Oh, Blogs

My dearest blog,

How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? I feel terrible for abandoning you like I did, but my inspiration was at a minimum this summer. I'm not sure if I just got comfortable or if I just got lazy. Either could really work. I believe I should update you on my life happenings for fear of you abandoning me in return.

-I got a job! I added lots of money to a stagnant savings account and now I have some money of my own to spend, rather than calling my parents for money I probably didn't need in the first place for things I didn't really need anyway. But, it feels better to have my own money. I need to become more independent of my family or else I may never want to leave (more on that later).

-I didn't go to church. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I think I turned out okay. I know I still have some issues to work out with this, but it's hard to let them go. My humanity strikes again and I have shown that I am far from perfect. But that's okay. Because, while church is important for fellowship and learning, I know God's been working in my life in extraordinary ways and He's definitely working his way into my heart, more than ever.

-I did keep up with my Bible reading and God worshiping. I think I've proved to myself that God is more than just a fad to me and while I did get "sick of it" for a couple of days, I felt myself longing for the Word after any recess.

-I've realized that I am not cookie cutter nor do I ever want to be (I think this is pretty important). Clearly, elementary school or middle school is not anyone's "prime," but I know I had some sort of lifestyle that was pretty "movie-like," meaning perfect family, perfect grades, perfect everything. I figured I couldn't be defeated. But high school comes along and I found myself trying to figure out where I belonged. Looking back, I think I had started to find it during freshman and sophomore year, but when we moved, I found myself becoming someone I didn't like. I had my grades and (I thought) that was it. I felt out of place, trying to figure out where my lunch table would be, trying to find someone real or some friend I could trust (this was before Jesus met me, mind you). I didn't find anything, so I immersed myself in schoolwork. Man, was I proud of my grades! All A's, except for one B in Spanish (which, by that point, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter [though it was quite hard]). But what was I left with? Anger toward my family for making me move. Emptiness inside for feeling like I missed out on something. Sadness for missing my old friends, my old life. Longing for something that could have been. Wanting something better. Not wanting to go for anything. Fearing failure. Fearing rejection. It all seemed to come down to fear. But then I left that high school life behind. Even so, now, in college, having met some really incredible people, I was still sort of unsatisfied. Not what you were expecting, right? Me either. I was expecting that college would either be more of the same or something completely different. I think I got the latter part down, but it was not the different I was expecting. I'm not magically popular, I'm not invited to the hottest sorority parties, I don't have any boyfriend (serious or not), I don't party all the time, I'm not getting straight A's anymore, I'm not feeling super loved, the list goes on. But, you know what? It doesn't even matter. I've never been average. I am of above average intelligence, I have above average emotions, I care for people in an above average way, I listen better than most, I even love better than many. So why am I trying to be something so average? Why am I not letting myself push all the "average-ness" away? Believe me, the Spirit has been helping me (read: doing it for me) realize these things, but, again, it's so hard to let things go. When things have defined you for so long, it's hard to let something infinitely more important take over, free of charge. It's crazy. So, instead of trying to be average, I want to be above average. For crying out loud, the whole entire Bible is about people living above and beyond what people expect of them or what they even expect of themselves! So, yeah, this is my declaration (?) to live not in the mold. Hopefully I can hold true to that.

-I'm letting my friends define my life now. Sounds weird too, right? I've heard that you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. And I thought, well, heck, that's pretty decent, I like those five people quite a lot. But, literally, just tonight, I've realized that instead of averaging my friends, they are sort of averaging me. I'm becoming who these five people want me to be. I'm trying to become a perfect friend. It's not healthy.

So, blog, that's my summer. I felt like my apologies would just be empty words, so I was glad to give you an explanation. Hopefully that helped and I will try to pay more attention to you now. Hopefully I can write about how my previous "problems" got all better and this will be a story of redemption, instead of just rejecting you, my dear friend. So have a good time reading this and I will be back to post more!

Love always,

Adrianna