So a friend told me that I needed to update my blog. I suppose it was only fair because she updates hers fairly regularly and I read through it and learn all about her life, even though she's a bajillion miles away.
That's a lot of miles.
At any rate, she said I should write something personal or heartfelt or something, anything, with some insight into my life. I know I'll at least have part of it here, but as to the completeness of it, I can't make any promises.
I'm also a very spontaneous writer, so I don't know what's going to come out at the end of this, and it'll probably go off on some tangents, and everything will probably be a jumbled mess. I guess that's what happens during stream of consciousness writing.
Okay.
So.
Yeah.
Like basically every single person in the entire world, I have insecurities. If you're one of the lucky ones who do not suffer from this debilitating disease, I applaud you. I am probably jealous of you. But you are probably lying to me when you say you're completely happy with the way you are.
LIES AND SLANDER, I SAY.
Seriously. I don't care if you're basically perfect, you are struggling with something. Maybe not all the time, maybe just in little blips here and there, but you are almost guaranteed to be questioning something in your life at some point in time.
I just wanted to make sure you understood that before you get into my head.
Back to me.
I have a really crippling fear of being alone forever. It doesn't even matter if it's about friends or romantic relationships, I truly believe during the majority of the day that I'm going to have a cat, live alone, go to movies alone, eat alone, and pick up the rice in the church where a wedding has been, Eleanor Rigby style.
Again, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and that there are people who really are alone, but I can't get over the fact that I feel it so strongly.
Plus, I'm only 22.
According to most people, my life has only just begun and I've got all these great things ahead of me and that my future is full of possibility and everything else you could possibly put on a Hallmark card for people who are moving onto something new in their lives.
I don't care.
Tell me why I've never had a boyfriend? Or why I've never felt good enough for a friendship to last? Or why I'm so concerned about my friends when they don't show me they care. Tell me why I always feel like I'm somebody's last choice, no matter what. Tell me why I get jealous of people sharing text messages that I'm not a part of. Tell me why I get jealous, period.
I sound like I'm on my high horse, but seriously, when is it going to be my turn to be loved and appreciated the way that I love and appreciate the people around me? I am by no means perfect, and that's okay, but can't I be nearly perfect to and for someone? I'm nice enough, I'm not completely terrible looking (maybe more on that later), I'm caring, I can be hardworking, I'm funny, I'm slightly smarter than average (also, maybe, more on that later), and though I've got bad qualities, I know I'm not the worst choice in the world.
Maybe I'm just average. That might be okay, but it doesn't help that I've set my sights to someone above average.
I think I'm off the friend topic now, and really onto the boyfriend thing.
So, my mother told me a little while ago that maybe I should get a boyfriend (she was nice about it though, promise). I've told her that I have a hard time with friends and friendship in general, so I wasn't sure if the boyfriend thing would be good for me since romantic relationships are like regular relationships on crack. She just smiled wisely (and she would, since she dated my dad for 9 years [and started when she was 15, I might add] before they got engaged and have been married for 23) and said "No, it's very different." I believe her, but I've had no such luck so far.
Maybe it's because I want to be pursued.
In this technological day and age (I sound so well-informed when I say that, or I sound like a smarmy douchebag), it's difficult to know what anyone is thinking anymore. I talk to friends, impersonally, on Facebook and people are so attached to their phones that it's hard to have a normal conversation with some people without being interrupted by a cat video that they must immediately show me. Again, I'm not immune to this, but I feel like it's seriously affecting my life and that I find it hard to have a conversation with people, boy or girl.
Also, as much as I love women suffrage and rights and "yay feminism," I still have a lot of traditional values. Oh, like what you ask?
LIKE BEING PURSUED.
I will make you a sandwich, just the way you want it and give it to you while I'm cleaning house and coddling a baby and doing your laundry and all these other 1950's housewife things, AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.
You need to come up to me, tell me that you want to get to know me, tell me that I am pretty or that I'm funny or smart or whatever, and then I will consider you.
Because as much as I understand why people won't put themselves out there, I won't do it at all.
It's probably a fear of rejection. I've led a relatively sheltered life and I've pretty much always gotten what I wanted and needed, so failure was never in my vocabulary.
So, by not putting myself out there, I'm never going to fail.
My life will be quite boring, but I'll never fail.
And heaven knows I need to fail something else. Maybe I'll be put on a higher dosage of my current medication.
But anyway. I don't want to have to play a guessing game... as long as you tell me first. I'll be up front with my feelings and emotions (because, to be honest, I like most people), but if you're not feeling it, then I'll just make a fool out of you and me because I'm assuming things that shouldn't be assumed. Then it's awkward and I'll never want to try again and everything goes to hell and I end up with ten cats, living in a fusty basement somewhere on the outskirts of town where no one comes to visit.
Scary, I know.
These are the things that haunt me before I go to bed.
All I really want is someone who will kiss me goodnight. He must be attractive to me and smart and funny and wise and sweet and caring and loving and intensely passionate and everything that doesn't seem to exist in people, unless they're already taken.
Are my standards really high? Probably. But am I worth it? Yes.
If this is what will, most likely, make me happy, why wouldn't I hold out for it?
I've never been one to settle, but I know a good thing when I see it, so I don't want to settle for anything less than what I've mentioned above (and that list is non-exhaustive).
But what if it never happens?
What if I'm too ugly or too dumb or too heavy or too silly or too much to handle or too dramatic or too emotional or too terrible for anyone to love me? What if I'm not really great and what if I'm not really a catch and what if, when people look at me, they see someone who doesn't deserve love because of reasons x, y, and z? Am I not good enough to be loved? I, in general, take people as they are, so why can't someone do that for me? Am I just reaching for a ten when I'm only a four? Should I be lowering my standards because I'll never be with someone who's probably better than me? I'm really frustrated that I've never even experienced what I would even remotely be interested, either. This whole never been on a date thing is really terrible because I don't even know what I would want. Maybe everything above has just been implanted in my head by friends and society and I really want a bad boy or something.
I just want to know what it feels like to be important to someone.
I've always felt pushed to the wayside and that I'm not important enough to even consider. My friends take advantage of me because I'm caring and I get hurt and jealous really easily. I've had people ignore me and treat me like I'm nothing and make fun of me and gang up on me and just really make me feel like I'm a waste of space (thus another reason why I'm medicated). I feel so useless and worthless to people that I wonder why would any man in his right mind want to put up with me. I'm not good enough for friends, so why would anyone want anything of a romantic nature with me?
It kills me to say this because all I've ever wanted is a family. I've always wanted to be a mom and a wife and caretaker and lover and partner and companion and friend, so it hurts to see others getting engaged or having relationships when I would literally drop of out school if the right man wanted me to start a family with him.
Maybe I'm too willing to succumb to the whims of someone else.
Maybe my weaknesses shine through before any of my good qualities.
Maybe I'm not meant to be married and happily in love or what have you.
But why would I have something like that in my heart and mind?
If it's not meant to be, why not just banish it?
People, no matter what their beliefs, have some general idea of what they would like to do with their lives. Of course it changes yearly, weekly, monthly, whatever, but people mostly know where they would like to end up someday. So if I was meant to be alone forever, why would I be so concerned with falling in love? I like being alone, it's something I relish in every day, when I have time to unwind and think about the day, so it's not super terrible for me.
But then I start thinking about how much happier I could be with someone who really cares for me and my hopes and dreams, and I for his.
Maybe this is my way of fixating on something, instead of concentrating on myself.
OH BOTHER.
I don't get it.
Why has it not happened?
People tell me I'm pretty great, but why hasn't anything good happened?
They say I just need to wait for the right time and the right man and everything, but when?
I hate to say I'm getting impatient, but I really am.
When?
At least let me know what it's like so I don't have to wonder anymore if this is really what I want.
Maybe I'll have a change of heart if there was a male in the picture, but I won't know until it happens!
I just want to know this.
It's not to much to ask for, is it?
Nearly everyone can get a boyfriend, except me, it seems.
Pretty much everyone can at least get a date, except me.
And I don't want to be forward. I don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't interested.
Why does it hurt so much?
Okay, I don't really know what happened there at the end, but it is what it is. This is what goes through my head on a pretty regular basis. It's kind of awful and sad.
