Emotions Taking Me Over

Just in case you don't really know me, I have lots of emotions. You're probably thinking, "That's silly, everyone has emotions." Yeah, okay, that's fair, but I don't think you understand. I wear them on my sleeve nearly 100% of the time. Well, okay, that may actually be a lie. I really only have one emotion: crying. Which, yes, isn't an emotion, but I pretty much cry at everything:

• Movies that are happy.
• Movies that are sad.
• Any movie, really.
• Songs that remind me of people.
• Songs that make me happy.
• Songs that are super applicable to my life.
• Church - it's actually weird if I don't get teary eyed, so it's almost an expectation. I'm 4/4 so far. So that's good. But maybe not. (I was going to write out four for four, but that looks silly. I should have saved this for when I've been to this church five times)
• My Bible study.
• People that talk about Jesus with me (but I've gotten better. Sort of).
• When I think about people I love.
• When I think about my future.
• Sad animal commercials (you know, those ASPCA commercials? Dreadful).

You see that list up there, right? I mean, look how many things are up there. And I cry for every single one. If I feel something, anything really, I cry. You're probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, do you ever not cry?" To that I say: no, not really, actually. It's pretty much an every day occurrence. And I'm not even afraid to show it anymore. Just call me shameless, I suppose. But seriously, I'm a classic case of chronic crier (side note: did you see that alliteration there? I'm impressed with myself. Didn't even have to try for that one). Sometimes they're sad, upset, "the world is ending" cries. Sometimes they're emotionally charged, crazy stressed types of crying. Sometimes I just like to cry to get anything out. And sometimes they're what I like to call "good cries," where I reflect on my life and realize where I've been and how far I've come and how truly blessed I am and how wonderful everything is and how much I don't want it to change. And then it just turns into one of the first two cases. Sometimes the third too.

Basically, you could just stick a fork in me whenever anything even slightly emotional comes up. I'm just done.

Like today, I cried a couple of times and I was definitely on the verge of tears for a lot of the latter part of the day. Actually, for most of the day. First off, it was Sunday, and that's my newly rediscovered church day (that makes sense, yes?), so clearly, I have no choice but to cry there. And then I spent some time outside and read my Bible for some time (which is, again, a new thing for me that I'm rather enjoying), which made me cry. And then I listened to some music I recently obtained and I teared up (I didn't cry only because my roommate was in the room and I don't want her to think I'm stranger than I already am). And then, oh goodness, I completely fell apart at my second to last residence hall meeting. See, during it we give out awards to people for being supportive or friendly or just super awesome, and I teared up and I couldn't give out the ones that I wanted to and I felt really guilty because I was getting some and I didn't want to have them think I was ungrateful. But why didn't I do this, you ask?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE CRIED.

Shocker.

I guess I do have some shame, but I was tearing up enough and I didn't feel like losing it in front of people that I may never see again after this year (which is pretty upsetting, actually). Maybe it's that change thing I mentioned above. I've met some absolutely incredible people living here this semester (there's probably five or six that I'm thinking of in particular; maybe I'll talk about them in a different post, we shall see) and I love all that this hall is and how much time a lot of people invest in making sure it's superb and the thought that in just a month or so it will all be over and different is heartbreaking. I mean, if you thought I was joking about the crying thing, I'm definitely tearing up right now. I'm seriously in love with living here and all the amazing friends I've made and I have to come to the realization that it's not going to be the same.

But then, simultaneously, I have to remember and remind myself that everything is going to be fine. I don't plan on letting these people out of my life so easily and I'm going to do everything in my power to remember that there is room in my heart for more people to make their homes and that just because one amazing chapter is over, it doesn't mean the book is over and that there aren't any other equally amazing (or, dare I say it, better) chapters left. I may not have closed the last book I was in (especially from last year) and I still have to cross reference from it every once in a while, but from my perspective, I've just started this new book. And I am in no hurry to put it down.

Going along with this book metaphor I've employed (which hopefully makes some sense), I know there's going to be some sad parts to the story and some parts that are going to make me emotional. But I know that my book will have a happy ending (for lots of reasons, I'm sure) and that I'm definitely not trying to write a tragedy or a drama (I mean, I enjoy laughing a lot, so when I'm not crying, I'm basically laughing all the time. Or doing both at the same time, which is good by me).

I think I brought it full circle, which was really my goal. And, my other secret goal that I will now share anyway, was to procrastinate from my homework. But really, I can't concentrate when I've got all this spewing inside of me.

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive." -Unknown

P.S. I really like this blogging thing. Even if no one reads it. It's a nice outlet for me. Plus my thoughts are usually pretty jumbled, so it's nice to sort through them.

And I'm sorry it was so long. I just have a lot of feelings!