Fail

I fail at blogging. Like, hardcore. I haven't been on this thing in months and I have at least 5 posts that I have sitting in my drafts folder (is that what it's called? A drafts folder? See what I mean, I don't know anything about this!) that I have yet to either finish or edit or both. I don't know why I do it, think I can post something awesome and get all riled up for it and then just stop in the middle. Further, I don't understand why I think I'm going to come back to the drafts and add onto it even though I was talking about it months ago and have probably forgotten about it and have most definitely moved past it. Maybe I'll just post them all so they won't feel so bad, sitting there all alone in that drafts containing device. Well, I guess they're not alone either, since I just said I have 5 that I didn't post. Details, details.

But, then I think, why should I post them? I know with 100% confidence that I'm a seriously changed and different person than when I wrote those other posts. Do I really want to look back at that? It's not like I was posting that I was kicking puppies and taking candy from children and climbing in people's windows, snatching their people up, but still. I'm different now.

But, again, on the flipside (I think that's right. It's a three sided coin from my perspective), it's not always super bad to look back on who I was and realize how awesome it is that I'm where I am now, looking at the leaps and bounds of progress I've made. Maybe I didn't make it evident in the posts I may share, but I'm sure if you read between the lines, you may discover something.

Okay, well, that's it. I mean, I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, but I like to think that someone, somewhere, has a vast amount of knowledge about me because of this blog. And I can't disappoint them.

Even though it's a little creepy.

Wants and Needs

2/7/11

I think wants and needs, though two (nearly) entirely separate things, can have some relationship on occasion. I know that "I want those pair of pants" is fundamentally different from "I need those pair of jeans" but I think that, a lot of the time, the two can be the same. My personal list is as follows.

• I want/need to stop cursing so much. While I know that I need to, or I should, rather, is important, I have to feel the desire to stop as well. As much as I dislike that trait about myself, I know that if I don't feel completely compelled to stop, it will be almost futile to try.
• I want/need to think that I'm beautiful. This is one I seriously need to work on. I know that I would love nothing more than to wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and say, "Wow, I don't need makeup today because I look incredible," and then just go on my merry way. I would probably also get more sleep if I didn't feel the need to get ready every morning, so that's a plus too. But I also need to think I'm beautiful. I haven't heard it a lot in my life until fairly recently, so it's hard to come to grips with it. But up until then, I felt absolutely terrible about myself. I didn't think I was a worthy friend, I didn't think I would ever be loved for who I was inside because of who I was on the outside. Basically, it's a work in progress.
• I want/need to be loved. This one is fairly obvious for the "I want to be loved" part. I mean, who doesn't want to be loved? But then comes the "need" part. It sounds awfully selfish to say I need to be loved. But really, it's not. Is it wrong to need love in your life? Is it wrong to need to feel appreciated and cared for? I mean, it definitely goes both ways as well, but really, what is a life without any love? It doesn't even matter if it's friendship love, parental love, or romantic love. I'll take it all and love it (see what I did there?).
• I want/need to make lasting friendships. Again, this one is fairly obvious, possibly on both counts too. I know I've never mentioned this, but the place where I'm living right now is so absolutely incredible. I love all the girls that live here and how amazing they've been to me and for me. I want nothing more than to be friends with them for a long time. On the flip side though, I want/need to learn how to get rid of those who bring me down and aren't "good for me."
• I want/need to learn how to say no to people.
• I want/need to create a lasting and incredible relationship with God.

4/15/11

Here's one thing that was in my drafts shelf that I mentioned in my last post. It's almost 2 months later and I'm pretty sure that I'm doing awesome on this list to be completely honest. I am definitely doing well on the first one, the second one is getting close, the third one is absolutely manifesting itself in the people around me (and I couldn't be happier. Seriously), and the fourth is going okay. And for the fifth? Definitely doing that. And I'm loving my life with God in it and all he's doing so far to make sure that I do stay close, as I truly do desire. Maybe I do remember what I was doing two months ago better than I thought. Maybe I'll add more to the list later. Maybe I'll delve more into my newfound relationship with God. All in good time.

Me in a Nutshell.

I really like writing. Like, a lot. I'm not so eloquent when I speak (evidenced by my math class when I basically pointed at the board and said whatever was in my mouth at the time), but with writing, I have a backspace button. I can redo whatever I want. I can write something down and then take it back, pretending like it was a joke that no one was meant to hear. I mean, I could have written a billion personal, private secrets about my life before this sentence, but you'll never know. Not that I would anyway; I'm just getting to know you guys! I can't just be spilling intimate details about my life all willy nilly. It would be too much, too soon. We need to build a relationship first. Take the first baby steps toward a healthy relationship. I'll start this out:

Hi, I'm Adrianna. I'm in my second year in college and I'm a math major (wait, a math major? But you just said you like writing?). Yes, I know what I said. But I can like math too. And guess what? All math majors are not complete geniuses/nerds/antisocial freaks. I'm not too socially awkward (but what person is completely well-adjusted?) and I like to shop and read and watch television and cook and eat and hang out with friends and go to school and write. Which I guess brings me back to my first sentence. I need an outlet, a way to write not just numbers, but words. Don't get me wrong, numbers and patterns and functions are beautiful. I just like the English language as well.

Let's see, what else can I say... Ah, well, I think I'm funnier than I probably am, I laugh loud sometimes, I am over-emotional, I stress out when I don't have some semblance of control (especially when it comes to my life), I am very close with my family, I am a big fan of the male population, I love cats (especially mine), and I like to take people's problems upon myself. It's stressful and sometimes it's annoying, but in general, I kind of like it. I don't think I'm particularly sadistic though, so I know when not to involve myself in things.

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I can remember to write in this, but we'll see.

First Post

Yeah, I don't really know what to put here. It's mostly just me procrastinating from homework.