A Prayer for my Family?

Here's something I sort of typed out after I've reflected on the day. To put it simply, I wasn't the best daughter in the world today. But I've been having a lot of days like that, especially when I come home and feel like I'm stuck with them here, feeling like there's no escape from all that they do. It's not a good place to be. So here we are, my cry for help, my prayer for my family. And probably for me too. Because the Lord knows I need all the help I can get when it comes to this.

But then again, so does everyone... my family included.

I don’t know how I can show love to my parents.

They’re supposed to be the ones that are guiding me, they’re supposed to be leading me, they’re supposed to be strong and teach me how to be a good person. Now I have to do that? I can't even begin to describe how stressful that sounds. It sounds like I'm supposed to be the parent and they’re supposed to be the child. I'm supposed to lead them to the cross and teach them how wonderful God is.

Yikes.

How am I supposed to teach all that I’ve learned to my prideful father, to the one who thinks he’s never wrong and always tries to be perfect, though he fails like the rest of the world? Or to my brother, who has a lot of arrogance, who has completely checked out from God and is lost in the world, trying to find out where he belongs and finding his identity in his academic abilities; I know because I was there. And my mother, who has this stigma of how angry her non-Catholic brother is at the rest of the world, to those who aren’t of his religion, and doesn’t show God’s love in the way that it was meant to be, and feels as though Catholicism is the right way, the non-shallow way, the best way. Instead, her and her brother get angry at each other, failing to see that there are truths in both of what they believe but their pride in their religion and their stubbornness to see the truths gets in the way of everything productive. All this pride (though I'm not perfect myself, I know)! And that’s just a few things; there are more issues and things the deeper we dig.

No wonder I'm scared to talk to all of them.

I’ll feel defeated and I won't know what to do after that. What if our relationship is changed for the worse after that? Then what am I supposed to do? What if they treat me like they all treat my mother’s brother right now? I don’t want to be an outcast in my own family. They are supposed to love me and care for me and provide for me; I can't handle being shut out like that.

I know I'm just supposed to love them, but it’s hard when they irritate you or frustrate you or when you’re holding onto a grudge like I am that still affects everything that I do. I know I don’t love them like I should, every single one of them. I know I could do so much better, but my anger and frustrations block that out and I get hazy and confused about how I'm supposed to be honoring them and obeying them and loving them. It’s easier on some days because they don’t do anything to upset me, but that is completely not right at all. My love for them should be unconditional; they’re my family, after all. Is that wrong to believe that I'm going to love and appreciate them no matter what they do? I'm supposed to love like Christ loves everyone, regardless of what they all do. He died when we were all sinners because he loved us, loved me, loved my entire family. But God, it’s so hard. I'm only human and I'm not perfect. It’s not meant to be an excuse, but a plea, a cry for help. Please Lord, help me to love them, help me to look past their imperfections and their sins to reach out to them, to appreciate them no matter what they do, to speak words of praise and not of criticism, to love them like Christ loves them. I have to remember that you’re the only one that can help me in this, I have to find my strength in you, I have to meditate on your word and realize that I’ve been given this incredible gift of being born again and blessed and I have to share it with them. It’s my God-given duty to pass it on, to share what I believe. It’s not meant to just be for me, it’s meant for everyone. It’s meant for my prideful father, my confused brother, my hurt mother. And now that I have it, as crazy difficult that it’s going to be, I have to show them that I am a changed person and that they can be changed too. I have to show them that God is amazing, that He loves them, that He sent His only Son to die for them, just for them, and that He’s always watching and God is never going to leave their side no matter what they do and what happens. Because, unlike my love, His is completely and utterly unconditional and He wants to call them all home. He wants nothing more than for my family to call Him Lord of their lives, for them to be slaves to Him, to love others like He loves. I want the best for them, and I do love them, but God loves them infinitely more than I do, then I ever can, and God wants all good things for them. I can’t worry about how they’ll perceive it, about how they’ll react, about what will happen after. God will take care of all of that. If I do it with loving words in a caring, compassionate, sincere voice, I’ve done my part. I can’t even worry if I'm going to get that far yet.

But in order for them to get any of that, it may just take me stepping up and (though it may not be sharing everything right away) just loving them like Jesus loves them. No matter what I tell them, no matter if I get to it or not, I have to love them.