Oh, Blogs

My dearest blog,

How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? I feel terrible for abandoning you like I did, but my inspiration was at a minimum this summer. I'm not sure if I just got comfortable or if I just got lazy. Either could really work. I believe I should update you on my life happenings for fear of you abandoning me in return.

-I got a job! I added lots of money to a stagnant savings account and now I have some money of my own to spend, rather than calling my parents for money I probably didn't need in the first place for things I didn't really need anyway. But, it feels better to have my own money. I need to become more independent of my family or else I may never want to leave (more on that later).

-I didn't go to church. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I think I turned out okay. I know I still have some issues to work out with this, but it's hard to let them go. My humanity strikes again and I have shown that I am far from perfect. But that's okay. Because, while church is important for fellowship and learning, I know God's been working in my life in extraordinary ways and He's definitely working his way into my heart, more than ever.

-I did keep up with my Bible reading and God worshiping. I think I've proved to myself that God is more than just a fad to me and while I did get "sick of it" for a couple of days, I felt myself longing for the Word after any recess.

-I've realized that I am not cookie cutter nor do I ever want to be (I think this is pretty important). Clearly, elementary school or middle school is not anyone's "prime," but I know I had some sort of lifestyle that was pretty "movie-like," meaning perfect family, perfect grades, perfect everything. I figured I couldn't be defeated. But high school comes along and I found myself trying to figure out where I belonged. Looking back, I think I had started to find it during freshman and sophomore year, but when we moved, I found myself becoming someone I didn't like. I had my grades and (I thought) that was it. I felt out of place, trying to figure out where my lunch table would be, trying to find someone real or some friend I could trust (this was before Jesus met me, mind you). I didn't find anything, so I immersed myself in schoolwork. Man, was I proud of my grades! All A's, except for one B in Spanish (which, by that point, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter [though it was quite hard]). But what was I left with? Anger toward my family for making me move. Emptiness inside for feeling like I missed out on something. Sadness for missing my old friends, my old life. Longing for something that could have been. Wanting something better. Not wanting to go for anything. Fearing failure. Fearing rejection. It all seemed to come down to fear. But then I left that high school life behind. Even so, now, in college, having met some really incredible people, I was still sort of unsatisfied. Not what you were expecting, right? Me either. I was expecting that college would either be more of the same or something completely different. I think I got the latter part down, but it was not the different I was expecting. I'm not magically popular, I'm not invited to the hottest sorority parties, I don't have any boyfriend (serious or not), I don't party all the time, I'm not getting straight A's anymore, I'm not feeling super loved, the list goes on. But, you know what? It doesn't even matter. I've never been average. I am of above average intelligence, I have above average emotions, I care for people in an above average way, I listen better than most, I even love better than many. So why am I trying to be something so average? Why am I not letting myself push all the "average-ness" away? Believe me, the Spirit has been helping me (read: doing it for me) realize these things, but, again, it's so hard to let things go. When things have defined you for so long, it's hard to let something infinitely more important take over, free of charge. It's crazy. So, instead of trying to be average, I want to be above average. For crying out loud, the whole entire Bible is about people living above and beyond what people expect of them or what they even expect of themselves! So, yeah, this is my declaration (?) to live not in the mold. Hopefully I can hold true to that.

-I'm letting my friends define my life now. Sounds weird too, right? I've heard that you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. And I thought, well, heck, that's pretty decent, I like those five people quite a lot. But, literally, just tonight, I've realized that instead of averaging my friends, they are sort of averaging me. I'm becoming who these five people want me to be. I'm trying to become a perfect friend. It's not healthy.

So, blog, that's my summer. I felt like my apologies would just be empty words, so I was glad to give you an explanation. Hopefully that helped and I will try to pay more attention to you now. Hopefully I can write about how my previous "problems" got all better and this will be a story of redemption, instead of just rejecting you, my dear friend. So have a good time reading this and I will be back to post more!

Love always,

Adrianna

100+ Things

I was recently on StumbleUpon, wasting time (as usual) when it brought me to a site where they talked about making a list of 100 things. It could be anything, really. 100 Things to Cook. 100 Ways to Tell Someone You Love Them. 100 Things to Wear. 100 Things to Remember. 100 Ways to Get Through Anything. It really didn't matter what the list was about, as long as it was 100 things. (I suggest you read the website first, maybe you'll understand better what I'm talking about and explain questions you may have: http://litemind.com/tackle-any-issue-with-a-list-of-100/ ) So I figured, what the heck, I might try this. I did one list that my mind immediately jumped to and it was... helpful. I realized a lot of things as I wrote it and dug really deep into my reasons for wanting to make that list. It's going to remain private for now, but maybe I'll share it with you later; heck, maybe I'll make a list of 100 Reasons to Share a Private, Personal List. Well, maybe not.

At any rate, I did a second one just today and I started crying. Like, full on tears streaming down my face, upset, almost loudly sobbing kind of cry. It was really refreshing for me. It showed me a lot of patterns to my thinking and helped me really sort things out in my mind. I absolutely loved it. I'm not entirely sure how my list will be applicable in the future and I'm sure it will change as I grow older, adding things and subtracting things necessarily, but as of right now, this list is everything about me. I even bolded the ones that made me cry particularly hard or ones that I think are super important to me right now. I'm sure I forgot some things and I'm sure some things are kind of silly, but they're thoughts I had right now, and they're important to me. I can't even tell you enough how superbly fantastic these lists are. So here's mine, in no specific order, no rhyme or reason to it. It's kind of sparse, rather vague, and probably not worth all this fanfare I'm putting it through. But it's not my list that's important, but the idea behind it. And I love it.

100 Things I Want To Do In My Life

1. Get married
2. Have a family
3. Travel!
4. Be a true, completely committed follower of Jesus
5. Be smart/intelligent
6. Love people
7. Do things that I love
8. Have at least one boy and one girl as children (preferably)
9. Find my soul mate
10. Become comfortable with who I am
11. Love my life
12. Be a bold witness to Christ
13. Read the entire Bible and understand and appreciate it (these definitely go hand in hand)
14. Stay friends with the people I met at A-tech (there’s probably, like, two or three that are on the definite list)
15. Stay friends with those girls I met in Campbell (probably about six or so, as of right now anyway)
16. Make more amazing friends
17. Be supportive
18. Visit Japan
19. Learn an Asian language
20. Go to China
21. Heck, go to a lot of Asian countries
22. Go to Europe
23. Not ever worry about money
24. Visit England
25. Help people in need
26. Love people in need
27. Donate money to those who really need it
28. Not be like my parents (especially in the bad aspects)
29. Don’t be an angry person
30. Learn to love my qualities
31. Be secure with who I am
32. Okay, visit the UK in general
33. Retire well enough (this is a long way off, so I don’t know what this looks like)
34. Love people more than things
35. Have a compost pile
36. Live wherever makes me happy
37. Go to church often
38. Adopt kitties from the animal shelter!
39. Write a book
40. Be involved in a church
41. Work at a homeless shelter
42. Trust people
43. See the good in everyone
44. Love my family
45. Not worry about possessions
46. Visit Australia
47. Go to India
48. Feel comfortable in a bathing suit again
49. Be able to wear shorts without worrying about my knees
50. Fix my knees
51. Exercise more
52. Eat well
53. Eat good food
54. Live in a big-ish city
55. Be happy wherever I live
56. Smell good all the time
57. Stay organized
58. Never fail to see the beauty around me
59. Find someone who knows me and still loves me for it
60. Visit clear beaches
61. Appreciate any current circumstances
62. Praise God for my circumstances
63. Take care of myself
64. Take care of others
65. Don’t be so self-centered
66. Forget about my past pain
67. Learn from my past pain
68. Don’t let my past pain keep me back from anything
69. Be proud of who I am
70. Have confidence in me
71. Know that it’s not me that I'm living for
72. Die to myself everyday
73. Always be willing to change
74. Always remember my family and my roots (this is a tough one)
75. Always be willing to help others, no matter what
76. Don’t stress
77. Rely on God for everything
78. Be happy
79. Always go on family vacations to new places
80. Always be willing to do new things
81. Change the world… somehow
82. Learn when to be frugal and when not to be
83. Be inspirational
84. Respect everything (basically everything)
85. Question everything
86. Always be curious
87. Don’t be afraid of living life
88. Have fun
89. Don’t worry about the little things
90. Know that I am forgiven, beloved, righteous, holy, reborn, remade, accepted, and worthy
91. Visit New York City
92. Live near to the beach (preferably in California)
93. Develop lasting relationships with wonderful people
94. Never forget Las Vegas
95. Always think of good memories
96. Have hope in my future
97. Don’t hold grudges
98. Feel loved, always
99. Do my best at all times
100. Don’t dive too deep into my head all the time
101. Be social
102. Always be ME

All of these things, to me, mean that I will have a successful, rich, amazing life. (And yes, I know there's 102, but it's my list, I can do what I want with it!)

Awesome Day, Period.

So yesterday, Thursday, my mother had some surgery done and then something happened with a friend on Wednesday night that had me down in the dumps (side note: my mother is doing just fine and it's nothing to worry about at all and my friend thing is okay). So, naturally, Thursday wasn't a spectacular day when it comes to defining "good days" but it wasn't anything to write home about. I did lean on the Lord more for both situations and I was glad that He was able to calm me and watch out for me. So I figured Friday may not be so spectacular either since my mom would be coming home from the hospital (meaning I would have to help take care of her, which wouldn't be a barrel of monkeys, but I would do it without complaints) and I still didn't know what to do about my friend.

But oh my goodness, I was proven completely wrong.

So my mom came home, and it was good to have her back. I'm so glad she's okay and she's doing really well considering the fact that she had surgery, so that was super uplifting. It was a routine surgery, but I'm so so so happy that she's doing awesome.

And then a friend texted me and made me smile while I was waiting for my mother and father to come back from the hospital. It was little, but it was a good sign (or something like that) and I was so glad for her and her friendship.

And then one of my friends that I've had for eight years (I told her "that's like forever!") and I were texting today and I got an update of her life. I haven't seen her since winter break 2011, so it was really awesome to hear about her! She's going to South Africa, and doing research, and we told each other that we would have to be friends until we're old and it was superb. I love when that happens, so I was super stoked already.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! And then, one of my friends that I haven't talked to in probably nine months or something and I talked for an hour, catching up and telling each other how glad we were to be talking and how much we missed each other. It was completely fabulous! Oh my gosh, I loved it so much! It was super easy to get back into the swing of things and have such a natural conversation without worrying about all the little details of each other's lives in the past months and just enjoy talking to each other and well wishing each other for the summer.

How cool is that? I am so blessed with such amazing friends (I love you three [well, four, with my mother] that I was thinking of while writing this post... and all of my other friends too!)and am so happy with my life, not just now because all of this happened, but everything that's been going on since probably around January or so (but for reals, legit joyful around the middle of March). My gosh, I would like to say that it was all me and all that I've done to make my life so amazing. But it wasn't me who texted my friends today. It wasn't me who made the initial phone call to my friend. But in retrospect, I don't really care who contacted who because I truly do think that the Lord saw my need of friendship in my life at this moment and completely caused it. It was so awesome and I'm so thankful. I mean, one friend I could expect to talk to and another didn't really surprise me a whole lot, but the one I haven't talked to in such a long time? That's crazy! And all in one day! I can't even describe how completely happy I am about this!

Maybe I'm attributing this to God in the "wrong" sort of way, but I just feel so blessed overall since I started walking closer to Jesus and I've fallen completely in love with learning about Him and making sure my relationship with Him is developing and with Him in general. I'm pursuing a stronger and more intense relationship with Him, slowly but surely, and He is relentlessly pursuing me and I'm completely seeing this by how He loves me through others. How can I feel okay with letting Him down or sinning or not denying myself when He does stuff like this? My gosh, it's remarkable, how He loves. I'm still struggling with the idea that He's sort of an untouchable God, much like the leaders of my childhood church, but that wall is also being broken down. I'm just in awe of how He loves and of Him and all that He's done and will do. And not because I deserve it or earned it or because He needs me. But because He wants to. He wants me. And I need Him.

I feel like this post was sort of jumbled and that I bounced from one idea to the next but it makes sense to me. And I needed to just express all these great thoughts going through my head and all these great realizations and comprehensions (that may not be a word, but it fits) that have been given to me. And that's good enough for me. :)

A Prayer for my Family?

Here's something I sort of typed out after I've reflected on the day. To put it simply, I wasn't the best daughter in the world today. But I've been having a lot of days like that, especially when I come home and feel like I'm stuck with them here, feeling like there's no escape from all that they do. It's not a good place to be. So here we are, my cry for help, my prayer for my family. And probably for me too. Because the Lord knows I need all the help I can get when it comes to this.

But then again, so does everyone... my family included.

I don’t know how I can show love to my parents.

They’re supposed to be the ones that are guiding me, they’re supposed to be leading me, they’re supposed to be strong and teach me how to be a good person. Now I have to do that? I can't even begin to describe how stressful that sounds. It sounds like I'm supposed to be the parent and they’re supposed to be the child. I'm supposed to lead them to the cross and teach them how wonderful God is.

Yikes.

How am I supposed to teach all that I’ve learned to my prideful father, to the one who thinks he’s never wrong and always tries to be perfect, though he fails like the rest of the world? Or to my brother, who has a lot of arrogance, who has completely checked out from God and is lost in the world, trying to find out where he belongs and finding his identity in his academic abilities; I know because I was there. And my mother, who has this stigma of how angry her non-Catholic brother is at the rest of the world, to those who aren’t of his religion, and doesn’t show God’s love in the way that it was meant to be, and feels as though Catholicism is the right way, the non-shallow way, the best way. Instead, her and her brother get angry at each other, failing to see that there are truths in both of what they believe but their pride in their religion and their stubbornness to see the truths gets in the way of everything productive. All this pride (though I'm not perfect myself, I know)! And that’s just a few things; there are more issues and things the deeper we dig.

No wonder I'm scared to talk to all of them.

I’ll feel defeated and I won't know what to do after that. What if our relationship is changed for the worse after that? Then what am I supposed to do? What if they treat me like they all treat my mother’s brother right now? I don’t want to be an outcast in my own family. They are supposed to love me and care for me and provide for me; I can't handle being shut out like that.

I know I'm just supposed to love them, but it’s hard when they irritate you or frustrate you or when you’re holding onto a grudge like I am that still affects everything that I do. I know I don’t love them like I should, every single one of them. I know I could do so much better, but my anger and frustrations block that out and I get hazy and confused about how I'm supposed to be honoring them and obeying them and loving them. It’s easier on some days because they don’t do anything to upset me, but that is completely not right at all. My love for them should be unconditional; they’re my family, after all. Is that wrong to believe that I'm going to love and appreciate them no matter what they do? I'm supposed to love like Christ loves everyone, regardless of what they all do. He died when we were all sinners because he loved us, loved me, loved my entire family. But God, it’s so hard. I'm only human and I'm not perfect. It’s not meant to be an excuse, but a plea, a cry for help. Please Lord, help me to love them, help me to look past their imperfections and their sins to reach out to them, to appreciate them no matter what they do, to speak words of praise and not of criticism, to love them like Christ loves them. I have to remember that you’re the only one that can help me in this, I have to find my strength in you, I have to meditate on your word and realize that I’ve been given this incredible gift of being born again and blessed and I have to share it with them. It’s my God-given duty to pass it on, to share what I believe. It’s not meant to just be for me, it’s meant for everyone. It’s meant for my prideful father, my confused brother, my hurt mother. And now that I have it, as crazy difficult that it’s going to be, I have to show them that I am a changed person and that they can be changed too. I have to show them that God is amazing, that He loves them, that He sent His only Son to die for them, just for them, and that He’s always watching and God is never going to leave their side no matter what they do and what happens. Because, unlike my love, His is completely and utterly unconditional and He wants to call them all home. He wants nothing more than for my family to call Him Lord of their lives, for them to be slaves to Him, to love others like He loves. I want the best for them, and I do love them, but God loves them infinitely more than I do, then I ever can, and God wants all good things for them. I can’t worry about how they’ll perceive it, about how they’ll react, about what will happen after. God will take care of all of that. If I do it with loving words in a caring, compassionate, sincere voice, I’ve done my part. I can’t even worry if I'm going to get that far yet.

But in order for them to get any of that, it may just take me stepping up and (though it may not be sharing everything right away) just loving them like Jesus loves them. No matter what I tell them, no matter if I get to it or not, I have to love them.

Things That Have Been Stressing Me Out Lately

I don't really have an introduction to this, so I'm just going to go.

• Friendships. When I get really comfortable, I think I start to (super unconsciously) test them to see their reactions. Bad, I know. :[
  
  
• Relationships in general, actually. (I tried to tell my mother about how worried I was about these friend/relationships and she didn't really give me any helpful advice except to "stop worrying." Helpful.)
  
  
• Schoolwork and grades and my newfound apathy for them.
  
  
• My past self being exposed and it (sort of) coming back to mock me.
  
  
• The fear that my past self is going to reappear in my life (meaning I'm going to start living and thinking that way again. I almost feel like I'm right on the edge with this stuff.)
  
  
• The fact that I'm very moody recently and how it seems that I will be missing out on the fun stuff with people I may not see again.
  
  
• On that, I don't like how mean or rude or inconsiderate I seem to be. I feel not nice and I wonder if I'm trying to distance myself at all and I want to keep these relationships for as long as possible, but it's hard if I just think they won't be around as much next semester.
  
  
• How I'm going to cope with living with my new life and my parents when I go home. I'm actually quite terrified of this, even though I know I've got to put on the armor of God and all that jazz (Ephesians 6:10-20).
  
  
• Calling myself a Christian. I don't know if it's a weird word to me (it sounds strange? I don't really know) or if I'm scared of what implies it or what my deal is, but I'm still trying to get used to being one. It's a process and it's difficult.
  
  
• (Warning: this is kind of a rant of sorts. And that was quite redundant) My relationship with God and me wondering and doubting and questioning and being confused and feeling like I'm doing this all in vain when I know it's not true at all. I've never felt more at peace than I do now, but it's so hard to want to become the Christian I know I can become and the Christian I am now. I have such a long way to go (but I suppose everyone does) and a hard road ahead and I think I'm doing well enough so far, but I feel like I could do so much more and I want to do so much more. There's more to life than grades and homework and getting a college degree (which seems rather selfish to me, but maybe that's for later) and I know I could do more with my degree once I'm out, but sometimes I feel like I could do a heck of a lot more with my life if I wasn't here. I just want to live for God and live His will out, all the time. What if I'm not doing that? I'm so willing and ready (most of the time, anyway) to please Him and I feel like I'm failing; I know I'm failing because I'm human and I often wonder if I am doing what He wants me to do, but I want to feel like I fail less. I want to do what God calls me to do and, right now, I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not doing anything to live out His plan for me (a disclaimer: I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't come to college and I didn't make the friends I did, so this whole college thing is not all in vain, believe me). However, I realized it's kind of silly to "please" God (mostly in the sense that I'm thinking of the word) because there's really nothing I can do that will make Him the happiest he's ever been; He really doesn't need me to do anything for him, after all. I can do things that are pleasing to God though, but maybe I'm not doing that either (maybe there's really no difference between "please" and "pleasing" though and I'm a little backward). I'm pretty sure I'm meant to help people but I feel like I'm not. I don't want "I'm still a baby Christian and I don't know enough" to become an excuse for my inactivity but I truly do feel like that's where I'm at. I do what I can but I'm still not so confident in sharing my beliefs and sort of being "persecuted" for them too. I don't know if that confidence in my faith will come with time or what, but I just don't know if I'm ready or when I will be. Also, another current realization: I don't really know why I haven't prayed a lot about this. Why I haven't just stopped writing and started talking to God. Probably because I had to get out all my thoughts first, sort through them. I still have a mind, a really wonderful, God created (and becoming more God centered) mind that is capable of understanding, so I really want to get to the root of my problems by writing them out instead of getting distracted when I silently pray, as is what usually seems to happen. I guess this is sort of like my written prayer. And it was super personal.
  
  
• Knowing that I do have a really long walk in my Christian walk also stresses me out a little, but then I try to remember that I'm not meant to be perfect and that I'm not going to know everything and that's the beauty of this all; learning more, growing closer to God, gaining that relationship. Every relationship takes work and I need to remember that this is no different. I'm just on a little bit of a different playing field when it comes to God because He's kind of sort of perfect and all powerful and mighty (read: He is all of those things).
  
  
• I'm also sort of concerned that I'm trying to incorporate God into too much of my life. But then I realize that's silly and that's pretty much how it should be, but then I think about how I don't want to lose touch with reality and become so narrow minded that it's harmful to me and the people and things around me. It's a fine line, I think, and I'm trying to navigate it as best as possible. Though I'm not really sure how it's working so far.
  
  
• This isn't a stress, but I thought I needed to clarify a few things. I'm not actually really stressed about my relationship with God, at least, not in the "normal" sense of the word. I'm just trying to learn as much as possible and question and make sure that my beliefs are well grounded (or starting off well grounded anyway). As ironic or odd as it may sound, I don't want to go into this blindly, without some sense of what I'm following. I think that blind faith (in this aspect anyway) can be bad. I feel like I've contradicted myself at least three times, but I can't really be sure. I really hope that all made sense. Basically, it boils down to this: I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT JESUS! Is that so hard to ask?
  
  
• Not another stress, but I figured I'll just stick with the list thing. I sound really selfish in this whole thing. Like I'm the one that's doing all of this, like I'm the one who's changing myself and working on fixing all my problems. It's not about me. I've got something to do with this, but, really, it's God that's doing this and it's really awesome, actually. I've got to remember to keep going back to God and stop this "me, me, me" attitude. It's frustrating to me and it's what I originally didn't like about my old life; I always felt so alone and that I was doing everything on my own. But now, I've got to remember I've got this really cool God that's on my side now and that He's pretty much waiting for me to call out to him for help. We're created to want this relationship with God, to bridge the separation between He and I. And that's pretty beautiful.
  

Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm sure there's more things I could talk about, but these are really the big ones. It's hard, especially since I've got finals and packing and moving out, all of which are pretty much happening in a couple of days. It's fun to have all of this going on at once (that was sarcasm). But if there's anything I got from my own postings and musings and ravings, is that I'm not alone and that God is always there. I should find a mantra about that.

This was super indulgent too and I do feel a little arrogant for talking about myself so much. Oops.

10 things? Sort of.

So I figured I would just put this in because it intrigued me and I felt the need to post something. I have other drafts in my little draft storage unit, so maybe those will come later. But for now, you have this.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People (but don't say their name):

1. You stress my life out and I'm slowly discovering that I'm feeling guilty for being your friend. I wonder if our friendship is based on good things or if it’s just based on jealousy and compliments (probably the latter). I love you and I don’t want to give up our friendship, but it’s getting a little ridiculous. And how is it that after I’ve shared all of these things with you and after a long conversation about all that I believe is causing wrong in our friendship, I still feel like nothing was said on my part and I still feel frustrated.

2. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. You are such an inspiration for me to be a better person and I'm so appreciative that you haven’t given up on me because I'm kind of an oddball sometimes. You have become one of my closest friends in the world and I know it’s for the right reasons. You are awesome and I love you. Period.

3. You are super awesome and so strong willed. You are not afraid to say what needs to be said and are super gutsy. You’ve taught me how to be really strong and how to not care what other people think as much. Even with all of that, you are still definitely a woman and I love that balance you have. It’s awesome. Plus, you’re ridiculous and funny!

4. There’s a couple of things that you talk about a little too much for my taste, but otherwise, you’re pretty freaking hilarious and I love talking to you and having bash fests whenever possible. You rock and I'm so glad to be your friend (not that I'm not glad for some of these other friendships haha).

5. You’re kind of full of yourself and you like to talk about boys A LOT, but you’re still pretty awesome. I really like how our friendship is developing though and I can’t wait to see what the future holds. :]

6. You are gross and disgusting and messy like no one I’ve ever met. I know you’re very socially awkward, but when I invite you to things, I mean it and I would like for you to get out of your shell for a while. I'm trying to help in the ways I know how. I think I was in your spot too and I know it gets better so let it! Open yourself up to new things and don’t just sit in your room all day, on your computer, while the world passes you by! I know, I’ve been there!

7. Thank you for all that you did for me freshman year. You are so wonderful and I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re still friends and I'm soooo thankful for that! You are too funny and super fantastic and I love where we’ve come in our friendship now! You rock, lady!

8. I'm not really sure why I spend time with you still. You’re kind of funny but mostly you’re just mean and hurtful, and I'm pretty sure you do it with a purpose. I feel personally attacked when I talk to you. You made me feel like I was worth next to nothing and I'm trying so hard to forget that you undermined my intelligence. In my quest to surround myself with truly good people, you are not part of that right now nor do I ever want you to be.

9. You’re very mean to me and I don’t appreciate it. I feel personally attacked by you too and I really don’t know how I put up with you. You’re okay some nights, but it’s very contingent on what I do. I wish I didn’t have to see you and that I didn’t have to deal with you and I would really enjoy it if you were not a part of my life.

10. You’ve hurt me a lot in the past and I'm not sure how I can forgive you. There’s a lot that’s finally coming to the surface but I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable talking to you about any of this. I don’t know how faithful you are and I don’t know if your intentions in the right place. I try to respect you but it’s hard to do so when I feel like you don’t respect others. I’ve gotten a lot of bad habits from you and I don’t appreciate it. I love you but that doesn’t mean I have to like you all the time.

nine things about myself
1. New Jesus Lover

2. I'm a math major but I don’t want to do anything with it (as of right now)

3. I'm a quarter Japanese

4. How “bad” my life was before and how stressed out with everything I was, it’s only gotten that much better.

5. I'm discovering that I am not alone and it’s awesome.

6. I love having friends I can count on and people I can trust. It’s new for me so I'm still learning.

7. I love listening to people’s problems and helping them figure out life. I sort of expect the same thing in return though.

8. I don’t like change, but it’s part of life and I usually get used to it (even though it’s super hard most of the time).

9. I am very hungry at this very moment.

Eight ways to win my heart (I'm assuming it’s romantic type of things? Well, I’ll include both, I suppose)
1. Be a Christian. I would like this to remain a huge part of my life now and I don’t really need anyone who is going to drag me down.

2. Scratch my head!

3. Let me have some independence.

4. Conversely, please be there for me when I need it.

5. Tell me when I'm doing things wrong.

6. Be a leader.

7. Help me and let me help you.

8. Last but absolutely not least… Love me. Love me regardless of what I do or how I perform or how I act. Just show me that you care, no matter how stupid I can be.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot
1. What I do wrong and my faults.

2. My family

3. God

4. Future plans

5. Trying to let go of all the bad things from my past

6. Friendships

7. School and how I'm going to pass my classes

Six things I do before I go to bed: (not in any particular order)
1. Change into my pajamas

2. Brush my teeth

3. Usually, I floss

4. Wash my face

5. Take off my jewelry

6. Get into bed and get all snuggly

Five people who mean a lot to me (no order whatsoever):
1. Jesus

2. Mom

3. Dad

4. Five particular people that live in the hall I'm in right now (as of May 2, 2011)

5. My brother

four things I'm wearing right now
1. Comfy jeans

2. A long sleeve shirt because it’s surprisingly cold out.

3. Opal earrings, since it is my birthstone and all

4. A jacket that has a really fuzzy and warm hood. :]

Three songs I've listened to today
1. Take My Hand – Shawn McDonald

2. Gone – Switchfoot

3. Set Me Free – Casting Crowns

Two things you want to do before you die.
1. Have a family (that means husband and kids)

2. Lead a truly happy, God-filled life

One confession
1. There’s one thing I struggle with a lot that I'm slowly working up the courage to say to people.

Emotions Taking Me Over

Just in case you don't really know me, I have lots of emotions. You're probably thinking, "That's silly, everyone has emotions." Yeah, okay, that's fair, but I don't think you understand. I wear them on my sleeve nearly 100% of the time. Well, okay, that may actually be a lie. I really only have one emotion: crying. Which, yes, isn't an emotion, but I pretty much cry at everything:

• Movies that are happy.
• Movies that are sad.
• Any movie, really.
• Songs that remind me of people.
• Songs that make me happy.
• Songs that are super applicable to my life.
• Church - it's actually weird if I don't get teary eyed, so it's almost an expectation. I'm 4/4 so far. So that's good. But maybe not. (I was going to write out four for four, but that looks silly. I should have saved this for when I've been to this church five times)
• My Bible study.
• People that talk about Jesus with me (but I've gotten better. Sort of).
• When I think about people I love.
• When I think about my future.
• Sad animal commercials (you know, those ASPCA commercials? Dreadful).

You see that list up there, right? I mean, look how many things are up there. And I cry for every single one. If I feel something, anything really, I cry. You're probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, do you ever not cry?" To that I say: no, not really, actually. It's pretty much an every day occurrence. And I'm not even afraid to show it anymore. Just call me shameless, I suppose. But seriously, I'm a classic case of chronic crier (side note: did you see that alliteration there? I'm impressed with myself. Didn't even have to try for that one). Sometimes they're sad, upset, "the world is ending" cries. Sometimes they're emotionally charged, crazy stressed types of crying. Sometimes I just like to cry to get anything out. And sometimes they're what I like to call "good cries," where I reflect on my life and realize where I've been and how far I've come and how truly blessed I am and how wonderful everything is and how much I don't want it to change. And then it just turns into one of the first two cases. Sometimes the third too.

Basically, you could just stick a fork in me whenever anything even slightly emotional comes up. I'm just done.

Like today, I cried a couple of times and I was definitely on the verge of tears for a lot of the latter part of the day. Actually, for most of the day. First off, it was Sunday, and that's my newly rediscovered church day (that makes sense, yes?), so clearly, I have no choice but to cry there. And then I spent some time outside and read my Bible for some time (which is, again, a new thing for me that I'm rather enjoying), which made me cry. And then I listened to some music I recently obtained and I teared up (I didn't cry only because my roommate was in the room and I don't want her to think I'm stranger than I already am). And then, oh goodness, I completely fell apart at my second to last residence hall meeting. See, during it we give out awards to people for being supportive or friendly or just super awesome, and I teared up and I couldn't give out the ones that I wanted to and I felt really guilty because I was getting some and I didn't want to have them think I was ungrateful. But why didn't I do this, you ask?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE CRIED.

Shocker.

I guess I do have some shame, but I was tearing up enough and I didn't feel like losing it in front of people that I may never see again after this year (which is pretty upsetting, actually). Maybe it's that change thing I mentioned above. I've met some absolutely incredible people living here this semester (there's probably five or six that I'm thinking of in particular; maybe I'll talk about them in a different post, we shall see) and I love all that this hall is and how much time a lot of people invest in making sure it's superb and the thought that in just a month or so it will all be over and different is heartbreaking. I mean, if you thought I was joking about the crying thing, I'm definitely tearing up right now. I'm seriously in love with living here and all the amazing friends I've made and I have to come to the realization that it's not going to be the same.

But then, simultaneously, I have to remember and remind myself that everything is going to be fine. I don't plan on letting these people out of my life so easily and I'm going to do everything in my power to remember that there is room in my heart for more people to make their homes and that just because one amazing chapter is over, it doesn't mean the book is over and that there aren't any other equally amazing (or, dare I say it, better) chapters left. I may not have closed the last book I was in (especially from last year) and I still have to cross reference from it every once in a while, but from my perspective, I've just started this new book. And I am in no hurry to put it down.

Going along with this book metaphor I've employed (which hopefully makes some sense), I know there's going to be some sad parts to the story and some parts that are going to make me emotional. But I know that my book will have a happy ending (for lots of reasons, I'm sure) and that I'm definitely not trying to write a tragedy or a drama (I mean, I enjoy laughing a lot, so when I'm not crying, I'm basically laughing all the time. Or doing both at the same time, which is good by me).

I think I brought it full circle, which was really my goal. And, my other secret goal that I will now share anyway, was to procrastinate from my homework. But really, I can't concentrate when I've got all this spewing inside of me.

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive." -Unknown

P.S. I really like this blogging thing. Even if no one reads it. It's a nice outlet for me. Plus my thoughts are usually pretty jumbled, so it's nice to sort through them.

And I'm sorry it was so long. I just have a lot of feelings!