What I'm Looking For

Whoa buddy, another post, coming your way!

I don't think I've ever updated this much in... probably ever. But I think I've got a direction now, unlike that last post. I apologize if anyone fell asleep or felt like I was just going on and on and on. But I digress.

So lately, I've been feeling pretty different from my usual self. Usually, I'm happy and cheerful and people-pleasing and studious and caring and smart and all these things I've been used to.

This has not really been happening.

I'm cranky, upset easily, not so studious, angry, depressed, scared, annoyed easily, lonely, off my game, and all these things I really don't like and all these things that I felt my last two years of high school. If you know me at all, you'll know I hated those two years.

I don't think I'm trying to relive my high school years, but I am trying to learn from it and I am, in a way, comparing how I was to how I am, which has some mixed results. But, here I am, trying to move away from my past and I feel like I'm being sucked back into it. So, in order to pull myself away from this unhappiness I've been feeling lately, I'll make a list of things that would probably make me really happy.

1. God.

Okay, so this one is definitely one that would for sure make me happy, without a doubt. Somehow, between when summer ended and school started, God has been lost in the shuffle. It hurts me to say that, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I can't really lie about it. I don't read my Bible as much anymore. I don't go to church (I think I've been three times this semester). I don't spend my quality time with Christians. I don't do Bible study anymore. I feel isolated from it all.

Yeah, I can change all of that, no problem. I could find a group to go to church with. I could start reading my Bible right now. I could get someone to do a Bible study with me. I could easily find some Christians to hang out with more often. But I'm not. I'm scared that I'm not. I know that God will "take me back" and I know that He's so great and so powerful that it's really no big deal for him to wrap His arms around me again. But I just can't do it. I think it's got something to do with me believing that people won't accept me, that they'll think of me as a hypocrite for going back and forth so much. But, really, what does that matter? What does matter is that I'm right with God, right? Yeah. I guess I'm not getting that.

2. Finishing school.

I'm burnt out. I have, after this semester, two more to go. And I swear, it feels like pulling teeth. I'm sure I mentioned it somewhere in my last post that I used to be so dedicated to school and grades and learning, but now I'm very 'meh' about it. Not sure how I feel about feeling 'meh' but I know that I want to be done.

I know I'm smart, and I know I'm capable of doing everything, but it hurts to know that I'm paying all this money for a major I don't even like, for an education that I don't really care all that much about anymore. Maybe I've been hanging out with the wrong people (see above) and they're influencing me to feel this way. Actually, that's definitely what's happening.

I keep recalling this past summer, when I worked a 40-hour a week job. I would get up at 6:30 everyday to be to work at 8, leave at 4:30, come home, eat, relax, and go to sleep at 10:30. It was awesome. Routines really have a special place in my heart. I think this college thing, this no routine thing is messing with my mind. Okay, fine, there is sort of a routine about college and everything, but I just can't seem to find it. I feel like I'm just wandering about, still trying to find out what I want to do with my life, what really gets my motor running, what friends are good to have, what foods are good to eat (food is important to me, you have no idea). And, again, FINE, no one probably has it figured out and even if they do, it doesn't really matter, because nothing ever really works out the way it's planned. There's always some kink in the chain, something that sort of holds you back from really achieving everything you dreamed about.

Not that it's a bad thing. Those kinks in the chain are usually the ones that create a huge knot of excitement in your stomach, coming at you from left field, hitting you square on, making you wake up and realize that this is where you are supposed to be right now. Again, I have a difficult time realizing that.

3. Food.

Oh goodness. So since about the middle of 2011 or so, I've started to realize my passion for food. I mean, I've always really enjoyed food, eating and creating it, and I feel like I have a knack for this, but it's really taken over my life recently. I love cooking, baking, chopping, sauteing, cleaning the dishes, and feeling a satisfaction inside when I eat good food or make good food or hear about people enjoying good food. Man, it's really awesome. I've been going back and forth with the idea that maybe "food" is where I'm supposed to be. Yes, I know above I said that I didn't know what I wanted, but in a way, it's true. I don't know what I'm going to be doing exactly, I don't have a "dream job" that everyone my age seems to have, but I do know that somehow it will involve food.

Does that mean working in a restaurant? Sure, why not. Does this mean owning my own bakery? Yes, that sounds really nice. How about working in catering? As stressful as I've heard it can be, I'm pretty sure I could do it. Does this mean making dinner every night for a family I have? I am all about that.

Do you see my issue?

Maybe it really doesn't seem like a big issue to others, but it's big to me. Maybe this means I'm in the wrong major right now. Maybe I'm meant to go to culinary school after this. Maybe I'm supposed to get married and just cook for my family (honey, I will make you all the sandwiches you want, I just want to feed you). And on that note...

4. A boyfriend.

Right. This will be a sticky one to get out of.

So I'm going to put it out there and say I've never had a boyfriend. Simple as that. But I don't get jealous of others when I hear about their successful boyfriend stories (I actually really like to live vicariously through others and their relationships). It gives me hope to know that somewhere out there, God-willing, is a man that's perfect for me as my friends' significant others are for them. But there's something about the idea of a boyfriend that is just so appealing to me. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me boy crazy, I just love love. I love that someone is there for you whenever. I love that these two lives can converge together into something harmonious. I love finding your "other half" or finding someone to "complete you" or finding someone to "complement you." It's just a beautiful thing. Mind you, I don't think I'm in the market to just date around or just have some pretend relationship with (somehow, right now I got extreme déjà vu too... weird), but I would like to date someone to eventually get married. Heck, if my first boyfriend turns out to be my husband, that's fine by me! I guess it's just a matter of being patient and open to letting love into my life.

Somehow I feel like I've completely contradicted everything I've said above with this one point, but I'm sure humans are very contradictory anyway.

But anyway, where was I? Right. Boyfriends. After thinking about it a while though, maybe I'm just looking for a best friend. Not someone who's life centers around me (I can't handle having to be someone's life), but someone who, when everything is said and done and the ashes are all that's left, that person will be there for me when I need them. I just want a constant companion, someone who cares enough to let me into their heart, someone who wants me just the way I am, someone who lets me have my space, someone who calls me out on the stuff I need to be reminded of, someone who has faith strong enough to help me not to falter like I'm sure I will, someone who thinks I'm beautiful, someone who can help me through life's problems, someone who will laugh at me, someone who will make me feel special, someone who I can feel comfortable enough arguing with, someone who has differing opinions than me, someone who can give me 100% even if they're not feeling 100% all the time, someone who likes cats too, someone who appreciates a good meal, someone who can reach up and kill the spiders I'm too afraid will fall on my head, someone who loves to spend time with me. But don't get me wrong, I'm not just looking for all of that and then who expects nothing in return from me. No way, if I found someone who expected all of that and more from me, I would probably be set.

I don't think my expectations are too unrealistic. I don't really even care what he looks like... well, okay, that's a lie. But if he's even remotely attractive to me, we're good. I don't care what job he has. I don't care if he's American or not. I don't care where we live. I don't care where we first meet or where we get married or how many kids we have or what we do every weekend. It's just love I'm looking for.

I think I got out of that one just fine.

This is pretty much all I've got right now. Maybe I'm too future oriented. Maybe I'm unrealistic in all that I've said. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing. Maybe I just need to get out more. I don't know, but here's my current list.