Today, I am excited about my life.
I haven't felt a high like this in quite some time and now, I am more than content with being single, young, and ready for the world and whatever God puts in front of me. It's quite freeing, really.
I'm usually rather distraught about my seemingly dismal future, but I feel as though I have a lot of prospects and that everything is so available for me to experience. My mantra, from now on, is going to be "I will not be afraid to live my life."
It's enthralling! Life is just glorious!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Graduate School
Since my freshman year of college, I've been really back and forth about whether or not I want to go to graduate school. One month, I'm all for the idea, ready to pack up my bags right now and ship off to a different school full of intellectuals and socially-staved students. I want to be surrounded by those that consider themselves to have a greater purpose in the world, those who want nothing more than to create some new idea in their short lives. Wouldn't it be lovely to be the student who frequents coffee shops, not only to stay awake for some research activity, but to chat with others in my field and otherwise. We'll all sit around, brooding about the life and times of the human condition, smoking expensive cigarettes and wearing all black (maybe not that last bit). And we'll be genuinely excited about what we are doing in our respective areas, eager and willing to share any new tidbit of information we may have picked up from a passing comment to and fro and between professors and advisers and fellow colleagues. To be sure, I am romanticizing it quite a bit, taking what few cues I have from movies and literature (intelligent or not). Regardless though, these notions exist for some reason; there must be some sliver of truth of them. And to be in an atmosphere such as that... I would definitely be more than content.
But then, another month rolls around, and I find myself thinking terrible thoughts about school as a whole institution (no pun intended). My undergraduate career has been... less than spectacular (I think I've ranted about that in an earlier posting... it probably isn't too fulfilling of an argument) and I find university life to be a waste of my time, money, and energy. I am less than passionate about my current major and am finding myself regretting choosing mathematics after a year of indecision. I was in such inner turmoil that I felt it necessary to seek counseling services through my school in order to help me pick a major. After two semesters of that anguish (you may think I'm being dramatic, but you would be mistaken), I found myself content with my classes for about a semester. In retrospect (blasted hindsight), I think I would have been better off with a math minor. My enjoyment of math ceased to exist when the classes started becoming more challenging (read: when I became intolerably lazy) and I have discovered my passions lie elsewhere. Math is great fun and all and I am rather good at the calculus and statistics portion, but show me a proof and I'll tell you that it's correct because a dead guy proved it long ago and redundancy is silly.
You see my dilemma.
I also believe that I picked my major for the wrong reasons. As a back story, I recall going to counseling because I needed to make a decision where I didn't feel "stuck" for my future. I desired options and was frustrated that I felt like I was settling for some sub-par major at a sub-par school (I was originally a business major). I was rather high on my horse and thought remarkably of my intelligence. My friends told me I was smart and would always come to me for help when they didn't understand something. So, naturally, being "stuck" at an in-state college nicknamed "Not A University" did wonders for my confidence in my abilities. The friends that once came to me for their school needs now expressed disappointment in my choice of university. Though I wouldn't have admitted it until now, I was also disappointed in my choice. This was probably why I chose math as my major. I believed that, even if I didn't completely love it, it would make me look smart and like an excellent student. My parents suggested that a math degree would be looked favorably upon, no matter where I received it, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered where I attended undergraduate.
But it did to me.
I know I could have been accepted into a more highly favored university and probably would have received enough scholarships and aid... had I tried. To be fair, and to brag a little, I did apply to transfer to USC after my freshman year and was accepted. Telling my friends the news made them feel like I wasn't just giving up on my intelligence and that I had a fighting chance in the world to redeem my name. But, alas, it was still astronomically expensive and my donors (read: my parents) disagreed that a more expensive college would be worth the money.
But would it have been?
From my perspective, I'm surrounded by a lot of in-state students who chose to come here because of the proximity and the cost. I'm not knocking it at all, since the closeness to home was a major factor in my decision and I have a scholarship for in-state schools to pay for my full tuition. But as I've aged and, hopefully, become wiser, the students that I am surrounding myself with seem to abhor school. And from my observations, a good portion of them seem to be in-state students as well, saying this was their choice because it is cheaper and closer to home. Maybe I've picked the wrong people to surround myself with though, and then the folly is mine. Of course, not all of my interactions have been as such, so this is rather general. But, regardless, there is some correlation there. Maybe it's something to consider, to see if the correlation does imply causation.
And yes, I've toyed with the notion that maybe all schools are like this, which I'm sure holds its weight in water, but is it to the extent of which I've experienced it? Maybe by paying more for tuition and by completely surrounding oneself with a new environment, the catalyst for change in behaviors is more rapid or more enduring. It may be possible that those who are paying a pretty penny for an education may work harder in order to get their money's worth, rather than knowing that they can slack off. Additionally, and generally speaking, those who's tuition is higher will usually go to an institution that has a lot more opportunities in terms of research or class offerings or intriguing faculty. Mostly, in my understanding, the student environment will be different and those with limited acceptance rates especially will have a more prestigious group of people gathered there.
To finally tie it back to graduate schools, maybe had I been in a different environment, I would have picked a more appropriate major and been more secure in my decision for postgraduate pursuits. Maybe I would have ended up the same: unsure about my future education, unhappy in a major, and unsatisfied with my college life. Maybe I would have found all of this academic satisfaction but been lacking in something else that I could have lamented about here. Who even knows, really?
Maybe this post wasn't even about graduate school. Maybe it was about taking risks. I know I didn't take any when I was applying to college. If there's anything I truly regret in life, it was not applying to other universities. Maybe I would have been more confident in my choice, whatever it was. I at least hope I wouldn't have these dreadful thoughts looming about, taunting me with a potentially better life.
So many "what ifs?" that are regretfully unanswered.
Maybe graduate school could be a good restart for me.
If I ever make up my mind, that is... Part II, anyone?
But then, another month rolls around, and I find myself thinking terrible thoughts about school as a whole institution (no pun intended). My undergraduate career has been... less than spectacular (I think I've ranted about that in an earlier posting... it probably isn't too fulfilling of an argument) and I find university life to be a waste of my time, money, and energy. I am less than passionate about my current major and am finding myself regretting choosing mathematics after a year of indecision. I was in such inner turmoil that I felt it necessary to seek counseling services through my school in order to help me pick a major. After two semesters of that anguish (you may think I'm being dramatic, but you would be mistaken), I found myself content with my classes for about a semester. In retrospect (blasted hindsight), I think I would have been better off with a math minor. My enjoyment of math ceased to exist when the classes started becoming more challenging (read: when I became intolerably lazy) and I have discovered my passions lie elsewhere. Math is great fun and all and I am rather good at the calculus and statistics portion, but show me a proof and I'll tell you that it's correct because a dead guy proved it long ago and redundancy is silly.
You see my dilemma.
I also believe that I picked my major for the wrong reasons. As a back story, I recall going to counseling because I needed to make a decision where I didn't feel "stuck" for my future. I desired options and was frustrated that I felt like I was settling for some sub-par major at a sub-par school (I was originally a business major). I was rather high on my horse and thought remarkably of my intelligence. My friends told me I was smart and would always come to me for help when they didn't understand something. So, naturally, being "stuck" at an in-state college nicknamed "Not A University" did wonders for my confidence in my abilities. The friends that once came to me for their school needs now expressed disappointment in my choice of university. Though I wouldn't have admitted it until now, I was also disappointed in my choice. This was probably why I chose math as my major. I believed that, even if I didn't completely love it, it would make me look smart and like an excellent student. My parents suggested that a math degree would be looked favorably upon, no matter where I received it, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered where I attended undergraduate.
But it did to me.
I know I could have been accepted into a more highly favored university and probably would have received enough scholarships and aid... had I tried. To be fair, and to brag a little, I did apply to transfer to USC after my freshman year and was accepted. Telling my friends the news made them feel like I wasn't just giving up on my intelligence and that I had a fighting chance in the world to redeem my name. But, alas, it was still astronomically expensive and my donors (read: my parents) disagreed that a more expensive college would be worth the money.
But would it have been?
From my perspective, I'm surrounded by a lot of in-state students who chose to come here because of the proximity and the cost. I'm not knocking it at all, since the closeness to home was a major factor in my decision and I have a scholarship for in-state schools to pay for my full tuition. But as I've aged and, hopefully, become wiser, the students that I am surrounding myself with seem to abhor school. And from my observations, a good portion of them seem to be in-state students as well, saying this was their choice because it is cheaper and closer to home. Maybe I've picked the wrong people to surround myself with though, and then the folly is mine. Of course, not all of my interactions have been as such, so this is rather general. But, regardless, there is some correlation there. Maybe it's something to consider, to see if the correlation does imply causation.
And yes, I've toyed with the notion that maybe all schools are like this, which I'm sure holds its weight in water, but is it to the extent of which I've experienced it? Maybe by paying more for tuition and by completely surrounding oneself with a new environment, the catalyst for change in behaviors is more rapid or more enduring. It may be possible that those who are paying a pretty penny for an education may work harder in order to get their money's worth, rather than knowing that they can slack off. Additionally, and generally speaking, those who's tuition is higher will usually go to an institution that has a lot more opportunities in terms of research or class offerings or intriguing faculty. Mostly, in my understanding, the student environment will be different and those with limited acceptance rates especially will have a more prestigious group of people gathered there.
To finally tie it back to graduate schools, maybe had I been in a different environment, I would have picked a more appropriate major and been more secure in my decision for postgraduate pursuits. Maybe I would have ended up the same: unsure about my future education, unhappy in a major, and unsatisfied with my college life. Maybe I would have found all of this academic satisfaction but been lacking in something else that I could have lamented about here. Who even knows, really?
Maybe this post wasn't even about graduate school. Maybe it was about taking risks. I know I didn't take any when I was applying to college. If there's anything I truly regret in life, it was not applying to other universities. Maybe I would have been more confident in my choice, whatever it was. I at least hope I wouldn't have these dreadful thoughts looming about, taunting me with a potentially better life.
So many "what ifs?" that are regretfully unanswered.
Maybe graduate school could be a good restart for me.
If I ever make up my mind, that is... Part II, anyone?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Availability
I think I make myself too available, all the time. I don't know how to say "no" to anything or anyone. I'm hard pressed to really reject anyone outright. I will sacrifice a lot in order to make sure that others are happy, even if I don't like the outcome. Others take advantage of my willingness to say yes. Maybe it's just me, but don't people realize that I have my own stuff too? Don't they have the decency to realize that even if they have nothing going on that others may have things they need to do? That they are, unfortunately to them, not the center of my world?
People just come to my door, expecting me to say yes to everything. And they're correct.
It's an awful problem that I wish could be fixed.
People just come to my door, expecting me to say yes to everything. And they're correct.
It's an awful problem that I wish could be fixed.
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