Emotions Taking Me Over

Just in case you don't really know me, I have lots of emotions. You're probably thinking, "That's silly, everyone has emotions." Yeah, okay, that's fair, but I don't think you understand. I wear them on my sleeve nearly 100% of the time. Well, okay, that may actually be a lie. I really only have one emotion: crying. Which, yes, isn't an emotion, but I pretty much cry at everything:

• Movies that are happy.
• Movies that are sad.
• Any movie, really.
• Songs that remind me of people.
• Songs that make me happy.
• Songs that are super applicable to my life.
• Church - it's actually weird if I don't get teary eyed, so it's almost an expectation. I'm 4/4 so far. So that's good. But maybe not. (I was going to write out four for four, but that looks silly. I should have saved this for when I've been to this church five times)
• My Bible study.
• People that talk about Jesus with me (but I've gotten better. Sort of).
• When I think about people I love.
• When I think about my future.
• Sad animal commercials (you know, those ASPCA commercials? Dreadful).

You see that list up there, right? I mean, look how many things are up there. And I cry for every single one. If I feel something, anything really, I cry. You're probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, do you ever not cry?" To that I say: no, not really, actually. It's pretty much an every day occurrence. And I'm not even afraid to show it anymore. Just call me shameless, I suppose. But seriously, I'm a classic case of chronic crier (side note: did you see that alliteration there? I'm impressed with myself. Didn't even have to try for that one). Sometimes they're sad, upset, "the world is ending" cries. Sometimes they're emotionally charged, crazy stressed types of crying. Sometimes I just like to cry to get anything out. And sometimes they're what I like to call "good cries," where I reflect on my life and realize where I've been and how far I've come and how truly blessed I am and how wonderful everything is and how much I don't want it to change. And then it just turns into one of the first two cases. Sometimes the third too.

Basically, you could just stick a fork in me whenever anything even slightly emotional comes up. I'm just done.

Like today, I cried a couple of times and I was definitely on the verge of tears for a lot of the latter part of the day. Actually, for most of the day. First off, it was Sunday, and that's my newly rediscovered church day (that makes sense, yes?), so clearly, I have no choice but to cry there. And then I spent some time outside and read my Bible for some time (which is, again, a new thing for me that I'm rather enjoying), which made me cry. And then I listened to some music I recently obtained and I teared up (I didn't cry only because my roommate was in the room and I don't want her to think I'm stranger than I already am). And then, oh goodness, I completely fell apart at my second to last residence hall meeting. See, during it we give out awards to people for being supportive or friendly or just super awesome, and I teared up and I couldn't give out the ones that I wanted to and I felt really guilty because I was getting some and I didn't want to have them think I was ungrateful. But why didn't I do this, you ask?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE CRIED.

Shocker.

I guess I do have some shame, but I was tearing up enough and I didn't feel like losing it in front of people that I may never see again after this year (which is pretty upsetting, actually). Maybe it's that change thing I mentioned above. I've met some absolutely incredible people living here this semester (there's probably five or six that I'm thinking of in particular; maybe I'll talk about them in a different post, we shall see) and I love all that this hall is and how much time a lot of people invest in making sure it's superb and the thought that in just a month or so it will all be over and different is heartbreaking. I mean, if you thought I was joking about the crying thing, I'm definitely tearing up right now. I'm seriously in love with living here and all the amazing friends I've made and I have to come to the realization that it's not going to be the same.

But then, simultaneously, I have to remember and remind myself that everything is going to be fine. I don't plan on letting these people out of my life so easily and I'm going to do everything in my power to remember that there is room in my heart for more people to make their homes and that just because one amazing chapter is over, it doesn't mean the book is over and that there aren't any other equally amazing (or, dare I say it, better) chapters left. I may not have closed the last book I was in (especially from last year) and I still have to cross reference from it every once in a while, but from my perspective, I've just started this new book. And I am in no hurry to put it down.

Going along with this book metaphor I've employed (which hopefully makes some sense), I know there's going to be some sad parts to the story and some parts that are going to make me emotional. But I know that my book will have a happy ending (for lots of reasons, I'm sure) and that I'm definitely not trying to write a tragedy or a drama (I mean, I enjoy laughing a lot, so when I'm not crying, I'm basically laughing all the time. Or doing both at the same time, which is good by me).

I think I brought it full circle, which was really my goal. And, my other secret goal that I will now share anyway, was to procrastinate from my homework. But really, I can't concentrate when I've got all this spewing inside of me.

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive." -Unknown

P.S. I really like this blogging thing. Even if no one reads it. It's a nice outlet for me. Plus my thoughts are usually pretty jumbled, so it's nice to sort through them.

And I'm sorry it was so long. I just have a lot of feelings!

Fail

I fail at blogging. Like, hardcore. I haven't been on this thing in months and I have at least 5 posts that I have sitting in my drafts folder (is that what it's called? A drafts folder? See what I mean, I don't know anything about this!) that I have yet to either finish or edit or both. I don't know why I do it, think I can post something awesome and get all riled up for it and then just stop in the middle. Further, I don't understand why I think I'm going to come back to the drafts and add onto it even though I was talking about it months ago and have probably forgotten about it and have most definitely moved past it. Maybe I'll just post them all so they won't feel so bad, sitting there all alone in that drafts containing device. Well, I guess they're not alone either, since I just said I have 5 that I didn't post. Details, details.

But, then I think, why should I post them? I know with 100% confidence that I'm a seriously changed and different person than when I wrote those other posts. Do I really want to look back at that? It's not like I was posting that I was kicking puppies and taking candy from children and climbing in people's windows, snatching their people up, but still. I'm different now.

But, again, on the flipside (I think that's right. It's a three sided coin from my perspective), it's not always super bad to look back on who I was and realize how awesome it is that I'm where I am now, looking at the leaps and bounds of progress I've made. Maybe I didn't make it evident in the posts I may share, but I'm sure if you read between the lines, you may discover something.

Okay, well, that's it. I mean, I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, but I like to think that someone, somewhere, has a vast amount of knowledge about me because of this blog. And I can't disappoint them.

Even though it's a little creepy.

Wants and Needs

2/7/11

I think wants and needs, though two (nearly) entirely separate things, can have some relationship on occasion. I know that "I want those pair of pants" is fundamentally different from "I need those pair of jeans" but I think that, a lot of the time, the two can be the same. My personal list is as follows.

• I want/need to stop cursing so much. While I know that I need to, or I should, rather, is important, I have to feel the desire to stop as well. As much as I dislike that trait about myself, I know that if I don't feel completely compelled to stop, it will be almost futile to try.
• I want/need to think that I'm beautiful. This is one I seriously need to work on. I know that I would love nothing more than to wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and say, "Wow, I don't need makeup today because I look incredible," and then just go on my merry way. I would probably also get more sleep if I didn't feel the need to get ready every morning, so that's a plus too. But I also need to think I'm beautiful. I haven't heard it a lot in my life until fairly recently, so it's hard to come to grips with it. But up until then, I felt absolutely terrible about myself. I didn't think I was a worthy friend, I didn't think I would ever be loved for who I was inside because of who I was on the outside. Basically, it's a work in progress.
• I want/need to be loved. This one is fairly obvious for the "I want to be loved" part. I mean, who doesn't want to be loved? But then comes the "need" part. It sounds awfully selfish to say I need to be loved. But really, it's not. Is it wrong to need love in your life? Is it wrong to need to feel appreciated and cared for? I mean, it definitely goes both ways as well, but really, what is a life without any love? It doesn't even matter if it's friendship love, parental love, or romantic love. I'll take it all and love it (see what I did there?).
• I want/need to make lasting friendships. Again, this one is fairly obvious, possibly on both counts too. I know I've never mentioned this, but the place where I'm living right now is so absolutely incredible. I love all the girls that live here and how amazing they've been to me and for me. I want nothing more than to be friends with them for a long time. On the flip side though, I want/need to learn how to get rid of those who bring me down and aren't "good for me."
• I want/need to learn how to say no to people.
• I want/need to create a lasting and incredible relationship with God.

4/15/11

Here's one thing that was in my drafts shelf that I mentioned in my last post. It's almost 2 months later and I'm pretty sure that I'm doing awesome on this list to be completely honest. I am definitely doing well on the first one, the second one is getting close, the third one is absolutely manifesting itself in the people around me (and I couldn't be happier. Seriously), and the fourth is going okay. And for the fifth? Definitely doing that. And I'm loving my life with God in it and all he's doing so far to make sure that I do stay close, as I truly do desire. Maybe I do remember what I was doing two months ago better than I thought. Maybe I'll add more to the list later. Maybe I'll delve more into my newfound relationship with God. All in good time.

Me in a Nutshell.

I really like writing. Like, a lot. I'm not so eloquent when I speak (evidenced by my math class when I basically pointed at the board and said whatever was in my mouth at the time), but with writing, I have a backspace button. I can redo whatever I want. I can write something down and then take it back, pretending like it was a joke that no one was meant to hear. I mean, I could have written a billion personal, private secrets about my life before this sentence, but you'll never know. Not that I would anyway; I'm just getting to know you guys! I can't just be spilling intimate details about my life all willy nilly. It would be too much, too soon. We need to build a relationship first. Take the first baby steps toward a healthy relationship. I'll start this out:

Hi, I'm Adrianna. I'm in my second year in college and I'm a math major (wait, a math major? But you just said you like writing?). Yes, I know what I said. But I can like math too. And guess what? All math majors are not complete geniuses/nerds/antisocial freaks. I'm not too socially awkward (but what person is completely well-adjusted?) and I like to shop and read and watch television and cook and eat and hang out with friends and go to school and write. Which I guess brings me back to my first sentence. I need an outlet, a way to write not just numbers, but words. Don't get me wrong, numbers and patterns and functions are beautiful. I just like the English language as well.

Let's see, what else can I say... Ah, well, I think I'm funnier than I probably am, I laugh loud sometimes, I am over-emotional, I stress out when I don't have some semblance of control (especially when it comes to my life), I am very close with my family, I am a big fan of the male population, I love cats (especially mine), and I like to take people's problems upon myself. It's stressful and sometimes it's annoying, but in general, I kind of like it. I don't think I'm particularly sadistic though, so I know when not to involve myself in things.

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully I can remember to write in this, but we'll see.

First Post

Yeah, I don't really know what to put here. It's mostly just me procrastinating from homework.