South Korea

So, to apply for studying abroad in South Korea, I had to pay a, sort of, preliminary application fee. Not a big deal, right?

WRONG!

I've realized that I've basically just committed to applying and going through with studying abroad, hopefully somewhere in Seoul.

Whoa.

Is this real life? Am I really going to be in a different country soon?

I still can't believe I'm going through with this. But I'm so incredibly excited too! All aboard the Study Abroad Express! Next stop, finishing my application. Should be fun.

What I'm Looking For

Whoa buddy, another post, coming your way!

I don't think I've ever updated this much in... probably ever. But I think I've got a direction now, unlike that last post. I apologize if anyone fell asleep or felt like I was just going on and on and on. But I digress.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty different from my usual self. Usually, I'm happy and cheerful and people-pleasing and studious and caring and smart and all these things I've been used to.

This has not really been happening.

I'm cranky, upset easily, not so studious, angry, depressed, scared, annoyed easily, lonely, off my game, and all these things I really don't like and all these things that I felt my last two years of high school. If you know me at all, you'll know I hated those two years.

I don't think I'm trying to relive my high school years, but I am trying to learn from it and I am, in a way, comparing how I was to how I am, which has some mixed results. But, here I am, trying to move away from my past and I feel like I'm being sucked back into it. So, in order to pull myself away from this unhappiness I've been feeling lately, I'll make a list of things that would probably make me really happy.

1. God.

Okay, so this one is definitely one that would for sure make me happy, without a doubt. Somehow, between when summer ended and school started, God has been lost in the shuffle. It hurts me to say that, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I can't really lie about it. I don't read my Bible as much anymore. I don't go to church (I think I've been three times this semester). I don't spend my quality time with Christians. I don't do Bible study anymore. I feel isolated from it all.

Yeah, I can change all of that, no problem. I could find a group to go to church with. I could start reading my Bible right now. I could get someone to do a Bible study with me. I could easily find some Christians to hang out with more often. But I'm not. I'm scared that I'm not. I know that God will "take me back" and I know that He's so great and so powerful that it's really no big deal for him to wrap His arms around me again. But I just can't do it. I think it's got something to do with me believing that people won't accept me, that they'll think of me as a hypocrite for going back and forth so much. But, really, what does that matter? What does matter is that I'm right with God, right? Yeah. I guess I'm not getting that.

2. Finishing school.

I'm burnt out. I have, after this semester, two more to go. And I swear, it feels like pulling teeth. I'm sure I mentioned it somewhere in my last post that I used to be so dedicated to school and grades and learning, but now I'm very 'meh' about it. Not sure how I feel about feeling 'meh' but I know that I want to be done.

I know I'm smart, and I know I'm capable of doing everything, but it hurts to know that I'm paying all this money for a major I don't even like, for an education that I don't really care all that much about anymore. Maybe I've been hanging out with the wrong people (see above) and they're influencing me to feel this way. Actually, that's definitely what's happening.

I keep recalling this past summer, when I worked a 40-hour a week job. I would get up at 6:30 everyday to be to work at 8, leave at 4:30, come home, eat, relax, and go to sleep at 10:30. It was awesome. Routines really have a special place in my heart. I think this college thing, this no routine thing is messing with my mind. Okay, fine, there is sort of a routine about college and everything, but I just can't seem to find it. I feel like I'm just wandering about, still trying to find out what I want to do with my life, what really gets my motor running, what friends are good to have, what foods are good to eat (food is important to me, you have no idea). And, again, FINE, no one probably has it figured out and even if they do, it doesn't really matter, because nothing ever really works out the way it's planned. There's always some kink in the chain, something that sort of holds you back from really achieving everything you dreamed about.

Not that it's a bad thing. Those kinks in the chain are usually the ones that create a huge knot of excitement in your stomach, coming at you from left field, hitting you square on, making you wake up and realize that this is where you are supposed to be right now. Again, I have a difficult time realizing that.

3. Food.

Oh goodness. So since about the middle of 2011 or so, I've started to realize my passion for food. I mean, I've always really enjoyed food, eating and creating it, and I feel like I have a knack for this, but it's really taken over my life recently. I love cooking, baking, chopping, sauteing, cleaning the dishes, and feeling a satisfaction inside when I eat good food or make good food or hear about people enjoying good food. Man, it's really awesome. I've been going back and forth with the idea that maybe "food" is where I'm supposed to be. Yes, I know above I said that I didn't know what I wanted, but in a way, it's true. I don't know what I'm going to be doing exactly, I don't have a "dream job" that everyone my age seems to have, but I do know that somehow it will involve food.

Does that mean working in a restaurant? Sure, why not. Does this mean owning my own bakery? Yes, that sounds really nice. How about working in catering? As stressful as I've heard it can be, I'm pretty sure I could do it. Does this mean making dinner every night for a family I have? I am all about that.

Do you see my issue?

Maybe it really doesn't seem like a big issue to others, but it's big to me. Maybe this means I'm in the wrong major right now. Maybe I'm meant to go to culinary school after this. Maybe I'm supposed to get married and just cook for my family (honey, I will make you all the sandwiches you want, I just want to feed you). And on that note...

4. A boyfriend.

Right. This will be a sticky one to get out of.

So I'm going to put it out there and say I've never had a boyfriend. Simple as that. But I don't get jealous of others when I hear about their successful boyfriend stories (I actually really like to live vicariously through others and their relationships). It gives me hope to know that somewhere out there, God-willing, is a man that's perfect for me as my friends' significant others are for them. But there's something about the idea of a boyfriend that is just so appealing to me. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me boy crazy, I just love love. I love that someone is there for you whenever. I love that these two lives can converge together into something harmonious. I love finding your "other half" or finding someone to "complete you" or finding someone to "complement you." It's just a beautiful thing. Mind you, I don't think I'm in the market to just date around or just have some pretend relationship with (somehow, right now I got extreme déjà vu too... weird), but I would like to date someone to eventually get married. Heck, if my first boyfriend turns out to be my husband, that's fine by me! I guess it's just a matter of being patient and open to letting love into my life.

Somehow I feel like I've completely contradicted everything I've said above with this one point, but I'm sure humans are very contradictory anyway.

But anyway, where was I? Right. Boyfriends. After thinking about it a while though, maybe I'm just looking for a best friend. Not someone who's life centers around me (I can't handle having to be someone's life), but someone who, when everything is said and done and the ashes are all that's left, that person will be there for me when I need them. I just want a constant companion, someone who cares enough to let me into their heart, someone who wants me just the way I am, someone who lets me have my space, someone who calls me out on the stuff I need to be reminded of, someone who has faith strong enough to help me not to falter like I'm sure I will, someone who thinks I'm beautiful, someone who can help me through life's problems, someone who will laugh at me, someone who will make me feel special, someone who I can feel comfortable enough arguing with, someone who has differing opinions than me, someone who can give me 100% even if they're not feeling 100% all the time, someone who likes cats too, someone who appreciates a good meal, someone who can reach up and kill the spiders I'm too afraid will fall on my head, someone who loves to spend time with me. But don't get me wrong, I'm not just looking for all of that and then who expects nothing in return from me. No way, if I found someone who expected all of that and more from me, I would probably be set.

I don't think my expectations are too unrealistic. I don't really even care what he looks like... well, okay, that's a lie. But if he's even remotely attractive to me, we're good. I don't care what job he has. I don't care if he's American or not. I don't care where we live. I don't care where we first meet or where we get married or how many kids we have or what we do every weekend. It's just love I'm looking for.

I think I got out of that one just fine.

This is pretty much all I've got right now. Maybe I'm too future oriented. Maybe I'm unrealistic in all that I've said. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing. Maybe I just need to get out more. I don't know, but here's my current list.

Random Stuff, In A Really Long Post

I usually have a title for my posts whenever I decide to write something. It's a good way to give me direction and guidance and sort of keep me from meandering from topic to topic, thought to thought. Not that I don't ramble about in my other posts, but usually they're pretty closely related to what my title is. But, today, I've decided to just let my mind wander around a bit, talking about whatever I'd like.

It's sort of hard for me to do that though. I'm the sort of person that needs directed questions, or else you're left with a "Good" answer to "How are you?". I need time to think through my thoughts (that was a lot of alliteration) and formulate an answer. This may also be why interviews make me really super nervous. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I censor my thoughts before letting them free. I have to consider each situation I'm in first. Am I in public? Are we just passing by? How much do I think you really mean it when you ask how I'm doing? This is all something to consider! It has a lot to do with my answer and these questions are all something that go through my head so I have no time to really think about an answer. It's sort of frustrating, but it can also be really revealing as to who my true friends are. The ones that want to know more and want to hear about my life will ask more specific questions. It's a fascinating experiment in people, actually. Another thing I have to think about is how do I know this person? Is it a close friend? Someone I haven't seen in a while? How interested are they really? Are they just asking because it's a social expectation? This affects my answer too.

Well, okay, all of the above may be a lie. I think I'm very reluctant to share a lot of things with people, or if I do end up telling someone something, I am notorious (well, notorious to myself) for leaving important details out or not giving someone the whole story. Because, really, who wants to listen to me and my problems? Don't people have enough of their own problems? Why would I want to burden them with mine? I believe it's rude of me to only be thinking of myself when everyone else has their own stuff. But then, it's also very hypocritical of me to want to listen to everyone else's stories and then come to believe that no one wants to listen to mine. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's listen to others... But this is a learned habit, almost a deference tactic, to shift the focus off of me and onto someone else. It's really a sad life I lead. Basically, I feel alone a lot and feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's time. It's a good place to be.

Also, I think I'm pretty darn good at comparing myself to others. And by "pretty darn good at" I mean, I really shouldn't do it. I'm good at looking at my problems and saying, "Well, at least my parents don't abuse me. Or at least I'm not homeless. Or at least I'm in school." All these things that are probably valid, but still kind of illogical for me to think about. I guess I remember I was probably 14 or so and I was talking with my mom's friend and her daughter (who was my friend) and I was complaining about my parents and how mean they were and blah blah blah. So give me a break, I was 14, who didn't do that? But seriously, I was just talking about my parents and how they were making me feel pretty bad and I was probably being a little overdramatic, but then, out of the blue, my mom's friend stepped in and said, "My father would hit me for no reason."

Whoa. Back up a second here, you used to get hit for speaking up? Well, shoot, how can I compare with that? I've got an awesome life compared to that! I mean, yeah, according to that standard, I'm basically living in paradise.

But is that right? Is that the right way to look at it? Is it fair for people to step in and say how fortunate I am and how lucky I am? Well, yes and no. Weird answer, I know. But yes, it is right. It's nice to be reminded of how fortunate I am and how lucky I am to be living a life like this. I probably live better than 99% of the world right now. I'm comfortable, I go to a nice college, my parents are still married, I'm never hungry, I'm never cold, I don't worry too much about money, I'm fairly smart, I'm not too bad looking, and all these great things that I've just gotten so used to and sort of ignore on a daily basis. Wrong, I know. But that's why it's nice to be reminded.

However, it's not really fair to compare to others like that. Just because I'm not being abused by my parents doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm being abused by the people I'm surrounded by. Just because I have help from my parents when it comes to money doesn't mean I don't worry non-stop about it, wondering how I will ever repay them for being so kind. Just because I'm book smart doesn't mean I don't worry about my grades. Or that I'm failing a class. Or that I'm lacking social smarts. Just because I live comfortably and have a warm bed doesn't mean I'm not comfortable in my life outside my room or I don't always have the warmth from people. Just because I'm never starving doesn't mean I'm not hungry for love. Just because I look fortunate on the outside doesn't mean I'm not dying on the inside.

Everyone comes from somewhere different. It's stereotypical to say that if you don't come from the best of situations you're destined to end up as a failure; it's stereotypical to say that if you come from a nice life you're going to be successful forever. How wrong that is. I know so many people that have come from someplace awful and risen above all of that junk, all of the hurt and oppression and shame and guilt and everything. It's an awesome story for people to tell, and a good moneymaker for movies. But how often do we hear about the people that start with all the advantages in the world and then end up with nothing? Okay, we do hear about them, but what do we typically think of them as being?

Greedy?

Selfish?

Unworthy?

Terrible people?

I would know how that feels, I've thought that many times about people who just complain so much. Heck, I complain all the time. But it's true. It happens. Realistically, without taking social qualms into mind, we could technically just tell people that have it "bad" that at least they're alive. It's more than you can say for someone who's lives caught up with them or whose problems caught up with them. That you can choose to move forward and to remember your past; to let the past become your reference room, not your living room. We all have our own problems. We're all humans who have some God-given intelligence to solve them and work around them as best as we can, regardless of beliefs or whatever.

I feel like that was really convoluted logic but it makes sense to me. I also feel like I've disproved what my original claim was, but not really? Meh, like I said earlier, this was a lot of rambling, so take it or leave it.

Let's see... what else can I talk about. Oh! I know.

So, I was originally going to make a post about perfectionism and how it's really bad for me. Clearly that didn't happen, so I can mention it now. We'll see if I have a lot to say about it.

So I guess I can start with my grades and perfection. In high school, my grades were my life. I didn't do any sports, I wasn't in too many clubs, so my GPA was super important to me. I proved my worth that way. I proved that I was a worthy person to walk on this earth if I had book smarts. The only B I got in high school was in my last semester, senior year, Spanish class. Man, was I lucky it wasn't a class I cared about. If it had been calculus or biology, after all the hard work I put in... I would have exploded. Plus I got a 2 on the AP Spanish test, so I felt pretty good about that B. Then college came around. I got straight A's my freshman year. Who cares if my time here was miserable? Who cares if I was homesick for the whole year? I was smart! I got straight A's! This is why people liked me. I don't think people could handle someone who was crying about their parents everyday like I was and didn't do good in school. I'm sure some people would have told me to go home and cry about it because what was the use of me being in school if I wasn't doing any good? But thankfully, I was okay. Then sophomore year hit, and I got two B's my first semester.

Unacceptable.

I was pretty sore about it. But thank goodness I wasn't a huge mess anymore. Thank goodness I made friends and found my niche. So I sort of got over it. But then I got two C's second semester.

What. The. What.

C's?! Never in my entire life had I gotten a C on any official grade before. Holy crap. How did I live through that? How did my entire life not just implode on itself?

Really, I'm just being dramatic about it. I was expecting it. I may have even wanted it. Because, with minimal effort, I got a C. With below average work, I got an average grade. Pretty cool, huh? Well, not really. That's probably the wrong way to look at it. But here's what happened. Instead of grades, I shifted my focus onto God and friends. God found me. I discovered people again. After feeling like I didn't belong for most of my life, and especially my last two years in high school, I felt wanted. I felt like I wasn't a waste of space. I felt like my life had a purpose again. Like I was doing okay.

So what happened to me? What happened to my brain that I would think that grades weren't important anymore. Heck, I'm probably going to get a D in a class now (that's a different story though). But how do I feel about that? Actually, just fine. Yeah, it's going to suck when my GPA is pulled down a bunch if only because I'm in a program where I need a 3.5 GPA. But I'll get over that real quick.

But the funny thing is that now I'm trying to be a perfect friend. Which sucks even more than trying to be perfect in school for a couple of reasons. One: What is a perfect friend? Honestly, being nearly perfect in school is a heck of a lot easier than trying to be a nearly perfect friend. In school, you can study really hard or go to review sessions and do just enough to get an A, because an A is an A is an A, no matter what percentage. With friendship though, an A is not an A is not an A. Those percentage points matter. The little differences make all the difference. If you mess up on a test, you can lose a couple of points, maybe be knocked down a grade or something. If you mess up with a friend, there's a good chance that they may not be friends with you anymore. Which leads me to my second point: With grades, it's just you; with people, it's you plus people. Let me clarify. When it comes to grades, it's basically you versus school. Unless a grade is solely based on group projects (which would really suck in my opinion), you are the deciding factor in deciding what grade you get. You have to study for the tests. You have to decided whether or not to go into office hours. You have to decide how you want you paper to sound. It's not your friends. It's not your teacher (most of the time). It's not your parents. It's not anyone or anything else. It's all you.

And basically, to put it simply, everything with friends is the complete opposite. It's you AND someone else deciding to work something out. It's you AND someone else needing to talk to each other. It's you AND someone else trying to get through it together. It's really, really freaking hard coordinating with other people. It's really hard trying to please everyone. It's really hard trying to be something for someone and something else for a different person. It's really hard having to neglect your own stuff to be there for others. It's really hard having to be cheerful for someone else when you're having your own bad day. It's really hard to say no to people.

So I guess I've found something else to be a perfectionist at. Which is really sad actually. I shouldn't be looking for these things to do. Maybe someday I'll stop going to the extremes of perfectionism and meet somewhere in the middle. Finding a happy medium is my goal right now.

Well that was pretty personal. And long. And drawn out. But this is my blog. I guess if I can't be personal here, then I'm just screwed. Plus, I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words, so it's nice to sort through them on digital paper like this, where I don't have a time limit and I don't have an ear I'm just talking off. Where I don't have to really censor my words as much. I literally just word vomit onto my keyboard and hope for the best. Purple lunchboxes.

See?

Update?

Someone told me that I should update my blog.

Well, here we are.

Okay, fine, I'll come up with something of substance later. My mind is drawing a blank right now. I need time for these things. Some inspiration.

Or I'll find something to rant about. Either way.

Also, I've officially had this blog for four years now!