Excited

Today, I am excited about my life.

I haven't felt a high like this in quite some time and now, I am more than content with being single, young, and ready for the world and whatever God puts in front of me. It's quite freeing, really.

I'm usually rather distraught about my seemingly dismal future, but I feel as though I have a lot of prospects and that everything is so available for me to experience. My mantra, from now on, is going to be "I will not be afraid to live my life."

It's enthralling! Life is just glorious!

Graduate School

Since my freshman year of college, I've been really back and forth about whether or not I want to go to graduate school. One month, I'm all for the idea, ready to pack up my bags right now and ship off to a different school full of intellectuals and socially-staved students. I want to be surrounded by those that consider themselves to have a greater purpose in the world, those who want nothing more than to create some new idea in their short lives. Wouldn't it be lovely to be the student who frequents coffee shops, not only to stay awake for some research activity, but to chat with others in my field and otherwise. We'll all sit around, brooding about the life and times of the human condition, smoking expensive cigarettes and wearing all black (maybe not that last bit). And we'll be genuinely excited about what we are doing in our respective areas, eager and willing to share any new tidbit of information we may have picked up from a passing comment to and fro and between professors and advisers and fellow colleagues. To be sure, I am romanticizing it quite a bit, taking what few cues I have from movies and literature (intelligent or not). Regardless though, these notions exist for some reason; there must be some sliver of truth of them. And to be in an atmosphere such as that... I would definitely be more than content.

But then, another month rolls around, and I find myself thinking terrible thoughts about school as a whole institution (no pun intended). My undergraduate career has been... less than spectacular (I think I've ranted about that in an earlier posting... it probably isn't too fulfilling of an argument) and I find university life to be a waste of my time, money, and energy. I am less than passionate about my current major and am finding myself regretting choosing mathematics after a year of indecision. I was in such inner turmoil that I felt it necessary to seek counseling services through my school in order to help me pick a major. After two semesters of that anguish (you may think I'm being dramatic, but you would be mistaken), I found myself content with my classes for about a semester. In retrospect (blasted hindsight), I think I would have been better off with a math minor. My enjoyment of math ceased to exist when the classes started becoming more challenging (read: when I became intolerably lazy) and I have discovered my passions lie elsewhere. Math is great fun and all and I am rather good at the calculus and statistics portion, but show me a proof and I'll tell you that it's correct because a dead guy proved it long ago and redundancy is silly.
You see my dilemma.
I also believe that I picked my major for the wrong reasons. As a back story, I recall going to counseling because I needed to make a decision where I didn't feel "stuck" for my future. I desired options and was frustrated that I felt like I was settling for some sub-par major at a sub-par school (I was originally a business major). I was rather high on my horse and thought remarkably of my intelligence. My friends told me I was smart and would always come to me for help when they didn't understand something. So, naturally, being "stuck" at an in-state college nicknamed "Not A University" did wonders for my confidence in my abilities. The friends that once came to me for their school needs now expressed disappointment in my choice of university. Though I wouldn't have admitted it until now, I was also disappointed in my choice. This was probably why I chose math as my major. I believed that, even if I didn't completely love it, it would make me look smart and like an excellent student. My parents suggested that a math degree would be looked favorably upon, no matter where I received it, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered where I attended undergraduate.
But it did to me.
I know I could have been accepted into a more highly favored university and probably would have received enough scholarships and aid... had I tried. To be fair, and to brag a little, I did apply to transfer to USC after my freshman year and was accepted. Telling my friends the news made them feel like I wasn't just giving up on my intelligence and that I had a fighting chance in the world to redeem my name. But, alas, it was still astronomically expensive and my donors (read: my parents) disagreed that a more expensive college would be worth the money.
But would it have been?
From my perspective, I'm surrounded by a lot of in-state students who chose to come here because of the proximity and the cost. I'm not knocking it at all, since the closeness to home was a major factor in my decision and I have a scholarship for in-state schools to pay for my full tuition. But as I've aged and, hopefully, become wiser, the students that I am surrounding myself with seem to abhor school. And from my observations, a good portion of them seem to be in-state students as well, saying this was their choice because it is cheaper and closer to home. Maybe I've picked the wrong people to surround myself with though, and then the folly is mine. Of course, not all of my interactions have been as such, so this is rather general. But, regardless, there is some correlation there. Maybe it's something to consider, to see if the correlation does imply causation.
And yes, I've toyed with the notion that maybe all schools are like this, which I'm sure holds its weight in water, but is it to the extent of which I've experienced it? Maybe by paying more for tuition and by completely surrounding oneself with a new environment, the catalyst for change in behaviors is more rapid or more enduring. It may be possible that those who are paying a pretty penny for an education may work harder in order to get their money's worth, rather than knowing that they can slack off. Additionally, and generally speaking, those who's tuition is higher will usually go to an institution that has a lot more opportunities in terms of research or class offerings or intriguing faculty. Mostly, in my understanding, the student environment will be different and those with limited acceptance rates especially will have a more prestigious group of people gathered there.
To finally tie it back to graduate schools, maybe had I been in a different environment, I would have picked a more appropriate major and been more secure in my decision for postgraduate pursuits. Maybe I would have ended up the same: unsure about my future education, unhappy in a major, and unsatisfied with my college life. Maybe I would have found all of this academic satisfaction but been lacking in something else that I could have lamented about here. Who even knows, really?

Maybe this post wasn't even about graduate school. Maybe it was about taking risks. I know I didn't take any when I was applying to college. If there's anything I truly regret in life, it was not applying to other universities. Maybe I would have been more confident in my choice, whatever it was. I at least hope I wouldn't have these dreadful thoughts looming about, taunting me with a potentially better life.
So many "what ifs?" that are regretfully unanswered.

Maybe graduate school could be a good restart for me.

If I ever make up my mind, that is... Part II, anyone?

Availability

I think I make myself too available, all the time. I don't know how to say "no" to anything or anyone. I'm hard pressed to really reject anyone outright. I will sacrifice a lot in order to make sure that others are happy, even if I don't like the outcome. Others take advantage of my willingness to say yes. Maybe it's just me, but don't people realize that I have my own stuff too? Don't they have the decency to realize that even if they have nothing going on that others may have things they need to do? That they are, unfortunately to them, not the center of my world?
People just come to my door, expecting me to say yes to everything. And they're correct.

It's an awful problem that I wish could be fixed.

South Korea

So, to apply for studying abroad in South Korea, I had to pay a, sort of, preliminary application fee. Not a big deal, right?

WRONG!

I've realized that I've basically just committed to applying and going through with studying abroad, hopefully somewhere in Seoul.

Whoa.

Is this real life? Am I really going to be in a different country soon?

I still can't believe I'm going through with this. But I'm so incredibly excited too! All aboard the Study Abroad Express! Next stop, finishing my application. Should be fun.

What I'm Looking For

Whoa buddy, another post, coming your way!

I don't think I've ever updated this much in... probably ever. But I think I've got a direction now, unlike that last post. I apologize if anyone fell asleep or felt like I was just going on and on and on. But I digress.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty different from my usual self. Usually, I'm happy and cheerful and people-pleasing and studious and caring and smart and all these things I've been used to.

This has not really been happening.

I'm cranky, upset easily, not so studious, angry, depressed, scared, annoyed easily, lonely, off my game, and all these things I really don't like and all these things that I felt my last two years of high school. If you know me at all, you'll know I hated those two years.

I don't think I'm trying to relive my high school years, but I am trying to learn from it and I am, in a way, comparing how I was to how I am, which has some mixed results. But, here I am, trying to move away from my past and I feel like I'm being sucked back into it. So, in order to pull myself away from this unhappiness I've been feeling lately, I'll make a list of things that would probably make me really happy.

1. God.

Okay, so this one is definitely one that would for sure make me happy, without a doubt. Somehow, between when summer ended and school started, God has been lost in the shuffle. It hurts me to say that, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I can't really lie about it. I don't read my Bible as much anymore. I don't go to church (I think I've been three times this semester). I don't spend my quality time with Christians. I don't do Bible study anymore. I feel isolated from it all.

Yeah, I can change all of that, no problem. I could find a group to go to church with. I could start reading my Bible right now. I could get someone to do a Bible study with me. I could easily find some Christians to hang out with more often. But I'm not. I'm scared that I'm not. I know that God will "take me back" and I know that He's so great and so powerful that it's really no big deal for him to wrap His arms around me again. But I just can't do it. I think it's got something to do with me believing that people won't accept me, that they'll think of me as a hypocrite for going back and forth so much. But, really, what does that matter? What does matter is that I'm right with God, right? Yeah. I guess I'm not getting that.

2. Finishing school.

I'm burnt out. I have, after this semester, two more to go. And I swear, it feels like pulling teeth. I'm sure I mentioned it somewhere in my last post that I used to be so dedicated to school and grades and learning, but now I'm very 'meh' about it. Not sure how I feel about feeling 'meh' but I know that I want to be done.

I know I'm smart, and I know I'm capable of doing everything, but it hurts to know that I'm paying all this money for a major I don't even like, for an education that I don't really care all that much about anymore. Maybe I've been hanging out with the wrong people (see above) and they're influencing me to feel this way. Actually, that's definitely what's happening.

I keep recalling this past summer, when I worked a 40-hour a week job. I would get up at 6:30 everyday to be to work at 8, leave at 4:30, come home, eat, relax, and go to sleep at 10:30. It was awesome. Routines really have a special place in my heart. I think this college thing, this no routine thing is messing with my mind. Okay, fine, there is sort of a routine about college and everything, but I just can't seem to find it. I feel like I'm just wandering about, still trying to find out what I want to do with my life, what really gets my motor running, what friends are good to have, what foods are good to eat (food is important to me, you have no idea). And, again, FINE, no one probably has it figured out and even if they do, it doesn't really matter, because nothing ever really works out the way it's planned. There's always some kink in the chain, something that sort of holds you back from really achieving everything you dreamed about.

Not that it's a bad thing. Those kinks in the chain are usually the ones that create a huge knot of excitement in your stomach, coming at you from left field, hitting you square on, making you wake up and realize that this is where you are supposed to be right now. Again, I have a difficult time realizing that.

3. Food.

Oh goodness. So since about the middle of 2011 or so, I've started to realize my passion for food. I mean, I've always really enjoyed food, eating and creating it, and I feel like I have a knack for this, but it's really taken over my life recently. I love cooking, baking, chopping, sauteing, cleaning the dishes, and feeling a satisfaction inside when I eat good food or make good food or hear about people enjoying good food. Man, it's really awesome. I've been going back and forth with the idea that maybe "food" is where I'm supposed to be. Yes, I know above I said that I didn't know what I wanted, but in a way, it's true. I don't know what I'm going to be doing exactly, I don't have a "dream job" that everyone my age seems to have, but I do know that somehow it will involve food.

Does that mean working in a restaurant? Sure, why not. Does this mean owning my own bakery? Yes, that sounds really nice. How about working in catering? As stressful as I've heard it can be, I'm pretty sure I could do it. Does this mean making dinner every night for a family I have? I am all about that.

Do you see my issue?

Maybe it really doesn't seem like a big issue to others, but it's big to me. Maybe this means I'm in the wrong major right now. Maybe I'm meant to go to culinary school after this. Maybe I'm supposed to get married and just cook for my family (honey, I will make you all the sandwiches you want, I just want to feed you). And on that note...

4. A boyfriend.

Right. This will be a sticky one to get out of.

So I'm going to put it out there and say I've never had a boyfriend. Simple as that. But I don't get jealous of others when I hear about their successful boyfriend stories (I actually really like to live vicariously through others and their relationships). It gives me hope to know that somewhere out there, God-willing, is a man that's perfect for me as my friends' significant others are for them. But there's something about the idea of a boyfriend that is just so appealing to me. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me boy crazy, I just love love. I love that someone is there for you whenever. I love that these two lives can converge together into something harmonious. I love finding your "other half" or finding someone to "complete you" or finding someone to "complement you." It's just a beautiful thing. Mind you, I don't think I'm in the market to just date around or just have some pretend relationship with (somehow, right now I got extreme déjà vu too... weird), but I would like to date someone to eventually get married. Heck, if my first boyfriend turns out to be my husband, that's fine by me! I guess it's just a matter of being patient and open to letting love into my life.

Somehow I feel like I've completely contradicted everything I've said above with this one point, but I'm sure humans are very contradictory anyway.

But anyway, where was I? Right. Boyfriends. After thinking about it a while though, maybe I'm just looking for a best friend. Not someone who's life centers around me (I can't handle having to be someone's life), but someone who, when everything is said and done and the ashes are all that's left, that person will be there for me when I need them. I just want a constant companion, someone who cares enough to let me into their heart, someone who wants me just the way I am, someone who lets me have my space, someone who calls me out on the stuff I need to be reminded of, someone who has faith strong enough to help me not to falter like I'm sure I will, someone who thinks I'm beautiful, someone who can help me through life's problems, someone who will laugh at me, someone who will make me feel special, someone who I can feel comfortable enough arguing with, someone who has differing opinions than me, someone who can give me 100% even if they're not feeling 100% all the time, someone who likes cats too, someone who appreciates a good meal, someone who can reach up and kill the spiders I'm too afraid will fall on my head, someone who loves to spend time with me. But don't get me wrong, I'm not just looking for all of that and then who expects nothing in return from me. No way, if I found someone who expected all of that and more from me, I would probably be set.

I don't think my expectations are too unrealistic. I don't really even care what he looks like... well, okay, that's a lie. But if he's even remotely attractive to me, we're good. I don't care what job he has. I don't care if he's American or not. I don't care where we live. I don't care where we first meet or where we get married or how many kids we have or what we do every weekend. It's just love I'm looking for.

I think I got out of that one just fine.

This is pretty much all I've got right now. Maybe I'm too future oriented. Maybe I'm unrealistic in all that I've said. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing. Maybe I just need to get out more. I don't know, but here's my current list.

Random Stuff, In A Really Long Post

I usually have a title for my posts whenever I decide to write something. It's a good way to give me direction and guidance and sort of keep me from meandering from topic to topic, thought to thought. Not that I don't ramble about in my other posts, but usually they're pretty closely related to what my title is. But, today, I've decided to just let my mind wander around a bit, talking about whatever I'd like.

It's sort of hard for me to do that though. I'm the sort of person that needs directed questions, or else you're left with a "Good" answer to "How are you?". I need time to think through my thoughts (that was a lot of alliteration) and formulate an answer. This may also be why interviews make me really super nervous. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I censor my thoughts before letting them free. I have to consider each situation I'm in first. Am I in public? Are we just passing by? How much do I think you really mean it when you ask how I'm doing? This is all something to consider! It has a lot to do with my answer and these questions are all something that go through my head so I have no time to really think about an answer. It's sort of frustrating, but it can also be really revealing as to who my true friends are. The ones that want to know more and want to hear about my life will ask more specific questions. It's a fascinating experiment in people, actually. Another thing I have to think about is how do I know this person? Is it a close friend? Someone I haven't seen in a while? How interested are they really? Are they just asking because it's a social expectation? This affects my answer too.

Well, okay, all of the above may be a lie. I think I'm very reluctant to share a lot of things with people, or if I do end up telling someone something, I am notorious (well, notorious to myself) for leaving important details out or not giving someone the whole story. Because, really, who wants to listen to me and my problems? Don't people have enough of their own problems? Why would I want to burden them with mine? I believe it's rude of me to only be thinking of myself when everyone else has their own stuff. But then, it's also very hypocritical of me to want to listen to everyone else's stories and then come to believe that no one wants to listen to mine. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's listen to others... But this is a learned habit, almost a deference tactic, to shift the focus off of me and onto someone else. It's really a sad life I lead. Basically, I feel alone a lot and feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's time. It's a good place to be.

Also, I think I'm pretty darn good at comparing myself to others. And by "pretty darn good at" I mean, I really shouldn't do it. I'm good at looking at my problems and saying, "Well, at least my parents don't abuse me. Or at least I'm not homeless. Or at least I'm in school." All these things that are probably valid, but still kind of illogical for me to think about. I guess I remember I was probably 14 or so and I was talking with my mom's friend and her daughter (who was my friend) and I was complaining about my parents and how mean they were and blah blah blah. So give me a break, I was 14, who didn't do that? But seriously, I was just talking about my parents and how they were making me feel pretty bad and I was probably being a little overdramatic, but then, out of the blue, my mom's friend stepped in and said, "My father would hit me for no reason."

Whoa. Back up a second here, you used to get hit for speaking up? Well, shoot, how can I compare with that? I've got an awesome life compared to that! I mean, yeah, according to that standard, I'm basically living in paradise.

But is that right? Is that the right way to look at it? Is it fair for people to step in and say how fortunate I am and how lucky I am? Well, yes and no. Weird answer, I know. But yes, it is right. It's nice to be reminded of how fortunate I am and how lucky I am to be living a life like this. I probably live better than 99% of the world right now. I'm comfortable, I go to a nice college, my parents are still married, I'm never hungry, I'm never cold, I don't worry too much about money, I'm fairly smart, I'm not too bad looking, and all these great things that I've just gotten so used to and sort of ignore on a daily basis. Wrong, I know. But that's why it's nice to be reminded.

However, it's not really fair to compare to others like that. Just because I'm not being abused by my parents doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm being abused by the people I'm surrounded by. Just because I have help from my parents when it comes to money doesn't mean I don't worry non-stop about it, wondering how I will ever repay them for being so kind. Just because I'm book smart doesn't mean I don't worry about my grades. Or that I'm failing a class. Or that I'm lacking social smarts. Just because I live comfortably and have a warm bed doesn't mean I'm not comfortable in my life outside my room or I don't always have the warmth from people. Just because I'm never starving doesn't mean I'm not hungry for love. Just because I look fortunate on the outside doesn't mean I'm not dying on the inside.

Everyone comes from somewhere different. It's stereotypical to say that if you don't come from the best of situations you're destined to end up as a failure; it's stereotypical to say that if you come from a nice life you're going to be successful forever. How wrong that is. I know so many people that have come from someplace awful and risen above all of that junk, all of the hurt and oppression and shame and guilt and everything. It's an awesome story for people to tell, and a good moneymaker for movies. But how often do we hear about the people that start with all the advantages in the world and then end up with nothing? Okay, we do hear about them, but what do we typically think of them as being?

Greedy?

Selfish?

Unworthy?

Terrible people?

I would know how that feels, I've thought that many times about people who just complain so much. Heck, I complain all the time. But it's true. It happens. Realistically, without taking social qualms into mind, we could technically just tell people that have it "bad" that at least they're alive. It's more than you can say for someone who's lives caught up with them or whose problems caught up with them. That you can choose to move forward and to remember your past; to let the past become your reference room, not your living room. We all have our own problems. We're all humans who have some God-given intelligence to solve them and work around them as best as we can, regardless of beliefs or whatever.

I feel like that was really convoluted logic but it makes sense to me. I also feel like I've disproved what my original claim was, but not really? Meh, like I said earlier, this was a lot of rambling, so take it or leave it.

Let's see... what else can I talk about. Oh! I know.

So, I was originally going to make a post about perfectionism and how it's really bad for me. Clearly that didn't happen, so I can mention it now. We'll see if I have a lot to say about it.

So I guess I can start with my grades and perfection. In high school, my grades were my life. I didn't do any sports, I wasn't in too many clubs, so my GPA was super important to me. I proved my worth that way. I proved that I was a worthy person to walk on this earth if I had book smarts. The only B I got in high school was in my last semester, senior year, Spanish class. Man, was I lucky it wasn't a class I cared about. If it had been calculus or biology, after all the hard work I put in... I would have exploded. Plus I got a 2 on the AP Spanish test, so I felt pretty good about that B. Then college came around. I got straight A's my freshman year. Who cares if my time here was miserable? Who cares if I was homesick for the whole year? I was smart! I got straight A's! This is why people liked me. I don't think people could handle someone who was crying about their parents everyday like I was and didn't do good in school. I'm sure some people would have told me to go home and cry about it because what was the use of me being in school if I wasn't doing any good? But thankfully, I was okay. Then sophomore year hit, and I got two B's my first semester.

Unacceptable.

I was pretty sore about it. But thank goodness I wasn't a huge mess anymore. Thank goodness I made friends and found my niche. So I sort of got over it. But then I got two C's second semester.

What. The. What.

C's?! Never in my entire life had I gotten a C on any official grade before. Holy crap. How did I live through that? How did my entire life not just implode on itself?

Really, I'm just being dramatic about it. I was expecting it. I may have even wanted it. Because, with minimal effort, I got a C. With below average work, I got an average grade. Pretty cool, huh? Well, not really. That's probably the wrong way to look at it. But here's what happened. Instead of grades, I shifted my focus onto God and friends. God found me. I discovered people again. After feeling like I didn't belong for most of my life, and especially my last two years in high school, I felt wanted. I felt like I wasn't a waste of space. I felt like my life had a purpose again. Like I was doing okay.

So what happened to me? What happened to my brain that I would think that grades weren't important anymore. Heck, I'm probably going to get a D in a class now (that's a different story though). But how do I feel about that? Actually, just fine. Yeah, it's going to suck when my GPA is pulled down a bunch if only because I'm in a program where I need a 3.5 GPA. But I'll get over that real quick.

But the funny thing is that now I'm trying to be a perfect friend. Which sucks even more than trying to be perfect in school for a couple of reasons. One: What is a perfect friend? Honestly, being nearly perfect in school is a heck of a lot easier than trying to be a nearly perfect friend. In school, you can study really hard or go to review sessions and do just enough to get an A, because an A is an A is an A, no matter what percentage. With friendship though, an A is not an A is not an A. Those percentage points matter. The little differences make all the difference. If you mess up on a test, you can lose a couple of points, maybe be knocked down a grade or something. If you mess up with a friend, there's a good chance that they may not be friends with you anymore. Which leads me to my second point: With grades, it's just you; with people, it's you plus people. Let me clarify. When it comes to grades, it's basically you versus school. Unless a grade is solely based on group projects (which would really suck in my opinion), you are the deciding factor in deciding what grade you get. You have to study for the tests. You have to decided whether or not to go into office hours. You have to decide how you want you paper to sound. It's not your friends. It's not your teacher (most of the time). It's not your parents. It's not anyone or anything else. It's all you.

And basically, to put it simply, everything with friends is the complete opposite. It's you AND someone else deciding to work something out. It's you AND someone else needing to talk to each other. It's you AND someone else trying to get through it together. It's really, really freaking hard coordinating with other people. It's really hard trying to please everyone. It's really hard trying to be something for someone and something else for a different person. It's really hard having to neglect your own stuff to be there for others. It's really hard having to be cheerful for someone else when you're having your own bad day. It's really hard to say no to people.

So I guess I've found something else to be a perfectionist at. Which is really sad actually. I shouldn't be looking for these things to do. Maybe someday I'll stop going to the extremes of perfectionism and meet somewhere in the middle. Finding a happy medium is my goal right now.

Well that was pretty personal. And long. And drawn out. But this is my blog. I guess if I can't be personal here, then I'm just screwed. Plus, I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words, so it's nice to sort through them on digital paper like this, where I don't have a time limit and I don't have an ear I'm just talking off. Where I don't have to really censor my words as much. I literally just word vomit onto my keyboard and hope for the best. Purple lunchboxes.

See?

Update?

Someone told me that I should update my blog.

Well, here we are.

Okay, fine, I'll come up with something of substance later. My mind is drawing a blank right now. I need time for these things. Some inspiration.

Or I'll find something to rant about. Either way.

Also, I've officially had this blog for four years now!

Beautiful

Do you know what's beautiful?

Knowing that you're loved by the people around you, regardless of what form that may take. That you're loved by Jesus, even when you mess up. That's you're loved by the God-created universe, just by being who you are.

Love is beautiful. Love is everything.

It's nice to be reminded of that sometimes.

Things That Have Been On My Mind Lately

WARNING: DANGEROUSLY LONG BLOG ENTRY AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

1. Sometimes I wish people would ask me how I'm doing. Yes, there are a couple people in particular that do ask me how my day is, but then there's those that either a. do and then go onto stories about themselves or b. just (almost) completely ignore me and go straight to them. I know I'm a pretty good listener and all and I really do love listening to people talk about their lives. I guess it's just how I am; I listen to their problems and it makes me want to try and help them fix their lives. But sometimes that's tiring. Sometimes, I want to be completely selfish and talk about myself and my life and my problems. I want to have someone who listens and truly cares, a lot like I do for people.

Yes, I do talk to God about my life and everything, but it's difficult not getting immediate feedback. My life wasn't meant to be lived alone. But I do feel alone. Plus, I always feel bad whenever I talk about myself and I degrade my problems to seem as though they're lesser than other people's. I listen to their complaints and their worries and their stresses and I feel like I know a lot about their lives, but what do they know about me? I'm not one to just blurt out what I'm feeling if you ask "How are you?" because 9 times out of 10, no one really wants to know. And if they do want to know, they'll ask questions to really draw it out of me, just like I will almost always do for them. And now, here I am blogging about my problems. What a passive way to get things off of my chest. How selfish blogs are! I still don't understand why I have one except for things like this. And that's no fun, is it? Maybe I don't understand what blogs are for then. But I digress. I guess I just wish that I could know that someone cares and wants to hear about my life as much as I want to hear about theirs. It's tough and lonely.

2. South Korea. Now onto a more positive note:

I want to study abroad in South Korea.

Crazy right? But true.

I've been really looking into it and researching things, even though I would probably go Spring 2013. I never did this when I originally wanted to study abroad in Europe. Maybe it was just too far away, maybe I never really was interested in going (which is probably a lie), I don't really know. But all I know now is that I want to go abroad and study and learn and experience and be immersed and love the whole world.

Since I'm a quarter Japanese, Eastern Asian countries have always interested me, but I always thought it was a bizarre fascination to have, especially since I really don't look Japanese (which always comes as a shock to me: I have blonde hair and pale skin. What part of that doesn't scream Asian?) But anyway, I've always wanted to go, and after watching all these Korean dramas over the summer and really learning more about the culture through those and through my own research, I am all engines go.

I feel like I'll never really have a "reason" to go to Korea when I'm older either. I know countries in Western Europe are in my future; I feel like they're so much more accessible than other places may be, so I'm not really in a huge hurry to go. Japan is a definite must for me, since I do have that Japanese blood, so, again, I know I'll definitely be going someday. But Korea? Who does that? What a random country! But Seoul, the capital, has over 10 million people! I can't just ignore that. They have LG, Samsung, so many science and technological labs, Daewoo, Hyundai, airlines, banks, KBS, K-Pop, and so many other things! That's incredible! And they're not communists like their northern counterpart, they seem to be thriving, and they're slowly increasing their influence in the world.

I have a new found passion in my heart for this place and going there to study and I do believe that God has put that there for a reason. I know I'm not there yet and I don't even know if I'm going to go, but I know that I'll go someday. I feel like all the cards have been falling into place too, so I met with a study abroad adviser, almost on a whim because they had open appointment times, I've been doing all this research, looking into things, telling people I'm going, and all these things that make me feel confident that I will most likely be going. I know that if I don't go, however, that God has a different plan for my life and He ignited that passion there to late become a huge fire so that I know exactly when I will go. Maybe not even Korea, maybe somewhere else. But it's there now, and I'm so excited for the idea that it's reminiscent of when I fell in love with Jesus back in spring. Clearly, there's no comparison to that, but it's pretty amazing anyway. But I'm going to pray hard about it, keep looking into things, convince my parents to help me pay for it, and make sure I fill out the best freaking application ever. With God's power, I will do whatever I can to move this process along. Heck, I might even live there after I graduate, who even knows?

Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever guessed that I would know all of this stuff and be so fascinated by it. I mean, little old me, never been out of the country, wanting to go someplace radically different from the western culture I was raised in. But I want to learn so much. I want to learn Korean. I want to learn the honorifics. I want to have friends from all over the world. I want to experience different cultures. I want to eat foods I've never even dreamed of before. I want to study somewhere else. I want all of these great things from Korea and I know that they can deliver. I'm just so excited about the prospect of going that I research something new every night. It's a good way to use my scholarship (which is definitely a perk, albeit a little lesser) and satisfy my intellectual curiosity, something I thought had died after last semester. I'm so nervous one second and then excited the next and then I have to step back to realize I'm not even started on an application. It's really what's keeping me going, knowing that I have to get good grades to go and finish everything I have left on time.

3. Mathematics. I still think math is really beautiful and I do like certain aspects of it, but I'm getting burnt out and sick of it. I don't want to go to math graduate school, I don't want to be a teacher, I don't want to be a statistician, I don't really want to do anything directly related to math, especially if it's anything like my Real Analysis class (which is completely terrible). I don't care about proofs, I don't care that the rationals are dense numbers, I don't care that an alternating series diverges. I like applications of math more than this stuff (though that's still 'meh' to me), so why am I learning about it? Especially as a required capstone. If they let me choose my capstones, I would not have chosen this class. I don't like pure math, so why are they forcing it upon me? Forcing classes on people can be okay on occasion, but something like this is ridiculous. Maybe I'm just ranting now, but I can honestly say that this class is harming my already low interest in mathematics. And the fact that I only have three more classes to finish my major drives me crazy. I should not be hating my major right now. I should be in love with it, seeing all the great prospects for my future, being excited for graduate school in something semi-related.

But I'm not.

I'm just frustrated and angry at myself for choosing this major and angry at the program for making math majors take 4 capstones while other majors have to take one or two, and I'm upset that I'm not good at math anymore, and scared that I'll just barely pass the rest of my math classes, and worried about how that will affect my future and how this is going to look on my resume, and on and on and on. I feel like breaking down, dropping out, moving away, something! Anything other than math. Blech. It sucks.

But, like I said above in my Korea part, I know I have to keep it up or else all those dreams will be out the window. I just need to pass my classes, keep excellent grades in my other classes, hope that everything will even out, and then I'll be good to go.

So, yeah, that's my life recently. Pretty strange mix of things, yes? I definitely have my ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it for the world and I know that I'm so blessed to have a life like mine. I know I'm dramatic about this stuff sometimes, but I know that I need to do stuff like blogging to sort through my thoughts and get it off my chest. Besides, I think and learn better when I write stuff down, so I think this could work not only for my own personal benefit, but as a sort of prayer about my life and really showing God the desires and needs of my heart. I hope that makes sense. And sorry it was a freaking long entry. I just have a lot to say.

Oh, Blogs

My dearest blog,

How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? I feel terrible for abandoning you like I did, but my inspiration was at a minimum this summer. I'm not sure if I just got comfortable or if I just got lazy. Either could really work. I believe I should update you on my life happenings for fear of you abandoning me in return.

-I got a job! I added lots of money to a stagnant savings account and now I have some money of my own to spend, rather than calling my parents for money I probably didn't need in the first place for things I didn't really need anyway. But, it feels better to have my own money. I need to become more independent of my family or else I may never want to leave (more on that later).

-I didn't go to church. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I think I turned out okay. I know I still have some issues to work out with this, but it's hard to let them go. My humanity strikes again and I have shown that I am far from perfect. But that's okay. Because, while church is important for fellowship and learning, I know God's been working in my life in extraordinary ways and He's definitely working his way into my heart, more than ever.

-I did keep up with my Bible reading and God worshiping. I think I've proved to myself that God is more than just a fad to me and while I did get "sick of it" for a couple of days, I felt myself longing for the Word after any recess.

-I've realized that I am not cookie cutter nor do I ever want to be (I think this is pretty important). Clearly, elementary school or middle school is not anyone's "prime," but I know I had some sort of lifestyle that was pretty "movie-like," meaning perfect family, perfect grades, perfect everything. I figured I couldn't be defeated. But high school comes along and I found myself trying to figure out where I belonged. Looking back, I think I had started to find it during freshman and sophomore year, but when we moved, I found myself becoming someone I didn't like. I had my grades and (I thought) that was it. I felt out of place, trying to figure out where my lunch table would be, trying to find someone real or some friend I could trust (this was before Jesus met me, mind you). I didn't find anything, so I immersed myself in schoolwork. Man, was I proud of my grades! All A's, except for one B in Spanish (which, by that point, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter [though it was quite hard]). But what was I left with? Anger toward my family for making me move. Emptiness inside for feeling like I missed out on something. Sadness for missing my old friends, my old life. Longing for something that could have been. Wanting something better. Not wanting to go for anything. Fearing failure. Fearing rejection. It all seemed to come down to fear. But then I left that high school life behind. Even so, now, in college, having met some really incredible people, I was still sort of unsatisfied. Not what you were expecting, right? Me either. I was expecting that college would either be more of the same or something completely different. I think I got the latter part down, but it was not the different I was expecting. I'm not magically popular, I'm not invited to the hottest sorority parties, I don't have any boyfriend (serious or not), I don't party all the time, I'm not getting straight A's anymore, I'm not feeling super loved, the list goes on. But, you know what? It doesn't even matter. I've never been average. I am of above average intelligence, I have above average emotions, I care for people in an above average way, I listen better than most, I even love better than many. So why am I trying to be something so average? Why am I not letting myself push all the "average-ness" away? Believe me, the Spirit has been helping me (read: doing it for me) realize these things, but, again, it's so hard to let things go. When things have defined you for so long, it's hard to let something infinitely more important take over, free of charge. It's crazy. So, instead of trying to be average, I want to be above average. For crying out loud, the whole entire Bible is about people living above and beyond what people expect of them or what they even expect of themselves! So, yeah, this is my declaration (?) to live not in the mold. Hopefully I can hold true to that.

-I'm letting my friends define my life now. Sounds weird too, right? I've heard that you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. And I thought, well, heck, that's pretty decent, I like those five people quite a lot. But, literally, just tonight, I've realized that instead of averaging my friends, they are sort of averaging me. I'm becoming who these five people want me to be. I'm trying to become a perfect friend. It's not healthy.

So, blog, that's my summer. I felt like my apologies would just be empty words, so I was glad to give you an explanation. Hopefully that helped and I will try to pay more attention to you now. Hopefully I can write about how my previous "problems" got all better and this will be a story of redemption, instead of just rejecting you, my dear friend. So have a good time reading this and I will be back to post more!

Love always,

Adrianna

100+ Things

I was recently on StumbleUpon, wasting time (as usual) when it brought me to a site where they talked about making a list of 100 things. It could be anything, really. 100 Things to Cook. 100 Ways to Tell Someone You Love Them. 100 Things to Wear. 100 Things to Remember. 100 Ways to Get Through Anything. It really didn't matter what the list was about, as long as it was 100 things. (I suggest you read the website first, maybe you'll understand better what I'm talking about and explain questions you may have: http://litemind.com/tackle-any-issue-with-a-list-of-100/ ) So I figured, what the heck, I might try this. I did one list that my mind immediately jumped to and it was... helpful. I realized a lot of things as I wrote it and dug really deep into my reasons for wanting to make that list. It's going to remain private for now, but maybe I'll share it with you later; heck, maybe I'll make a list of 100 Reasons to Share a Private, Personal List. Well, maybe not.

At any rate, I did a second one just today and I started crying. Like, full on tears streaming down my face, upset, almost loudly sobbing kind of cry. It was really refreshing for me. It showed me a lot of patterns to my thinking and helped me really sort things out in my mind. I absolutely loved it. I'm not entirely sure how my list will be applicable in the future and I'm sure it will change as I grow older, adding things and subtracting things necessarily, but as of right now, this list is everything about me. I even bolded the ones that made me cry particularly hard or ones that I think are super important to me right now. I'm sure I forgot some things and I'm sure some things are kind of silly, but they're thoughts I had right now, and they're important to me. I can't even tell you enough how superbly fantastic these lists are. So here's mine, in no specific order, no rhyme or reason to it. It's kind of sparse, rather vague, and probably not worth all this fanfare I'm putting it through. But it's not my list that's important, but the idea behind it. And I love it.

100 Things I Want To Do In My Life

1. Get married
2. Have a family
3. Travel!
4. Be a true, completely committed follower of Jesus
5. Be smart/intelligent
6. Love people
7. Do things that I love
8. Have at least one boy and one girl as children (preferably)
9. Find my soul mate
10. Become comfortable with who I am
11. Love my life
12. Be a bold witness to Christ
13. Read the entire Bible and understand and appreciate it (these definitely go hand in hand)
14. Stay friends with the people I met at A-tech (there’s probably, like, two or three that are on the definite list)
15. Stay friends with those girls I met in Campbell (probably about six or so, as of right now anyway)
16. Make more amazing friends
17. Be supportive
18. Visit Japan
19. Learn an Asian language
20. Go to China
21. Heck, go to a lot of Asian countries
22. Go to Europe
23. Not ever worry about money
24. Visit England
25. Help people in need
26. Love people in need
27. Donate money to those who really need it
28. Not be like my parents (especially in the bad aspects)
29. Don’t be an angry person
30. Learn to love my qualities
31. Be secure with who I am
32. Okay, visit the UK in general
33. Retire well enough (this is a long way off, so I don’t know what this looks like)
34. Love people more than things
35. Have a compost pile
36. Live wherever makes me happy
37. Go to church often
38. Adopt kitties from the animal shelter!
39. Write a book
40. Be involved in a church
41. Work at a homeless shelter
42. Trust people
43. See the good in everyone
44. Love my family
45. Not worry about possessions
46. Visit Australia
47. Go to India
48. Feel comfortable in a bathing suit again
49. Be able to wear shorts without worrying about my knees
50. Fix my knees
51. Exercise more
52. Eat well
53. Eat good food
54. Live in a big-ish city
55. Be happy wherever I live
56. Smell good all the time
57. Stay organized
58. Never fail to see the beauty around me
59. Find someone who knows me and still loves me for it
60. Visit clear beaches
61. Appreciate any current circumstances
62. Praise God for my circumstances
63. Take care of myself
64. Take care of others
65. Don’t be so self-centered
66. Forget about my past pain
67. Learn from my past pain
68. Don’t let my past pain keep me back from anything
69. Be proud of who I am
70. Have confidence in me
71. Know that it’s not me that I'm living for
72. Die to myself everyday
73. Always be willing to change
74. Always remember my family and my roots (this is a tough one)
75. Always be willing to help others, no matter what
76. Don’t stress
77. Rely on God for everything
78. Be happy
79. Always go on family vacations to new places
80. Always be willing to do new things
81. Change the world… somehow
82. Learn when to be frugal and when not to be
83. Be inspirational
84. Respect everything (basically everything)
85. Question everything
86. Always be curious
87. Don’t be afraid of living life
88. Have fun
89. Don’t worry about the little things
90. Know that I am forgiven, beloved, righteous, holy, reborn, remade, accepted, and worthy
91. Visit New York City
92. Live near to the beach (preferably in California)
93. Develop lasting relationships with wonderful people
94. Never forget Las Vegas
95. Always think of good memories
96. Have hope in my future
97. Don’t hold grudges
98. Feel loved, always
99. Do my best at all times
100. Don’t dive too deep into my head all the time
101. Be social
102. Always be ME

All of these things, to me, mean that I will have a successful, rich, amazing life. (And yes, I know there's 102, but it's my list, I can do what I want with it!)

Awesome Day, Period.

So yesterday, Thursday, my mother had some surgery done and then something happened with a friend on Wednesday night that had me down in the dumps (side note: my mother is doing just fine and it's nothing to worry about at all and my friend thing is okay). So, naturally, Thursday wasn't a spectacular day when it comes to defining "good days" but it wasn't anything to write home about. I did lean on the Lord more for both situations and I was glad that He was able to calm me and watch out for me. So I figured Friday may not be so spectacular either since my mom would be coming home from the hospital (meaning I would have to help take care of her, which wouldn't be a barrel of monkeys, but I would do it without complaints) and I still didn't know what to do about my friend.

But oh my goodness, I was proven completely wrong.

So my mom came home, and it was good to have her back. I'm so glad she's okay and she's doing really well considering the fact that she had surgery, so that was super uplifting. It was a routine surgery, but I'm so so so happy that she's doing awesome.

And then a friend texted me and made me smile while I was waiting for my mother and father to come back from the hospital. It was little, but it was a good sign (or something like that) and I was so glad for her and her friendship.

And then one of my friends that I've had for eight years (I told her "that's like forever!") and I were texting today and I got an update of her life. I haven't seen her since winter break 2011, so it was really awesome to hear about her! She's going to South Africa, and doing research, and we told each other that we would have to be friends until we're old and it was superb. I love when that happens, so I was super stoked already.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! And then, one of my friends that I haven't talked to in probably nine months or something and I talked for an hour, catching up and telling each other how glad we were to be talking and how much we missed each other. It was completely fabulous! Oh my gosh, I loved it so much! It was super easy to get back into the swing of things and have such a natural conversation without worrying about all the little details of each other's lives in the past months and just enjoy talking to each other and well wishing each other for the summer.

How cool is that? I am so blessed with such amazing friends (I love you three [well, four, with my mother] that I was thinking of while writing this post... and all of my other friends too!)and am so happy with my life, not just now because all of this happened, but everything that's been going on since probably around January or so (but for reals, legit joyful around the middle of March). My gosh, I would like to say that it was all me and all that I've done to make my life so amazing. But it wasn't me who texted my friends today. It wasn't me who made the initial phone call to my friend. But in retrospect, I don't really care who contacted who because I truly do think that the Lord saw my need of friendship in my life at this moment and completely caused it. It was so awesome and I'm so thankful. I mean, one friend I could expect to talk to and another didn't really surprise me a whole lot, but the one I haven't talked to in such a long time? That's crazy! And all in one day! I can't even describe how completely happy I am about this!

Maybe I'm attributing this to God in the "wrong" sort of way, but I just feel so blessed overall since I started walking closer to Jesus and I've fallen completely in love with learning about Him and making sure my relationship with Him is developing and with Him in general. I'm pursuing a stronger and more intense relationship with Him, slowly but surely, and He is relentlessly pursuing me and I'm completely seeing this by how He loves me through others. How can I feel okay with letting Him down or sinning or not denying myself when He does stuff like this? My gosh, it's remarkable, how He loves. I'm still struggling with the idea that He's sort of an untouchable God, much like the leaders of my childhood church, but that wall is also being broken down. I'm just in awe of how He loves and of Him and all that He's done and will do. And not because I deserve it or earned it or because He needs me. But because He wants to. He wants me. And I need Him.

I feel like this post was sort of jumbled and that I bounced from one idea to the next but it makes sense to me. And I needed to just express all these great thoughts going through my head and all these great realizations and comprehensions (that may not be a word, but it fits) that have been given to me. And that's good enough for me. :)

A Prayer for my Family?

Here's something I sort of typed out after I've reflected on the day. To put it simply, I wasn't the best daughter in the world today. But I've been having a lot of days like that, especially when I come home and feel like I'm stuck with them here, feeling like there's no escape from all that they do. It's not a good place to be. So here we are, my cry for help, my prayer for my family. And probably for me too. Because the Lord knows I need all the help I can get when it comes to this.

But then again, so does everyone... my family included.

I don’t know how I can show love to my parents.

They’re supposed to be the ones that are guiding me, they’re supposed to be leading me, they’re supposed to be strong and teach me how to be a good person. Now I have to do that? I can't even begin to describe how stressful that sounds. It sounds like I'm supposed to be the parent and they’re supposed to be the child. I'm supposed to lead them to the cross and teach them how wonderful God is.

Yikes.

How am I supposed to teach all that I’ve learned to my prideful father, to the one who thinks he’s never wrong and always tries to be perfect, though he fails like the rest of the world? Or to my brother, who has a lot of arrogance, who has completely checked out from God and is lost in the world, trying to find out where he belongs and finding his identity in his academic abilities; I know because I was there. And my mother, who has this stigma of how angry her non-Catholic brother is at the rest of the world, to those who aren’t of his religion, and doesn’t show God’s love in the way that it was meant to be, and feels as though Catholicism is the right way, the non-shallow way, the best way. Instead, her and her brother get angry at each other, failing to see that there are truths in both of what they believe but their pride in their religion and their stubbornness to see the truths gets in the way of everything productive. All this pride (though I'm not perfect myself, I know)! And that’s just a few things; there are more issues and things the deeper we dig.

No wonder I'm scared to talk to all of them.

I’ll feel defeated and I won't know what to do after that. What if our relationship is changed for the worse after that? Then what am I supposed to do? What if they treat me like they all treat my mother’s brother right now? I don’t want to be an outcast in my own family. They are supposed to love me and care for me and provide for me; I can't handle being shut out like that.

I know I'm just supposed to love them, but it’s hard when they irritate you or frustrate you or when you’re holding onto a grudge like I am that still affects everything that I do. I know I don’t love them like I should, every single one of them. I know I could do so much better, but my anger and frustrations block that out and I get hazy and confused about how I'm supposed to be honoring them and obeying them and loving them. It’s easier on some days because they don’t do anything to upset me, but that is completely not right at all. My love for them should be unconditional; they’re my family, after all. Is that wrong to believe that I'm going to love and appreciate them no matter what they do? I'm supposed to love like Christ loves everyone, regardless of what they all do. He died when we were all sinners because he loved us, loved me, loved my entire family. But God, it’s so hard. I'm only human and I'm not perfect. It’s not meant to be an excuse, but a plea, a cry for help. Please Lord, help me to love them, help me to look past their imperfections and their sins to reach out to them, to appreciate them no matter what they do, to speak words of praise and not of criticism, to love them like Christ loves them. I have to remember that you’re the only one that can help me in this, I have to find my strength in you, I have to meditate on your word and realize that I’ve been given this incredible gift of being born again and blessed and I have to share it with them. It’s my God-given duty to pass it on, to share what I believe. It’s not meant to just be for me, it’s meant for everyone. It’s meant for my prideful father, my confused brother, my hurt mother. And now that I have it, as crazy difficult that it’s going to be, I have to show them that I am a changed person and that they can be changed too. I have to show them that God is amazing, that He loves them, that He sent His only Son to die for them, just for them, and that He’s always watching and God is never going to leave their side no matter what they do and what happens. Because, unlike my love, His is completely and utterly unconditional and He wants to call them all home. He wants nothing more than for my family to call Him Lord of their lives, for them to be slaves to Him, to love others like He loves. I want the best for them, and I do love them, but God loves them infinitely more than I do, then I ever can, and God wants all good things for them. I can’t worry about how they’ll perceive it, about how they’ll react, about what will happen after. God will take care of all of that. If I do it with loving words in a caring, compassionate, sincere voice, I’ve done my part. I can’t even worry if I'm going to get that far yet.

But in order for them to get any of that, it may just take me stepping up and (though it may not be sharing everything right away) just loving them like Jesus loves them. No matter what I tell them, no matter if I get to it or not, I have to love them.

Things That Have Been Stressing Me Out Lately

I don't really have an introduction to this, so I'm just going to go.

• Friendships. When I get really comfortable, I think I start to (super unconsciously) test them to see their reactions. Bad, I know. :[
  
  
• Relationships in general, actually. (I tried to tell my mother about how worried I was about these friend/relationships and she didn't really give me any helpful advice except to "stop worrying." Helpful.)
  
  
• Schoolwork and grades and my newfound apathy for them.
  
  
• My past self being exposed and it (sort of) coming back to mock me.
  
  
• The fear that my past self is going to reappear in my life (meaning I'm going to start living and thinking that way again. I almost feel like I'm right on the edge with this stuff.)
  
  
• The fact that I'm very moody recently and how it seems that I will be missing out on the fun stuff with people I may not see again.
  
  
• On that, I don't like how mean or rude or inconsiderate I seem to be. I feel not nice and I wonder if I'm trying to distance myself at all and I want to keep these relationships for as long as possible, but it's hard if I just think they won't be around as much next semester.
  
  
• How I'm going to cope with living with my new life and my parents when I go home. I'm actually quite terrified of this, even though I know I've got to put on the armor of God and all that jazz (Ephesians 6:10-20).
  
  
• Calling myself a Christian. I don't know if it's a weird word to me (it sounds strange? I don't really know) or if I'm scared of what implies it or what my deal is, but I'm still trying to get used to being one. It's a process and it's difficult.
  
  
• (Warning: this is kind of a rant of sorts. And that was quite redundant) My relationship with God and me wondering and doubting and questioning and being confused and feeling like I'm doing this all in vain when I know it's not true at all. I've never felt more at peace than I do now, but it's so hard to want to become the Christian I know I can become and the Christian I am now. I have such a long way to go (but I suppose everyone does) and a hard road ahead and I think I'm doing well enough so far, but I feel like I could do so much more and I want to do so much more. There's more to life than grades and homework and getting a college degree (which seems rather selfish to me, but maybe that's for later) and I know I could do more with my degree once I'm out, but sometimes I feel like I could do a heck of a lot more with my life if I wasn't here. I just want to live for God and live His will out, all the time. What if I'm not doing that? I'm so willing and ready (most of the time, anyway) to please Him and I feel like I'm failing; I know I'm failing because I'm human and I often wonder if I am doing what He wants me to do, but I want to feel like I fail less. I want to do what God calls me to do and, right now, I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not doing anything to live out His plan for me (a disclaimer: I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't come to college and I didn't make the friends I did, so this whole college thing is not all in vain, believe me). However, I realized it's kind of silly to "please" God (mostly in the sense that I'm thinking of the word) because there's really nothing I can do that will make Him the happiest he's ever been; He really doesn't need me to do anything for him, after all. I can do things that are pleasing to God though, but maybe I'm not doing that either (maybe there's really no difference between "please" and "pleasing" though and I'm a little backward). I'm pretty sure I'm meant to help people but I feel like I'm not. I don't want "I'm still a baby Christian and I don't know enough" to become an excuse for my inactivity but I truly do feel like that's where I'm at. I do what I can but I'm still not so confident in sharing my beliefs and sort of being "persecuted" for them too. I don't know if that confidence in my faith will come with time or what, but I just don't know if I'm ready or when I will be. Also, another current realization: I don't really know why I haven't prayed a lot about this. Why I haven't just stopped writing and started talking to God. Probably because I had to get out all my thoughts first, sort through them. I still have a mind, a really wonderful, God created (and becoming more God centered) mind that is capable of understanding, so I really want to get to the root of my problems by writing them out instead of getting distracted when I silently pray, as is what usually seems to happen. I guess this is sort of like my written prayer. And it was super personal.
  
  
• Knowing that I do have a really long walk in my Christian walk also stresses me out a little, but then I try to remember that I'm not meant to be perfect and that I'm not going to know everything and that's the beauty of this all; learning more, growing closer to God, gaining that relationship. Every relationship takes work and I need to remember that this is no different. I'm just on a little bit of a different playing field when it comes to God because He's kind of sort of perfect and all powerful and mighty (read: He is all of those things).
  
  
• I'm also sort of concerned that I'm trying to incorporate God into too much of my life. But then I realize that's silly and that's pretty much how it should be, but then I think about how I don't want to lose touch with reality and become so narrow minded that it's harmful to me and the people and things around me. It's a fine line, I think, and I'm trying to navigate it as best as possible. Though I'm not really sure how it's working so far.
  
  
• This isn't a stress, but I thought I needed to clarify a few things. I'm not actually really stressed about my relationship with God, at least, not in the "normal" sense of the word. I'm just trying to learn as much as possible and question and make sure that my beliefs are well grounded (or starting off well grounded anyway). As ironic or odd as it may sound, I don't want to go into this blindly, without some sense of what I'm following. I think that blind faith (in this aspect anyway) can be bad. I feel like I've contradicted myself at least three times, but I can't really be sure. I really hope that all made sense. Basically, it boils down to this: I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT JESUS! Is that so hard to ask?
  
  
• Not another stress, but I figured I'll just stick with the list thing. I sound really selfish in this whole thing. Like I'm the one that's doing all of this, like I'm the one who's changing myself and working on fixing all my problems. It's not about me. I've got something to do with this, but, really, it's God that's doing this and it's really awesome, actually. I've got to remember to keep going back to God and stop this "me, me, me" attitude. It's frustrating to me and it's what I originally didn't like about my old life; I always felt so alone and that I was doing everything on my own. But now, I've got to remember I've got this really cool God that's on my side now and that He's pretty much waiting for me to call out to him for help. We're created to want this relationship with God, to bridge the separation between He and I. And that's pretty beautiful.
  

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm sure there's more things I could talk about, but these are really the big ones. It's hard, especially since I've got finals and packing and moving out, all of which are pretty much happening in a couple of days. It's fun to have all of this going on at once (that was sarcasm). But if there's anything I got from my own postings and musings and ravings, is that I'm not alone and that God is always there. I should find a mantra about that.

This was super indulgent too and I do feel a little arrogant for talking about myself so much. Oops.

10 things? Sort of.

So I figured I would just put this in because it intrigued me and I felt the need to post something. I have other drafts in my little draft storage unit, so maybe those will come later. But for now, you have this.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People (but don't say their name):

1. You stress my life out and I'm slowly discovering that I'm feeling guilty for being your friend. I wonder if our friendship is based on good things or if it’s just based on jealousy and compliments (probably the latter). I love you and I don’t want to give up our friendship, but it’s getting a little ridiculous. And how is it that after I’ve shared all of these things with you and after a long conversation about all that I believe is causing wrong in our friendship, I still feel like nothing was said on my part and I still feel frustrated.

2. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. You are such an inspiration for me to be a better person and I'm so appreciative that you haven’t given up on me because I'm kind of an oddball sometimes. You have become one of my closest friends in the world and I know it’s for the right reasons. You are awesome and I love you. Period.

3. You are super awesome and so strong willed. You are not afraid to say what needs to be said and are super gutsy. You’ve taught me how to be really strong and how to not care what other people think as much. Even with all of that, you are still definitely a woman and I love that balance you have. It’s awesome. Plus, you’re ridiculous and funny!

4. There’s a couple of things that you talk about a little too much for my taste, but otherwise, you’re pretty freaking hilarious and I love talking to you and having bash fests whenever possible. You rock and I'm so glad to be your friend (not that I'm not glad for some of these other friendships haha).

5. You’re kind of full of yourself and you like to talk about boys A LOT, but you’re still pretty awesome. I really like how our friendship is developing though and I can’t wait to see what the future holds. :]

6. You are gross and disgusting and messy like no one I’ve ever met. I know you’re very socially awkward, but when I invite you to things, I mean it and I would like for you to get out of your shell for a while. I'm trying to help in the ways I know how. I think I was in your spot too and I know it gets better so let it! Open yourself up to new things and don’t just sit in your room all day, on your computer, while the world passes you by! I know, I’ve been there!

7. Thank you for all that you did for me freshman year. You are so wonderful and I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re still friends and I'm soooo thankful for that! You are too funny and super fantastic and I love where we’ve come in our friendship now! You rock, lady!

8. I'm not really sure why I spend time with you still. You’re kind of funny but mostly you’re just mean and hurtful, and I'm pretty sure you do it with a purpose. I feel personally attacked when I talk to you. You made me feel like I was worth next to nothing and I'm trying so hard to forget that you undermined my intelligence. In my quest to surround myself with truly good people, you are not part of that right now nor do I ever want you to be.

9. You’re very mean to me and I don’t appreciate it. I feel personally attacked by you too and I really don’t know how I put up with you. You’re okay some nights, but it’s very contingent on what I do. I wish I didn’t have to see you and that I didn’t have to deal with you and I would really enjoy it if you were not a part of my life.

10. You’ve hurt me a lot in the past and I'm not sure how I can forgive you. There’s a lot that’s finally coming to the surface but I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable talking to you about any of this. I don’t know how faithful you are and I don’t know if your intentions in the right place. I try to respect you but it’s hard to do so when I feel like you don’t respect others. I’ve gotten a lot of bad habits from you and I don’t appreciate it. I love you but that doesn’t mean I have to like you all the time.

nine things about myself
1. New Jesus Lover

2. I'm a math major but I don’t want to do anything with it (as of right now)

3. I'm a quarter Japanese

4. How “bad” my life was before and how stressed out with everything I was, it’s only gotten that much better.

5. I'm discovering that I am not alone and it’s awesome.

6. I love having friends I can count on and people I can trust. It’s new for me so I'm still learning.

7. I love listening to people’s problems and helping them figure out life. I sort of expect the same thing in return though.

8. I don’t like change, but it’s part of life and I usually get used to it (even though it’s super hard most of the time).

9. I am very hungry at this very moment.

Eight ways to win my heart (I'm assuming it’s romantic type of things? Well, I’ll include both, I suppose)
1. Be a Christian. I would like this to remain a huge part of my life now and I don’t really need anyone who is going to drag me down.

2. Scratch my head!

3. Let me have some independence.

4. Conversely, please be there for me when I need it.

5. Tell me when I'm doing things wrong.

6. Be a leader.

7. Help me and let me help you.

8. Last but absolutely not least… Love me. Love me regardless of what I do or how I perform or how I act. Just show me that you care, no matter how stupid I can be.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot
1. What I do wrong and my faults.

2. My family

3. God

4. Future plans

5. Trying to let go of all the bad things from my past

6. Friendships

7. School and how I'm going to pass my classes

Six things I do before I go to bed: (not in any particular order)
1. Change into my pajamas

2. Brush my teeth

3. Usually, I floss

4. Wash my face

5. Take off my jewelry

6. Get into bed and get all snuggly

Five people who mean a lot to me (no order whatsoever):
1. Jesus

2. Mom

3. Dad

4. Five particular people that live in the hall I'm in right now (as of May 2, 2011)

5. My brother

four things I'm wearing right now
1. Comfy jeans

2. A long sleeve shirt because it’s surprisingly cold out.

3. Opal earrings, since it is my birthstone and all

4. A jacket that has a really fuzzy and warm hood. :]

Three songs I've listened to today
1. Take My Hand – Shawn McDonald

2. Gone – Switchfoot

3. Set Me Free – Casting Crowns

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Have a family (that means husband and kids)

2. Lead a truly happy, God-filled life

One confession
1. There’s one thing I struggle with a lot that I'm slowly working up the courage to say to people.

Emotions Taking Me Over

Just in case you don't really know me, I have lots of emotions. You're probably thinking, "That's silly, everyone has emotions." Yeah, okay, that's fair, but I don't think you understand. I wear them on my sleeve nearly 100% of the time. Well, okay, that may actually be a lie. I really only have one emotion: crying. Which, yes, isn't an emotion, but I pretty much cry at everything:

• Movies that are happy.
• Movies that are sad.
• Any movie, really.
• Songs that remind me of people.
• Songs that make me happy.
• Songs that are super applicable to my life.
• Church - it's actually weird if I don't get teary eyed, so it's almost an expectation. I'm 4/4 so far. So that's good. But maybe not. (I was going to write out four for four, but that looks silly. I should have saved this for when I've been to this church five times)
• My Bible study.
• People that talk about Jesus with me (but I've gotten better. Sort of).
• When I think about people I love.
• When I think about my future.
• Sad animal commercials (you know, those ASPCA commercials? Dreadful).

You see that list up there, right? I mean, look how many things are up there. And I cry for every single one. If I feel something, anything really, I cry. You're probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, do you ever not cry?" To that I say: no, not really, actually. It's pretty much an every day occurrence. And I'm not even afraid to show it anymore. Just call me shameless, I suppose. But seriously, I'm a classic case of chronic crier (side note: did you see that alliteration there? I'm impressed with myself. Didn't even have to try for that one). Sometimes they're sad, upset, "the world is ending" cries. Sometimes they're emotionally charged, crazy stressed types of crying. Sometimes I just like to cry to get anything out. And sometimes they're what I like to call "good cries," where I reflect on my life and realize where I've been and how far I've come and how truly blessed I am and how wonderful everything is and how much I don't want it to change. And then it just turns into one of the first two cases. Sometimes the third too.

Basically, you could just stick a fork in me whenever anything even slightly emotional comes up. I'm just done.

Like today, I cried a couple of times and I was definitely on the verge of tears for a lot of the latter part of the day. Actually, for most of the day. First off, it was Sunday, and that's my newly rediscovered church day (that makes sense, yes?), so clearly, I have no choice but to cry there. And then I spent some time outside and read my Bible for some time (which is, again, a new thing for me that I'm rather enjoying), which made me cry. And then I listened to some music I recently obtained and I teared up (I didn't cry only because my roommate was in the room and I don't want her to think I'm stranger than I already am). And then, oh goodness, I completely fell apart at my second to last residence hall meeting. See, during it we give out awards to people for being supportive or friendly or just super awesome, and I teared up and I couldn't give out the ones that I wanted to and I felt really guilty because I was getting some and I didn't want to have them think I was ungrateful. But why didn't I do this, you ask?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE CRIED.

Shocker.

I guess I do have some shame, but I was tearing up enough and I didn't feel like losing it in front of people that I may never see again after this year (which is pretty upsetting, actually). Maybe it's that change thing I mentioned above. I've met some absolutely incredible people living here this semester (there's probably five or six that I'm thinking of in particular; maybe I'll talk about them in a different post, we shall see) and I love all that this hall is and how much time a lot of people invest in making sure it's superb and the thought that in just a month or so it will all be over and different is heartbreaking. I mean, if you thought I was joking about the crying thing, I'm definitely tearing up right now. I'm seriously in love with living here and all the amazing friends I've made and I have to come to the realization that it's not going to be the same.

But then, simultaneously, I have to remember and remind myself that everything is going to be fine. I don't plan on letting these people out of my life so easily and I'm going to do everything in my power to remember that there is room in my heart for more people to make their homes and that just because one amazing chapter is over, it doesn't mean the book is over and that there aren't any other equally amazing (or, dare I say it, better) chapters left. I may not have closed the last book I was in (especially from last year) and I still have to cross reference from it every once in a while, but from my perspective, I've just started this new book. And I am in no hurry to put it down.

Going along with this book metaphor I've employed (which hopefully makes some sense), I know there's going to be some sad parts to the story and some parts that are going to make me emotional. But I know that my book will have a happy ending (for lots of reasons, I'm sure) and that I'm definitely not trying to write a tragedy or a drama (I mean, I enjoy laughing a lot, so when I'm not crying, I'm basically laughing all the time. Or doing both at the same time, which is good by me).

I think I brought it full circle, which was really my goal. And, my other secret goal that I will now share anyway, was to procrastinate from my homework. But really, I can't concentrate when I've got all this spewing inside of me.

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive." -Unknown

P.S. I really like this blogging thing. Even if no one reads it. It's a nice outlet for me. Plus my thoughts are usually pretty jumbled, so it's nice to sort through them.

And I'm sorry it was so long. I just have a lot of feelings!