How to Let People Use You And, Subsequently, Let Them Down

Tell people you have a car. At first, it may seem as though these people are just asking for rides, willy-nilly, maybe even apologizing after, saying they don't want to use me for my car. But then they tell their friends and suddenly, there's a party in my car and I have to clean up the leftover Target bags and the errant French fry, stowed away between the seat cushions. Soon, the apologies stop. The offer to pay for gas money stops. You start to justify it with, "Well, I mean, I needed to go shopping too," even if it was at a really inconvenient time for you and you didn't need milk for at least another week and you didn't even get a change to look at the ad.

Say, "I'm here for you." It seems like an obvious one, making sure people know that, yes, I would like to be a supportive friend, so let me help you get through this stressful problem where you have to consider your future. Got it. Then it turns into conversations that automatically get turned to the other person, where they ask you how you are, you say fine and start to recount some really big highlights of your day/week/month/life, but somehow, they interrupt and start talking about how cute their cousins are and how much they've grown and "look at their little baby feet I'm so sad they're not little anymore I miss it." When you say I'm here for you, you really mean that you're going to listen to everything they say but then expect nothing in return, leaving you loathing yourself and your relationship with this person.

Share your food with everyone. Someone looks like they're having a bad day? Offer them a piece of chocolate. If they mention they haven't eaten anything for seven hours? Give them your last piece of pizza. Do they keep repeating that they're so hungry but they don't know what they want? Open your fridge to them, recount everything you have, tell everything you could possibly make, search all restaurants in a five mile radius, or offer to go and get them something delicious if you don't have it or have never even heard of it because they look like they' had an awful week. Pretty soon, you'll be giving out your last Bowl of Noodles that your parents bought you from Costco because you are a hungry college student/unemployed worker/live in a third world country but you know that there are people that need the MSG more than you, so you make sure they're happy while you're stuck with something terrible from the cafeteria or the moldy lettuce from the back of the fridge. At least you ate something.

Make sure you say yes to everything. It starts small, with a "Hey, let's get dinner," and "Hey, will you help me with this math problem?" Then it turns into, "Pick up the phone every time I call you so that we can talk about nothing, sit in silence, and then let an hour pass by without as much as anything meaningful passing by our lips even though I know you have homework to do or have other friends to see or you feel terrible after talking to me," or  "Come see this YouTube video I think is really hilarious but you probably don't have time for, especially since I'm going to suck you in with at least ten more videos about puppies that look like celebrities that look like cats that look like my mother." It's hard at first to think about saying anything other than "yes" but once you get back to your place, it's one in the morning, and you have homework/cleaning/a job to do, you learn to wallow in your self pity and criticize yourself for not being strong enough to say no and feeling incredibly dumb for falling into the same trap of "I would love to help you." If you say no, you will disappoint them and nothing will ever be the same.

Commit to everything, feel guilty for being unintentionally flaky. This is a lot like saying yes, but it's yes for multiple people all at the same time. You need to be at the doctor at 10:30? Yes, I will do that for you. And you want to meet me for lunch at 11? Yes, I can do that. I may be a little late, because my friend is on the other side of town and I told her I would also take her home after the appointment after picking up her medication from Walgreen's. I may even bring her along and eat with a heavy heart because my other friend is waiting to go home but I haven't seen you in a while and I want to do both so badly but I can't because I'm only one person. It's okay, I'll be fine, I can't be stressed about it now, since I have another meeting at 1:30 for the Recycling Committee and another at 2 for a coffee break. I'll pencil you in my nonexistent calendar.

Try to be everything to everyone. Consequently, make sure everyone else is always happy. If someone needs a listener, be that and don't expect them to pay the same respect to you. If someone needs a gym buddy, go and workout with them even if you hate running because it's bad for your knees but you go because your friend really hates going to the gym alone and people stare at her funny and you really boost her self-confidence. If your friend needs someone to help her with taxes/homework/babysitting, you have to do it, even if you don't even make enough to keep track of your own finances or you really aren't all that good at interpreting Nietzsche or you think kids are satanic creatures, you are going to help her because someday, when the end of the world is nigh and you have a bunch of favors to call in, you're going to be able to ask for something like a hug or a supportive shoulder, so you've got to save up for that moment. You've got to make sure that all that you've done for everyone else is going to finally pay off for yourself in the smallest of dividends and it's all going to be worth it when the time is perfectly right. But only for the other person.

Magical Time

I've definitely been duped.

Someone has duped me and I don't like it.

Aren't I supposed to be living my dream life right now? I am in my twenties now, for crying out loud! Aren't I supposed to be living in New York City, writing a blog post a week, making enough to support my living in my studio apartment in Manhattan, right off of Times Square (I'm pretty sure my geography is wrong, but this is supposed to happen for me dangit!), walking around and seeing my name on every Barnes and Noble Bestseller List for writing my memoir on growing up on the west coast and feeling as though my soul was destined for something a little more eastern and foreign and how I ultimately overcame my insecurities and the parents and teachers and siblings and mooching friends who told me I couldn't make it anywhere because I just didn't have what "it" takes and that with just a little perseverance and an attitude of superiority I did; my face on every billboard and jumbotron (which sounds like a transformer) advertising my amazing product that cures every single ailment in the world while simultaneously distributing kittens and butterflies to all unhappy children in existence ever; my voice in all the concert halls and Broadway and the street corners with a guitar or cymbal or a record scratching kit getting just enough money in tips to dye my hair an overwhelming shade of red and buy a soft ironic beanie and plaid scarf (or is it plaid beanie and soft ironic scarf?) from American Apparel to show my complete disgust in the world and appreciation for all things alternative and supporting things like Occupy Facebook because I am completely justified; my eyes gazing up at my on-screen romance (who would obviously be Ryan Gosling because he's all about feminism) with just enough distrust in my features to show the audience that this is an intriguing movie because I've just starred in a Martin Scorsese/ J.J. Abrams/Peter Jackson flick that made over 200 million dollars in the first week and has been at number one since who can even remember but it deserves it because clearly I am the greatest actress in the entire universe.

Is it really that hard for my life to go this way? It's really not that complicated to just want summer vacations, fringe benefits, work from home, no work at all, a vacation home in Paris and Normandy and London and Thailand and Australia and the moon, a loving partner who kills the spiders and fixes me breakfast and repairs the cars and changes the air filter in our home and takes me out every week for a dinner just the two of us and a bathtub with jets and a swimming pool on the roof and an invite to all the exclusive parties and fashion shows and being accepted to Stanford Law School with a full ride scholarship and milk never getting spoiled and my favorite foods all on sale all the time and a personal chef and a dog walker and children who trust everything I say and never get into trouble and neighbors that never complain about the noise level when I have wine tasting parties in my uptown loft and girls nights to Las Vegas and no calorie Twinkies and love and appreciation no matter how I treat you, along with things and houses and cars and people and places and time and days and months and years and years and years to do everything, everything I ever want to do without any sort of consequences or learning and lots of fun all the time, nothing ever terrible happens, ever, and my life is just wonderful and everyone loves me and hates me at the same time because I am just so wonderful and beautiful and brilliant and amazing and cooks well and everything that has every happened.

Why can't this happen?

I'm actually really disappointed that I'm not getting this stuff right now. Along with cats. Lots of cats.

Unrelated, I'm really into long sentences as of late. And trying out new writing styles. It's rather fun.

Honesty

I feel as though I've been lied to. That all the old adages of "Opposites attract" and "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" are actually false, created to explain something that no one else could come up with scientific evidence to prove or disprove. I mean, really, opposites don't attract; if that were the case, I would be in a relationship with a no good, lying dirtbag who would probably spend way too much money on things and care too little about people around him. The only good thing about that saying is that boys and girls are opposites, which is considerably important to me. And while, yes, if I'm not dead, I must be getting stronger, I feel this only applies to workouts (which can actually kill you... a rarity, but still possible). Everything else just drains you until it's too late to realize that you've actually learned something from it and you're back to that uphill battle.

But if there's one maxim that really drives me bonkers is that "Honesty is the best policy."

It's just not true.

On the surface, it seems like a really great idea. Yeah, telling people the truth is always good. If you're lying to someone else then where does that leave you? With a story to remember and a secret to cover. Plus, if you're being truthful with someone, you have a very specific reason to have told that person your thoughts. They may want to know if that cookie is a good idea or if this outfit is acceptable for a date or if their bald cat really is adorable and so smooth to pet. All things that, when asked about, usually require a fairly honest answer.

I've learned otherwise.

Like, when you need to talk to a professor about how this class is going to be challenging, don't tell him that you're feeling really unmotivated for this class and would like a suggestion about how to really get into the material, expecting a helpful answer but being met with "You should consider a different major."
Or, if you are really frustrated with someone and have been for a while and want them out of your life and you start telling them all the little irks and pet peeves you have with them, from being attached or being too aloof, and then being met with extreme guilt afterward when you think about your actions and how maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't have said that because you're just justifying their actions and allowing for explanation and excuses and they really won't change.
Or, being sort of honest through a witty joke (which is a mistake to begin with) and having them react in a not so savory way and being surprised at their reaction because you always joke with them about these things but have been walking around on eggshells for a while because you were afraid of their explosive temper and thinking it was safe to go back in the water only to be met with contempt and an acrid face and one syllabic answers.
Or telling someone that you aren't doing so well in a class, hoping that they will relate, but instead going off on how they understand everything they're learning, solved a problem for NASA, and won Miss America and it's not even Thursday yet.
Or showing someone your true feelings about a subject or a person and then letting them walk all over you because they have something to combat your sarcastic remarks with something not so sarcastic and more realistic and painful, all because you trusted them to take your honesty to heart and not to betray you and possibly try to show that they are someone who you would like to be friends with because you share these things now but only end up being kicked whilst down.

I'm glad I can be so honest; some people even have trouble saying 'yes' when they mean 'no.' But it's really difficult when you are so honest and you do lay your heart out on the table and others just take a sledgehammer and pound it a couple of times as you watch your words and blood and compassion and thoughts get splattered on the wall, dripping slowly down as you sink deeper and deeper into self-doubt and guilt and depreciation. Morbid? Yes. But being honest? Even more so.

Things I Think About In The Shower

Today, like most Wednesdays, I took a shower. It was a nice shower, pretty typical of any other day, but I was sure to rinse the shampoo out of my hair really well since I usually forget and end up with greasy bits later on that I despise and wish I could wash out but then that would just be another shower so I live with it until I shower again which is usually every other day since showering a lot is supposedly damaging to your hair after all.

But I digress.

Today, as I recall, I was thinking about a lot of things during this little jaunt with the faucet. Here is my list of things I was thinking about:

1.

Prolific, yes? I could write a novel about it! Watch out Melville and Chopin, I am taking your books down!
But really, I can't remember a thing about that which I was thinking.

Maybe there's something about the feeling of water, running through your hair (greasy or not), caressing your brain, stimulating it to make it so that all the right areas are shooting off action potentials at the same time and leading to complete and utter understanding of the universe and how to solve illiteracy and how to make that boy in the grocery really fall in love with you and how to train a cat to fetch the paper while riding a skateboard. All of these incredible, life-changing thoughts that are just swimming through your head (pun partially intended) and you just know that you're going to remember them all and then you finish ridding yourself of all the soap residue and then... nothing.

I'm not entirely sure why this happens. It may be, as you step out of the little basin to fetch your towel, your brain telling you "hey, it's kind of cold out here," as if prioritizing how it's feeling. Doesn't it know that you just solved the impossible sudoku in the paper today that you hadn't even seen yet?! If my body can manage being exposed to the dreadful air for a few moments before snuggling up in a robe then it follows that my brain should take heed and do the same. Selfish. That's what I have to say about you, dearest brain.

So I propose to you, a theory of sorts. There is a possibility that showers in the winter cause more brain damage than those during the winter. I wonder these things (not while in the tub) and consider the idea that the air temperature is quite a bit colder in your presumably tiled bathroom (especially if your housemate/mother/dog likes to keep it at a colder temperature than it is outside), so I make the claim that winter showering is hazardous to your brain functioning because of the cold air. So my obvious solution is to shower only in the summer when you can step out into a watmer, more pleasant atmosphere.

I will test this theory out in six months. Hopefully I don't think of anything conclusive and mind-boggling when I'm showering.

Excited

Today, I am excited about my life.

I haven't felt a high like this in quite some time and now, I am more than content with being single, young, and ready for the world and whatever God puts in front of me. It's quite freeing, really.

I'm usually rather distraught about my seemingly dismal future, but I feel as though I have a lot of prospects and that everything is so available for me to experience. My mantra, from now on, is going to be "I will not be afraid to live my life."

It's enthralling! Life is just glorious!

Graduate School

Since my freshman year of college, I've been really back and forth about whether or not I want to go to graduate school. One month, I'm all for the idea, ready to pack up my bags right now and ship off to a different school full of intellectuals and socially-staved students. I want to be surrounded by those that consider themselves to have a greater purpose in the world, those who want nothing more than to create some new idea in their short lives. Wouldn't it be lovely to be the student who frequents coffee shops, not only to stay awake for some research activity, but to chat with others in my field and otherwise. We'll all sit around, brooding about the life and times of the human condition, smoking expensive cigarettes and wearing all black (maybe not that last bit). And we'll be genuinely excited about what we are doing in our respective areas, eager and willing to share any new tidbit of information we may have picked up from a passing comment to and fro and between professors and advisers and fellow colleagues. To be sure, I am romanticizing it quite a bit, taking what few cues I have from movies and literature (intelligent or not). Regardless though, these notions exist for some reason; there must be some sliver of truth of them. And to be in an atmosphere such as that... I would definitely be more than content.

But then, another month rolls around, and I find myself thinking terrible thoughts about school as a whole institution (no pun intended). My undergraduate career has been... less than spectacular (I think I've ranted about that in an earlier posting... it probably isn't too fulfilling of an argument) and I find university life to be a waste of my time, money, and energy. I am less than passionate about my current major and am finding myself regretting choosing mathematics after a year of indecision. I was in such inner turmoil that I felt it necessary to seek counseling services through my school in order to help me pick a major. After two semesters of that anguish (you may think I'm being dramatic, but you would be mistaken), I found myself content with my classes for about a semester. In retrospect (blasted hindsight), I think I would have been better off with a math minor. My enjoyment of math ceased to exist when the classes started becoming more challenging (read: when I became intolerably lazy) and I have discovered my passions lie elsewhere. Math is great fun and all and I am rather good at the calculus and statistics portion, but show me a proof and I'll tell you that it's correct because a dead guy proved it long ago and redundancy is silly.
You see my dilemma.
I also believe that I picked my major for the wrong reasons. As a back story, I recall going to counseling because I needed to make a decision where I didn't feel "stuck" for my future. I desired options and was frustrated that I felt like I was settling for some sub-par major at a sub-par school (I was originally a business major). I was rather high on my horse and thought remarkably of my intelligence. My friends told me I was smart and would always come to me for help when they didn't understand something. So, naturally, being "stuck" at an in-state college nicknamed "Not A University" did wonders for my confidence in my abilities. The friends that once came to me for their school needs now expressed disappointment in my choice of university. Though I wouldn't have admitted it until now, I was also disappointed in my choice. This was probably why I chose math as my major. I believed that, even if I didn't completely love it, it would make me look smart and like an excellent student. My parents suggested that a math degree would be looked favorably upon, no matter where I received it, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered where I attended undergraduate.
But it did to me.
I know I could have been accepted into a more highly favored university and probably would have received enough scholarships and aid... had I tried. To be fair, and to brag a little, I did apply to transfer to USC after my freshman year and was accepted. Telling my friends the news made them feel like I wasn't just giving up on my intelligence and that I had a fighting chance in the world to redeem my name. But, alas, it was still astronomically expensive and my donors (read: my parents) disagreed that a more expensive college would be worth the money.
But would it have been?
From my perspective, I'm surrounded by a lot of in-state students who chose to come here because of the proximity and the cost. I'm not knocking it at all, since the closeness to home was a major factor in my decision and I have a scholarship for in-state schools to pay for my full tuition. But as I've aged and, hopefully, become wiser, the students that I am surrounding myself with seem to abhor school. And from my observations, a good portion of them seem to be in-state students as well, saying this was their choice because it is cheaper and closer to home. Maybe I've picked the wrong people to surround myself with though, and then the folly is mine. Of course, not all of my interactions have been as such, so this is rather general. But, regardless, there is some correlation there. Maybe it's something to consider, to see if the correlation does imply causation.
And yes, I've toyed with the notion that maybe all schools are like this, which I'm sure holds its weight in water, but is it to the extent of which I've experienced it? Maybe by paying more for tuition and by completely surrounding oneself with a new environment, the catalyst for change in behaviors is more rapid or more enduring. It may be possible that those who are paying a pretty penny for an education may work harder in order to get their money's worth, rather than knowing that they can slack off. Additionally, and generally speaking, those who's tuition is higher will usually go to an institution that has a lot more opportunities in terms of research or class offerings or intriguing faculty. Mostly, in my understanding, the student environment will be different and those with limited acceptance rates especially will have a more prestigious group of people gathered there.
To finally tie it back to graduate schools, maybe had I been in a different environment, I would have picked a more appropriate major and been more secure in my decision for postgraduate pursuits. Maybe I would have ended up the same: unsure about my future education, unhappy in a major, and unsatisfied with my college life. Maybe I would have found all of this academic satisfaction but been lacking in something else that I could have lamented about here. Who even knows, really?

Maybe this post wasn't even about graduate school. Maybe it was about taking risks. I know I didn't take any when I was applying to college. If there's anything I truly regret in life, it was not applying to other universities. Maybe I would have been more confident in my choice, whatever it was. I at least hope I wouldn't have these dreadful thoughts looming about, taunting me with a potentially better life.
So many "what ifs?" that are regretfully unanswered.

Maybe graduate school could be a good restart for me.

If I ever make up my mind, that is... Part II, anyone?

Availability

I think I make myself too available, all the time. I don't know how to say "no" to anything or anyone. I'm hard pressed to really reject anyone outright. I will sacrifice a lot in order to make sure that others are happy, even if I don't like the outcome. Others take advantage of my willingness to say yes. Maybe it's just me, but don't people realize that I have my own stuff too? Don't they have the decency to realize that even if they have nothing going on that others may have things they need to do? That they are, unfortunately to them, not the center of my world?
People just come to my door, expecting me to say yes to everything. And they're correct.

It's an awful problem that I wish could be fixed.