Things That Have Been Stressing Me Out Lately

I don't really have an introduction to this, so I'm just going to go.

• Friendships. When I get really comfortable, I think I start to (super unconsciously) test them to see their reactions. Bad, I know. :[
  
  
• Relationships in general, actually. (I tried to tell my mother about how worried I was about these friend/relationships and she didn't really give me any helpful advice except to "stop worrying." Helpful.)
  
  
• Schoolwork and grades and my newfound apathy for them.
  
  
• My past self being exposed and it (sort of) coming back to mock me.
  
  
• The fear that my past self is going to reappear in my life (meaning I'm going to start living and thinking that way again. I almost feel like I'm right on the edge with this stuff.)
  
  
• The fact that I'm very moody recently and how it seems that I will be missing out on the fun stuff with people I may not see again.
  
  
• On that, I don't like how mean or rude or inconsiderate I seem to be. I feel not nice and I wonder if I'm trying to distance myself at all and I want to keep these relationships for as long as possible, but it's hard if I just think they won't be around as much next semester.
  
  
• How I'm going to cope with living with my new life and my parents when I go home. I'm actually quite terrified of this, even though I know I've got to put on the armor of God and all that jazz (Ephesians 6:10-20).
  
  
• Calling myself a Christian. I don't know if it's a weird word to me (it sounds strange? I don't really know) or if I'm scared of what implies it or what my deal is, but I'm still trying to get used to being one. It's a process and it's difficult.
  
  
• (Warning: this is kind of a rant of sorts. And that was quite redundant) My relationship with God and me wondering and doubting and questioning and being confused and feeling like I'm doing this all in vain when I know it's not true at all. I've never felt more at peace than I do now, but it's so hard to want to become the Christian I know I can become and the Christian I am now. I have such a long way to go (but I suppose everyone does) and a hard road ahead and I think I'm doing well enough so far, but I feel like I could do so much more and I want to do so much more. There's more to life than grades and homework and getting a college degree (which seems rather selfish to me, but maybe that's for later) and I know I could do more with my degree once I'm out, but sometimes I feel like I could do a heck of a lot more with my life if I wasn't here. I just want to live for God and live His will out, all the time. What if I'm not doing that? I'm so willing and ready (most of the time, anyway) to please Him and I feel like I'm failing; I know I'm failing because I'm human and I often wonder if I am doing what He wants me to do, but I want to feel like I fail less. I want to do what God calls me to do and, right now, I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not doing anything to live out His plan for me (a disclaimer: I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't come to college and I didn't make the friends I did, so this whole college thing is not all in vain, believe me). However, I realized it's kind of silly to "please" God (mostly in the sense that I'm thinking of the word) because there's really nothing I can do that will make Him the happiest he's ever been; He really doesn't need me to do anything for him, after all. I can do things that are pleasing to God though, but maybe I'm not doing that either (maybe there's really no difference between "please" and "pleasing" though and I'm a little backward). I'm pretty sure I'm meant to help people but I feel like I'm not. I don't want "I'm still a baby Christian and I don't know enough" to become an excuse for my inactivity but I truly do feel like that's where I'm at. I do what I can but I'm still not so confident in sharing my beliefs and sort of being "persecuted" for them too. I don't know if that confidence in my faith will come with time or what, but I just don't know if I'm ready or when I will be. Also, another current realization: I don't really know why I haven't prayed a lot about this. Why I haven't just stopped writing and started talking to God. Probably because I had to get out all my thoughts first, sort through them. I still have a mind, a really wonderful, God created (and becoming more God centered) mind that is capable of understanding, so I really want to get to the root of my problems by writing them out instead of getting distracted when I silently pray, as is what usually seems to happen. I guess this is sort of like my written prayer. And it was super personal.
  
  
• Knowing that I do have a really long walk in my Christian walk also stresses me out a little, but then I try to remember that I'm not meant to be perfect and that I'm not going to know everything and that's the beauty of this all; learning more, growing closer to God, gaining that relationship. Every relationship takes work and I need to remember that this is no different. I'm just on a little bit of a different playing field when it comes to God because He's kind of sort of perfect and all powerful and mighty (read: He is all of those things).
  
  
• I'm also sort of concerned that I'm trying to incorporate God into too much of my life. But then I realize that's silly and that's pretty much how it should be, but then I think about how I don't want to lose touch with reality and become so narrow minded that it's harmful to me and the people and things around me. It's a fine line, I think, and I'm trying to navigate it as best as possible. Though I'm not really sure how it's working so far.
  
  
• This isn't a stress, but I thought I needed to clarify a few things. I'm not actually really stressed about my relationship with God, at least, not in the "normal" sense of the word. I'm just trying to learn as much as possible and question and make sure that my beliefs are well grounded (or starting off well grounded anyway). As ironic or odd as it may sound, I don't want to go into this blindly, without some sense of what I'm following. I think that blind faith (in this aspect anyway) can be bad. I feel like I've contradicted myself at least three times, but I can't really be sure. I really hope that all made sense. Basically, it boils down to this: I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT JESUS! Is that so hard to ask?
  
  
• Not another stress, but I figured I'll just stick with the list thing. I sound really selfish in this whole thing. Like I'm the one that's doing all of this, like I'm the one who's changing myself and working on fixing all my problems. It's not about me. I've got something to do with this, but, really, it's God that's doing this and it's really awesome, actually. I've got to remember to keep going back to God and stop this "me, me, me" attitude. It's frustrating to me and it's what I originally didn't like about my old life; I always felt so alone and that I was doing everything on my own. But now, I've got to remember I've got this really cool God that's on my side now and that He's pretty much waiting for me to call out to him for help. We're created to want this relationship with God, to bridge the separation between He and I. And that's pretty beautiful.
  

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm sure there's more things I could talk about, but these are really the big ones. It's hard, especially since I've got finals and packing and moving out, all of which are pretty much happening in a couple of days. It's fun to have all of this going on at once (that was sarcasm). But if there's anything I got from my own postings and musings and ravings, is that I'm not alone and that God is always there. I should find a mantra about that.

This was super indulgent too and I do feel a little arrogant for talking about myself so much. Oops.