Testimony and Other Things

My whole life here in South Korea has been jacked up. To' up from the flo' up. Flipped and flopped. Whatever you want to call it, I am seriously a changed person. For real.

I didn't realize how changed until I was told that the people from my college ministry group wanted me to write my testimony for a end of the year banquet. Well, shoot, sign me up. God knows how much I love writing. So it was me and three other girls who were writing out our testimonies and one of us would be picked to read it aloud at the banquet. So I wrote it and I was really happy with how it turned out and just how amazing and quickly and wonderfully God had been working in my life up until that point (well, He's still working, but that's besides the point right now). And after I read it aloud in front of my small group here, and they were all really encouraging and proud of my vulnerability, I felt such a swell of love and hope that I thought that, even if I didn't get picked, it would be okay.

But I didn't get picked. And it wasn't completely okay. Sure, I know that my testimony isn't better than someone else's, and vice versa, but it still stung a little, especially since I really enjoyed writing it and was so happy with everything that had been happening.

But after thinking about it, I felt like my story wasn't good enough or dramatic enough to be read aloud and that God's work in my life wasn't really all that great anyway. So many doubts about the power of God in my life. So much distaste in my mouth because God knew that I wanted to share it and it was almost as if He wasn't letting me. It was not a good time.

But I'm getting so convicted this semester in terms of how impatient I am with God's promises and how quick I am to forget about the good things He has in store for me. Because at the banquet that night, my small group leader called me over and said that the people that read it and made the ultimate decision wanted me to share it at church on Sunday.

What. The. What.

Seriously? Church? Dang, I mean, I wanted to share it, but not that desperately! But I quickly shushed that thought because I just wanted to bless others. I wanted others to see that what I got this semester isn't just reserved for me. It's for everyone, for everybody. Even if I'm just a college student that doesn't mean that people don't struggle with what I struggle with. Daddy issues. Trust and relationships. Praying problems. And a host of other things that God has just taken from me, made right, and given back.

So, I went to church, did my spiel, and then sat back down. Whatever, no big deal, I guess. I like public speaking anyway, so any nerves I felt were mostly from excitement to get it all out. And afterwards, people told me that I had blessed them so much and that I didn't look nervous. Yes, I receive that. 

But now, I know that I'm being attacked in this way, being told lie after lie that I'm still not good enough. That my blessings will run out after this. That everything that's happened isn't actually all that great and that I'm still the same person. It hurt a lot and I was acting in a way that wasn't very indicative that my life had been wrecked by God, but it seemed as though I was still being threatened by evil things. Just seeing that I have power and anointing and favor from God was enough to scare Satan into attacking me harder and harder. And it was kind of working. But I'm cutting it off now and putting my testimony out in the super public (in a way...). Because it's actually not just my testimony; it's every single story of all Christians. That God loves and pursues His people, no matter what or who or where they are. I need to own it and share it because it's everyone's story.

So, basically, I wanted to bless this blog and post my testimony and make it a reminder to me that I am powerful because of Him and not of my own accord. I'm so incredibly happy with how it turned out, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to write it if God hadn't been working in my life. So here it is!
**Some names and stuff have been changed, just in case.**

Hi all, I’m Adrianna and I’m currently on a semester-long exchange program at ___ University and nearly an official member of NP church. Okay, here it goes.

I’m not going to lie: I came to Seoul with the idea that my life would become a Korean drama. It was my initial inspiration to come, after all. But I completely disregarded the fact that God had (and still has) bigger and greater plans for me simply because of who I was and where I was.

By name, I'd been a Christian for about 2 years, but I would really only consider the first 6 months of that time to be really dedicated to Jesus. I was in my spring semester of my sophomore year in college when I prayed that prayer, giving my life to the Lord, but by the time my junior year came around, I felt like God was testing me with new circumstances that I thought were too hard for me to handle, with or without Him, so I took steps back and away from God, beginning the darkest time in my life.

Growing up, I was always told I was the smart one, the one who got good grades, so being a math major seemed like a way to keep that up once I got into college. But when I failed one of my major requirement classes my junior year, I rapidly spiraled downward. I isolated myself out of shame and embarrassment, felt judged by my own family, and learned to hate myself. I often played it off, like it really didn’t affect me, but inside, I was dead. I felt alone and slipped into a depression that had me thinking that life was worthless and useless, just like me. If I wasn’t the smart one anymore, who was I? My depression got bad enough to go on medication and while it did help to numb the bad thoughts, I found myself numbed to the good things too. I now know I was just going through the motions of life and was just “surviving,” not living.

I remember right before I left for South Korea in February, my little brother, who was having a blast at his first year in college, told me wisely to reinvent myself in South Korea. When he said that, I thought it sounded good and maybe I would get into the party scene, just like many other exchange and Korean students do. I don’t know why I thought I would ever do that, since I never partied in America, but it was the only out that I thought I had to the dull life I was living. Clearly, God had a different plan.

I came to ECM through a fluke (though I realize now it was a divine appointment) and I have since discovered that my brother was right; my life here in Korea is being radically and wonderfully reinvented by the ultimate Inventor, Creator and Father.

I went through H&D completely out of faith after just three weeks of being here. My small group leader led me through it and I couldn’t believe that I was doing it. Me, thinking I was too far from God to be brought back and too far to be loved by anyone anymore, going through H&D. I didn’t know why I did it, but I knew deep down I had to, and I shared things with her I had never told anyone before. Strongholds of lust and pornography addiction were broken off instantly and I am now truly free from it. Issues with and hatred toward my dad were shattered as I placed Jesus in the middle of previously hurtful memories. Even an old recollection of 7-year-old me being sexually assaulted by a fellow student surfaced, right before coming to Korea, and now, I don’t feel pain and fear about it anymore. I was challenged to get off of my depression meds, and I am finding myself becoming more and more alive as I take less and less of the medication. I am filled with the joy of God rather than meds and I've never ever felt so free and full in my entire life!

But this new life that I had started living, out of faith, wasn’t even close to being out of God’s hands. I remember my first Joint Prayer Meeting in March as the first time that I went to anything “extra-church” related. A friend from school asked if anyone wanted to join her at JPM because she really wanted to go. I said I would, but only because I felt bad for making her go by herself, not because I was looking for God or feeling really excited to pray. I actually really hated all forms of prayer. I thought, “Why pray? God knows my thoughts, so what’s the point?” So when I got to JPM, and realized it was literally all prayer, you could say I was a little upset. And then we got into groups to pray for each other, and I know I completely shut down. I had a wall around my heart, fearing that these two people I didn’t even know would ridicule and judge me because I couldn’t pray perfectly. Plus, I was in a group with two NP leaders, and when asked to close the session in prayer, I said that I was uncomfortable and that I couldn’t. So not only did I say no to two leaders, I also said no to God, believing that He couldn’t speak through me and use me in any way. When I said no, I said that He wasn’t good enough. However, I have since discovered that I love praying and talking with God. I pray about everything now and am finding that the words flow much more freely since I gave it up and let God break down that wall. I see that my words are powerful and that I shouldn’t use them to speak the death I had become used to, but to speak life, because God has given that good life to me.

God kept taking me from glory to glory since then. I was amazingly blessed by the ECM retreat where God clearly and firmly reminded me through my small group leader, through fellow college students, and through other leaders praying over me, that I am so precious to Him, that I am such a treasure, and that He is incredibly proud of me, no matter what. At the retreat, Pastor M talked about how God’s people hadn’t heard from Him in 400 years, wondering where He was, until God chose Mary for His greatest pleasure. I felt like her. Numb to life, numb to seeing goodness, wondering where He was all along, and then, bam! Jesus shows up and uses His amazing grace to heal me and use me and just love me.

But strangely enough, I thought that God had brought me to my limit after that retreat, that I couldn’t handle anymore, and I would be in this “pretty good place” for the rest of my life. But, once again, God proved me wrong; the Churchwide Retreat was next and the Holy Spirit was coming for me. I was brought up in a conservative Catholic family, so I had never heard of or seen manifestations of the Spirit, so really seeing the power of the Holy Spirit at the retreat was just mind blowing. I wasn’t really scared, but intrigued and I was hungry for anything that God could give. I got the gift of tongues about a week beforehand, so I expected that the reatreat would be a good way to develop it more. What I didn’t expect was to be going up for an altar call and end up moving and shaking on the ground after the preacher said, “Fire!” over my head. I didn’t get taken away to Heaven or see any powerful images, but I felt peace. I felt at peace that my body wasn’t my own then. That my spouts of joyful laughter while I was down were directly from God’s mouth. That everything about my life and me belonged to God now and that He was doing great things with me, even if it may leave me a mess on the floor.

Now, I am no longer alone, being set in NP and in my small group, who I am so proud to call family. I am so filled with joy now, a deep well set firmly in my heart and continually being filled to the overflow. My identity isn’t based on anything earthly anymore and I know I’m already seated in heaven. My relationship with God isn’t based on my own earthly father anymore, but based in scripture and being made in Him who made me.

I love that God is proving me wrong and is showing me that my life isn’t mine anymore. I seriously believe that no matter how far gone I thought I was or how huge my sins are, He will still love me. That His love will cover all things and are greater than anything I could ever do. That my life is in the hands of the Most Trustworthy and that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m still in shock that all of this has happened in just three months. My small group leader keeps telling me I’m in a good place, and I think she’s actually kind of crazy because God keeps pulling me along, not letting me stay in one place long enough to hardly process. But I’m so hungry for more of God that it doesn’t matter how fast or slow He works in my life. I want to just latch onto His hand, with an unwavering grasp and just let Him lead me where He wants, and just trust and believe that my semester in ECM and NP has prepared me for everything good He wants to give me. I've come so far and I can say with confidence that a backslidden life is no longer mine!

My Life Now (In A Really Short Posting)

So, in case you didn't know, I am in Seoul, South Korea studying abroad! Sometimes, I feel like I've been here forever, and that everyone I know has been in my life for a long time, and that Seoul is my home. Other days, I still feel like a tourist and I am in disbelief that I'm in this city. I have quickly discovered that I'm definitely a city girl, and Seoul is seriously amazing.

Uh. Yeah. God is awesome, life is great, the weather is getting warmer, and I'm living like I never thought possible. I am so absolutely glad I'm here, period.

This might be the shortest blog entry I've ever made, but I don't know what else I can say that wasn't summed up in the sentence above. Awkward. I'm losing my touch for writing blog entries that are like a chapter book.

But probably not.

Writing

***This one has been sitting on my computer desktop for a week or two now, so I should probably just post it.***

I've read that writing is very easy; all you have to do is sit at the typewriter and bleed. I can't recall who said this at the moment, but I thought it was quite poignant and applicable to me. For a long time, I've wanted to be a writer, probably of fiction of the romantic variety (though I have no experience in such topics). Regardless of that, I think it’s going on ten years now that I've wanted to be a writer, which means I've been writing since I was 11 or 12. That’s quite some time, I believe, and I would like to believe that my craft has been developed quite significantly since then, though I know I have a long way to go before I’m even close to ready for publishing or even submitting any of my work. I have a few problems that I should probably consider solving before I can even begin to think about writing something book worthy.

1.                    Being able to tell people that I enjoy writing. For the time being, I've most likely only told a handful of people (read: less than 10) that I like writing. I don’t even know if my parents remember that I enjoy writing, as I think I've only brought it up in passing and it was years ago. It’s difficult to write when people around you don’t know that you enjoy writing.

2.                    Being able to share my writing with others. Other than my blog, which only a couple of people know I have anyway, I've only ever let one person read any of my fiction writings. One. That’s it. And it was eight or nine years ago when I shared it. I was writing a lot of fluffy sweet things too, so it wasn’t anything deep or inappropriate or what have you.

3.                    Telling people the types of things I like to write about. Most people know (or can guess) that I’m kind of a romantic and believe pretty fully in love. What people may not know (or guess) is that I like to write about these things. The situations and characters shall remain a mystery, for now, but I don’t want to lose friends because I like to write about love, especially since I've never had a love of my own.

4.                    Finishing something I've started. My computer is a veritable graveyard of unfinished stories. I had 110 on an old computer, nearly 70 on my current one, and none of them have even a sense of an ending. Oh sure, I've written a couple of things in the 100+ page range, which I know is a good start, but I never finish them. I get uninspired or come up with something else or think it’s quite cheesy and all kinds of nonsense. Excuses aside, I just stop writing. I've posted two chapters on a fiction website and didn’t get to anything else from that story. Sorry to those who are waiting on it; I’ll be finishing it never.

5.                    Being inspired to write. As I mentioned above, I pretty exclusively stay in the romance category (do what you will with that information) and I would like to branch out to write something with more substance. Other than my blog posts, which are just stream of consciousness anyway, I've never written anything solely dramatic or horrific (not that I would like to anyway… gross) or thrilling or science fiction-y. While I do enjoy the fluffy romantic bits I occasionally come up with, I wish it wasn’t my only way of writing.

I’m sure there’s more to add to the list, but I think, in general, this is pretty comprehensive right now, encompassing everything I need and want to change. And that quote I referenced at the beginning? I bleed a lot into these blog posts, but I wonder if bleeding is a transferrable skill. I would like to put my heart into my other writings as well.

Until then, I’ll just keep dreaming about happy endings.

Future Plans?

So often, I think I want to do something, but after researching it and looking into anything related to my want, I turn away and push it out of my mind.

I just don’t know what I want to do with my life.

Maybe, I think, I should be a counselor or someone who works in the mental health field. Yes, that would be nice. I think that mental health issues are severely neglected in this country and there is such a stigma that comes with it that I would like to help overcome. Oh, wait, I need to work with people who are unwilling to cooperate? And people who have a history with things I've only ever seen dramatized on television? Maybe I’ll look for something else.

Maybe I’ll be a teacher! Yes, I would love to help develop children’s minds and shape them for the future, considering they are the future, after all. Oh, some children like to act up in classes? And some of them have home lives where they can't even cope with something as trivial as math or reading? And not all are perfect students who want to try to do something with their lives. Moving on.

Oh, a doctor! I've always wanted to be a doctor! Helping people with their ear infections and stuffy noses! And everyone gets a lollipop! Hold on, did you say broken bones? And medical school? Never mind.

A dentist! USC has always been my dream school! I would love to impart my knowledge about dental hygiene onto others! I love flossing and brushing my teeth, it makes me feel healthy and clean. Wait, you said that people get cavities and have disgusting mouths and not everyone has had braces? Well, okay, maybe in another life.

Maybe I’ll be an executive administrative assistant. This has always sounded appealing to me for some reason and I would love to keep someone else’s life organized. I don’t want to have time to worry about my life; I can concentrate on someone else instead! You see the flaw inherent in this, I hope.

Oh bother, maybe I should go to graduate school, just to avoid the real world. What do you mean I have to “pick something I’m interested in” and “write a personal statement”? I think not.

Maybe I’ll resort to mathematics. Doing what, I don’t know (see teacher, above).

Or I’ll just get married and have a family. Maybe I should get a boyfriend first. That’s going to happen really soon, at least in the next 10-15 years. What’s another decade of waiting when I've already waited this long?

I’m not sure I’m capable of doing anything of worth. My mom keeps telling me that someone out there wants me and my skillset, whatever that may be. I, quite frankly, don’t believe it for a second. What have I ever done? I've lived a sheltered, privileged life. Sure, I've had my pitfalls and my moments of weakness, but who am I to think that I can do anything productive for society? People don’t want a white woman from an upper middle class family to tell them about their problems and how to live their lives and how to do things when I don’t even know what I’m doing.

Even when I ask my parents what they see me doing, they reference the mathematics degree I foolishly studied. I don’t want to do math at this point in my life! It’s selfish and silly for anything above differential equations. Maybe I’ll be eating my words later, and that’s fine. But as of right now, I just don’t see myself working with numbers (or Greek letters, for that matter) on a daily basis. They don’t know what I would be good at (or they do and they’re reluctant to tell me because they’re banking on math panning out). But what do they know; who really even knows me anyway? They’re not me, they don’t live in my head, and they’re not even a stalker. But I digress.

But the rub of it all is that I want someone to tell me what I should do with my life. So silly, right? Someone other than myself, someone who doesn’t know me, telling me what to do... Preposterous, I say! And yet so appealing!

All I want to know (ha!) is what my life’s purpose is. I know I want to help people, but how? In what context? For how long? What age group? What field? So many questions I don’t have the answer to.

Is this post-grad blues? I’m not even post-grad yet! My head hurts.