Writing

***This one has been sitting on my computer desktop for a week or two now, so I should probably just post it.***

I've read that writing is very easy; all you have to do is sit at the typewriter and bleed. I can't recall who said this at the moment, but I thought it was quite poignant and applicable to me. For a long time, I've wanted to be a writer, probably of fiction of the romantic variety (though I have no experience in such topics). Regardless of that, I think it’s going on ten years now that I've wanted to be a writer, which means I've been writing since I was 11 or 12. That’s quite some time, I believe, and I would like to believe that my craft has been developed quite significantly since then, though I know I have a long way to go before I’m even close to ready for publishing or even submitting any of my work. I have a few problems that I should probably consider solving before I can even begin to think about writing something book worthy.

1.                    Being able to tell people that I enjoy writing. For the time being, I've most likely only told a handful of people (read: less than 10) that I like writing. I don’t even know if my parents remember that I enjoy writing, as I think I've only brought it up in passing and it was years ago. It’s difficult to write when people around you don’t know that you enjoy writing.

2.                    Being able to share my writing with others. Other than my blog, which only a couple of people know I have anyway, I've only ever let one person read any of my fiction writings. One. That’s it. And it was eight or nine years ago when I shared it. I was writing a lot of fluffy sweet things too, so it wasn’t anything deep or inappropriate or what have you.

3.                    Telling people the types of things I like to write about. Most people know (or can guess) that I’m kind of a romantic and believe pretty fully in love. What people may not know (or guess) is that I like to write about these things. The situations and characters shall remain a mystery, for now, but I don’t want to lose friends because I like to write about love, especially since I've never had a love of my own.

4.                    Finishing something I've started. My computer is a veritable graveyard of unfinished stories. I had 110 on an old computer, nearly 70 on my current one, and none of them have even a sense of an ending. Oh sure, I've written a couple of things in the 100+ page range, which I know is a good start, but I never finish them. I get uninspired or come up with something else or think it’s quite cheesy and all kinds of nonsense. Excuses aside, I just stop writing. I've posted two chapters on a fiction website and didn’t get to anything else from that story. Sorry to those who are waiting on it; I’ll be finishing it never.

5.                    Being inspired to write. As I mentioned above, I pretty exclusively stay in the romance category (do what you will with that information) and I would like to branch out to write something with more substance. Other than my blog posts, which are just stream of consciousness anyway, I've never written anything solely dramatic or horrific (not that I would like to anyway… gross) or thrilling or science fiction-y. While I do enjoy the fluffy romantic bits I occasionally come up with, I wish it wasn’t my only way of writing.

I’m sure there’s more to add to the list, but I think, in general, this is pretty comprehensive right now, encompassing everything I need and want to change. And that quote I referenced at the beginning? I bleed a lot into these blog posts, but I wonder if bleeding is a transferrable skill. I would like to put my heart into my other writings as well.

Until then, I’ll just keep dreaming about happy endings.

Future Plans?

So often, I think I want to do something, but after researching it and looking into anything related to my want, I turn away and push it out of my mind.

I just don’t know what I want to do with my life.

Maybe, I think, I should be a counselor or someone who works in the mental health field. Yes, that would be nice. I think that mental health issues are severely neglected in this country and there is such a stigma that comes with it that I would like to help overcome. Oh, wait, I need to work with people who are unwilling to cooperate? And people who have a history with things I've only ever seen dramatized on television? Maybe I’ll look for something else.

Maybe I’ll be a teacher! Yes, I would love to help develop children’s minds and shape them for the future, considering they are the future, after all. Oh, some children like to act up in classes? And some of them have home lives where they can't even cope with something as trivial as math or reading? And not all are perfect students who want to try to do something with their lives. Moving on.

Oh, a doctor! I've always wanted to be a doctor! Helping people with their ear infections and stuffy noses! And everyone gets a lollipop! Hold on, did you say broken bones? And medical school? Never mind.

A dentist! USC has always been my dream school! I would love to impart my knowledge about dental hygiene onto others! I love flossing and brushing my teeth, it makes me feel healthy and clean. Wait, you said that people get cavities and have disgusting mouths and not everyone has had braces? Well, okay, maybe in another life.

Maybe I’ll be an executive administrative assistant. This has always sounded appealing to me for some reason and I would love to keep someone else’s life organized. I don’t want to have time to worry about my life; I can concentrate on someone else instead! You see the flaw inherent in this, I hope.

Oh bother, maybe I should go to graduate school, just to avoid the real world. What do you mean I have to “pick something I’m interested in” and “write a personal statement”? I think not.

Maybe I’ll resort to mathematics. Doing what, I don’t know (see teacher, above).

Or I’ll just get married and have a family. Maybe I should get a boyfriend first. That’s going to happen really soon, at least in the next 10-15 years. What’s another decade of waiting when I've already waited this long?

I’m not sure I’m capable of doing anything of worth. My mom keeps telling me that someone out there wants me and my skillset, whatever that may be. I, quite frankly, don’t believe it for a second. What have I ever done? I've lived a sheltered, privileged life. Sure, I've had my pitfalls and my moments of weakness, but who am I to think that I can do anything productive for society? People don’t want a white woman from an upper middle class family to tell them about their problems and how to live their lives and how to do things when I don’t even know what I’m doing.

Even when I ask my parents what they see me doing, they reference the mathematics degree I foolishly studied. I don’t want to do math at this point in my life! It’s selfish and silly for anything above differential equations. Maybe I’ll be eating my words later, and that’s fine. But as of right now, I just don’t see myself working with numbers (or Greek letters, for that matter) on a daily basis. They don’t know what I would be good at (or they do and they’re reluctant to tell me because they’re banking on math panning out). But what do they know; who really even knows me anyway? They’re not me, they don’t live in my head, and they’re not even a stalker. But I digress.

But the rub of it all is that I want someone to tell me what I should do with my life. So silly, right? Someone other than myself, someone who doesn’t know me, telling me what to do... Preposterous, I say! And yet so appealing!

All I want to know (ha!) is what my life’s purpose is. I know I want to help people, but how? In what context? For how long? What age group? What field? So many questions I don’t have the answer to.

Is this post-grad blues? I’m not even post-grad yet! My head hurts.